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And it was a strange one.  I spent way more time than usual this morning with my own thoughts, but it felt good to sink into myself and nestle there for a while.  The dream I’d had spawned quite a bit of reflection and introspection – thoughts on love, defining love, confusing love, giving and receiving love.  Those thoughts stuck with me throughout the day as I questioned my own understanding of the perplexing emotion, and the experiences I’ve had with it to date.  If I’m to be perfectly honest with myself, even though I’ve been married (more than once), been in several long term relationships, and went through the motions thinking that what I was feeling was love, the truth is I don’t think I’ve ever been truly in love.  I thought I was once… I mean really gave more of myself than I thought I had to give.  Allowed myself to need in a way I’ve never needed, took down all my shields and guards… then found out it had all been an illusion…. so at this point, I have no choice but to admit that for as much as I felt, I wasn’t in love with a person as much as I was with an idea, and a false one at that. I’m sure that’s what that fool represented in the recent past position in July’s Tarot reading – and until now, I’ve been afraid to admit it.  So the one time I truly thought I was experiencing real love – not puppy love, not “comfort” love, not “attention” love, not “lust” love… but real love…. never existed.

I never hesitated in saying it once I thought I was feeling it.  Trust me… if something’s on my mind or in my heart, I pretty much put it out there – quite literally for the world to see.  I’ve written all sorts of poetry expressing what I thought was love, and never hesitated in being the first to say what I felt.  Something is different now, and I’m not sure what it is.  At first, I thought it was just downright fear.  Fear of being hurt, fear of being rejected, fear of being vulnerable.  But, the more I think about it, the more I realize it has very little, if anything, to do with fear.  What it has to do with is making sure I get past the illusions, not getting sucked in by “new” sensations. It’s about me truly understanding where I am, why I’m there, what I’m feeling, why I’m feeling it… and dissecting it from all angles, waiting it out, seeing how life unfolds.  If I’d taken the time and insight to do that in the past, to truly evaluate each situation and weigh out the pros and cons and think through the possible consequences, I could have avoided a whole lot of emotional chaos.  For the time being, I’m perfectly content with taking a bold step in saying I am most definitely and undeniably twitterpated.

After I delved into my own thoughts this morning, I gave myself a much needed break and did something I rarely do… I went back to bed! I set the alarm, giving myself an additional hour and a half to sleep.  When I woke, although I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish, I rebelled against the list and, instead, got lost in the virtual world of SIMS.  That’s a red flag for me now… getting lost in SIMS.  It means I’m feeling like things are out of control in my own reality and I get lost in a virtual world where I can play the role of God and change things at my own will, whether it’s redecorating a house, changing a job, getting or losing a pet, or sending my SIMS out on first dates.  I knew when I’d lost two hours to the game that I was in spiritual trouble.

Just then, T called.  He wanted me to leave early so I could stop by a shop he’d been in that morning to look at something he thought would be appreciated by one of my offspring.  He told me to meet him at his place and I could follow him to the store and go from there to work.  With that, I did a quick change, threw my hair in a pony tail, and set out for the afternoon.

When I’d arrived at T’s, he was working on fixing the breaks in his son’s car.  His son, who was supposed to be helping him, disappeared.  As T laid himself down on cusioned trash bags on the ground to crawl under the car, he said, “When I tell you to, climb into that seat there and push on the breaks.”

We did a series of, “Push… don’t let go.  Hold it.  Okay, now pump them.  Let go.  Push down.  Pump. Hold it.”

It was something so simple… yet, in the moment, I appreciated the way we communicated.  Simple things.  Simple things. (Exhale).

When finished, he climbed into his truck and I climbed into my Jeep and we headed to the shop he’d spoke of.  He was exactly right in his assessment of the item and its intended recipient.  Hold the item until Friday… then I’ll go pick it up.

I went from there to work, which was an odd shift.  First of all, it was a short shift – and I hate the short shifts.  I live 35 miles from where I work… it’s not worth it for me to drive 35 miles to work 3 1/2 hours for less than forty bucks.  But, I do it anyway… not always, but when there’s a need.  Today, there really was no need because it was incredibly slow.  Not only was it incredibly slow, but the mood of the dining guests seemed extremely somber.  Even the manager noticed, “Gee, you walk into the dining room and everyone’s faces are like this…”  She makes a morbid face, we all nod, and go about our miniscule tasks.  I was rolling silverware.  On Weekdays, no matter how short the shift, we’re required to roll forty pounds of silverware.  On weekends, it’s sixty.  I rolled my forty pounds, which filled two plastic containers.  My name in each container as required, lids on as required, I was told to put the cases on the scale to weigh them before turning them in.  As I lifted the cases to put them on the scale, the bottom of one cracked and came completely apart, cascading my silverware to the floor… unusable.  Everyone stopped and waited for my reaction. They all know what a pain in the ass it is to roll forty pounds and that I’d not be able to turn in the twenty pounds I’d just lost… and all I could do was laugh.  The manager had mercy on me, though. “Unroll them all and take them to the dish room and I won’t make you re-roll them.”

*sigh*

Because it was so slow, we all got turned loose early.  I called T just to let him know I was on my way home and to see how the rest of his day went… and we decided I’d stop by his place on the way to watch a movie.  Instead of a movie, we ended up watching a few episodes of the Three Stooges, and an episode of the Simpsons.  As he reached for the movie, I reached for my phone to check the time.  Too late… no time to put in a movie. It was already ten thirty.

While I was at his place, I grabbed hold of his Medicine Wheel animal cards.  I like to draw one every time I’m at his place since I don’t have a deck here to incorporate into my Daily Dose.  The card I drew tonight was the Bear… Introspection.  It spoke of going into the inner cave and hibernating while in search of life’s bigger truths.  I laughed out loud.  Nothing could have been more appropriate.

And so another day becomes a yesterday while tomorrow waits in the mists to manifest.

Life is good.

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Hmm…
“Romantic Partner”

Romantic Partner

Well, damn if this didn’t get a snort and an eyeroll from me this morning! *laughs* There’s a voice in my head going, “Yeah, yeah, yeah… what about it? I know. I know.”

I’ve been writing quite a bit about this lately, actually. I’ve been making internal adjustments in regard to my views on love, romance, commitment, partnership, marriage, and all that jibberish. I’ve decided it’s time for that dreamy little girl to grow up an get a good, solid, firm grasp on this so-called reality. It’s the daydreamer in me, that little girl who fantasized of Prince Charming and Happily Ever After that gets me into so much trouble.

I’ve finally come to the conclusion that there is no Knight in Shining Armor… not in the way I’d once imagined, and that – in truth – I really don’t like the feeling of being swept off my feet and caught in that “airy-fairy” whirlwind of emotion. No… twitterpated is NOT where I want to be. I’d much rather stay grounded. But, I didn’t know that about myself when this new relationship sprouted, and it took a few hurt feelings for me to re-gain my balance and draw myself back in.

Well, I wrote of being guarded and shielded, then re-writing those words because they sounded to “protective”, and it wasn’t a “defense” mechanism. Instead, I said I’m keeping my heart “reserved”, holding some back, investing my love in more substantial areas… where it belonged… with my children, my animals, my writing, my home, my Self. I wrote that I can appreciate what there is to appreciate in romance and this new relationship without over-exposing myself, over-investing, over-analyzing, or dissecting it to death. Take it down a notch. Enjoy what there is to enjoy without forming an emotional attachment. Here today, gone tomorrow… I’ll survive. I don’t “need” anyone to promise me their forever or make me their one and only (do I?).

So I’m struggling with this issue, obviously. To love or not to love, that is the question. Nah, no it isn’t… that one I already know the answer to. I know how to love. I know how to love hard, deep, and completely (when I choose to). I guess the real question is: To be loved or not to be loved… now there’s the question.

So I’d come to the realization that I am not meant to be anyone’s “one and only”. I will never be “the one” that someone has been searching for. I’ll always be “really cool” and “fun to hang out with” and “this close” to perfect… but not close enough to be “the one”. That’s what prompted the writing of “The Stepping Stone” the other day, the first piece I’ve written fresh in a really long time, and one that was written from the paradoxed position of pain and healing.

And now that I’ve decided that I’ve gotten over myself and I’m cool with whatever, now I draw Romantic Partner? HA! No wonder the laughter card was a prelude to this (drawn earlier this week) telling me to find the humor in life. HA! HA! And frigging HA!

Well, if this card came up in a reading for someone else, I’d tell them that they were either about to meet a new Romantic Partner, or that if they already had one, it was a keeper and one that deserved more of their attention and energy. Of course, that interpretation might vary a tad depending on which other cards it came up with. When I do full spread readings for others, I use two decks together… the Rider/Waite deck which I read first, and then I lay the fairy Oracles on top of them so they’re synchronized. Nonetheless, the Romantic Partner is the focus here and is asking for attention.

How ’bout if I just shut up at this point and list what the book says. I’m obviously tripping over my own feet (tongue) with this one.

Card Meaning: A new romance is coming your way! Either a new partner, or a revival of passion in an existing relationship will delight you now or in the future.

Description: By drawing this card, the fairy realm wants you to know that a new wave of romance is coming your way. Romance could manifest itself in a number of delightful forms, such as meeting a new partner who makes your heart sing with excitement and passion, or a rejuvenation of a waning romance with a current love. Perhaps the new romance will take the form of an exciting getaway, such as a tropical vacation, a night at a quaint bed-and-breakfast Inn, or an evening of dinner and dancing.

Fairies love romance, and they know the importance of feeling passion in a relationship. Ask them to help you with imaginative ideas to create more romance in your life. They remind you that romance is a state of mind, and it involves playfulness and creativity. Sometimes when we’re stressed, we crave romance the most, yet we may not know how to experience romance. Let the fairies help you relax, allowing an inflow of romantic ideas to easily come to your mind, and also giving you the energy to put them into action and enjoy them to the utmost.

Affirmation: I am a romantic person. I release any fears I may have about giving or receiving love.

(Me: Awww, *wince*, do I hafta?)

Source: Healing with the Fairies Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue, Ph. D.

P.S. – Here’s an interesing sidenote that I’ll include in the Daily Dose: Today is Friday, ruled by Venus… a day for love, romance, and beauty. (HA!)

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Intro: This one dates back to about 2002, which seems to have been one of my more prolific years.  I thought I was clever with this one because Symphony was a nick-name for someone special in my life, and there are things written in here that only “we” would have understood.  As with many relationships, that one went sour… but I’m choosing to retain the inspirations that came from the combined energy when it was still a good thing.

“Love’s Symphony”
Written by:
Wendi Friend
2002

Take a chance
romance
heavy breathing
chests heaving
wanting much
tender touch
understand
hold my hand
hypnotizing
mesmerizing
eye to eye
thigh to thigh
hip to hip
lip to lip
trust in me
set me free
feel my fear
please stay near
heart to heart…

… that’s where I’d start.

Feel emotion
drink the potion
living life through heart’s devotion
spirits lift
embrace the gift
for life on earth is sweet but swift
intuition
mystic vision
burdened with no indecision
only freedom
in my kingdom
let the shields down, we won’t need them
no defenses
only senses
not unnerved by false pretenses
only beauty
shall our eyes see
when we let love set our souls free

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Written by:
Wendi Friend

The topic of conversation was relationships, and Celso had a firm grasp (so he thought) on why relationships have the potential to turn into awful, ugly, dreadful, heart-wrenching battles. His philosophy in life was if something adds more pleasure than pain, you should fight with everything you are and have to hold on to it; but if something adds more pain than pleasure, you need to let go. Most people, according to Celso, didn’t know when to say when. When a relationship begins to go sour, there’s a certain amount of effort one can put forth to try to reign in what’s salvageable. Once you’ve put forth all your effort and nothing changes, then ties need to be cut. In theory, his concepts sounded wonderful. In fact, during the two years I was with him, I learned many things. Unfortunately for us, one of those things was when to say when.

I’ve never been one to let go of things too easily. I may fight to hold on because I feel there’s hope left. More often than not, I’m holding on for falsified reasons such as control, fear of failure, or the ability to remain in a comfort zone. Such was my way in relationships past, which left me exhausted emotionally and spiritually.

In past relationships, when a “loud discussion” would break loose, I didn’t debate issues to find a common ground. I debated with the intent to win the argument. I wanted to be right — and that was that. But with Celso, that habit changed. I’m not sure what it was about him that helped me evolve as a person, but being right became less important than keeping the peace or finding compromise. We were able to negotiate rather than argue. We truly communicated instead of having “loud discussions.” Celso had a way about him, through intellect, reason and compassion – a way that taught me what was acceptable and what was not acceptable when it came to dealing with others. He’d feed me quotes, read poetry, and play music to reach me on various levels. He was good for me. He was pure pleasure.

The course of time played a negative role in my relationship with Celso. Through drugs, alcohol, and other addictions, Celso began to lose himself. Believe me when I tell you I tried to reach him. I used his tactics — quotes, poetry, and music to try to hold on to him. I used my own tactics of writing letters or having late night chats under full moon skies. I was patient. I tried everything I knew; everything within my power — but nothing penetrated his shields to ward off his downward spiral. I couldn’t make him quit drinking. I couldn’t help him let go of drugs. I couldn’t help him repair the relationships he had with ex-wives, ex-girlfriends or his lost children. I couldn’t be his Angel. Before long, I saw my own life beginning to deteriorate. That’s when I realized I had two choices. I could either save myself, or go down with Celso’s ship.

It was June 13th, 1996. Following a horrific event between us at a concert, I knew the scales were tipped. After the show, we drove to an isolated area where I’d repeat words to him that he taught me. “I’m sorry, Celso, but being with you is adding more pain than pleasure to my life. I’ve fought to hold on, but now I know it’s time to let go.”

Nothing ever happened in our two years together to make me stop loving Celso. I didn’t hate him, although I would have if I’d stayed with him any longer than I did. I just knew we were no longer productive as a couple — and he knew I was right. He didn’t like it, but he couldn’t argue with his own logic.

The fact that I didn’t stop loving him is the same fact that keeps most people together longer than what is healthy. You can love someone with all your heart and soul, but it doesn’t mean you’ll be able to maintain a healthy relationship. To hold on after things have become so negative that everyone involved is miserable, in my opinion, is to hold on for one of three reasons: control, fear of failure, or desire to remain in a comfort zone.

Loving someone isn’t a solid enough reason to stay together when being together is hurting everyone involved. Separating from someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving him or her. Hearts will feel what they will, regardless of what our minds tell them. But it is important to recognize the point where you’ve put forth every effort in your power and yet you still can’t generate change. You can’t force another person to grow with you or evolve with you. When the bow of the relation-ship begins to sink, you have to make a choice: sink or swim.

How do you recognize when it’s time to say when? Easy — if something adds more pain than pleasure, despite your efforts to salvage what’s left, it’s time to let go. Celso’s downward spiral never improved. In fact, it escalated to the point that he became so absorbed in alcohol and drugs that he got himself in trouble with the law in the worst kind of way. Rather than pay the consequences of going to prison, he took his own life on October 6, 1996. That’s when I realized that I did the right thing by knowing when to say when, even though doing it hurt. Leaving him hurt me, but staying with him would have hurt me more.

I never stopped loving him. May he rest in peace.

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Intro: This is another piece from 2003.  At the time it was written, I was not involved with anyone romantically. In fact, I wrote this as a way to determine what it was I sought from a relationship so that I didn’t find myself stepping into some of the same pitfalls of the past.  My concepts of love and relationships have changed some since I’d written this, but as a valued part of my past, I’m including it here.

“Let Me”
Written by:
Wendi Friend
2003

Let me hold you in my arms
Softly
Sweetly
without forever

Let me kiss you
deeply
tenderly
without
expectation

Let me touch you
gently
firmly
lovingly
without
possession

Let me adore you
passionately
appreciatively
without
ownership

Let me care for you
take care of you
dote on you
and spoil you
without
preconceived notions

Let me mystify you
entrance you
bewitch you
mesmerize and
hypnotize you
without
control

Let me be with you
laugh with you
enjoy you
to the fullest
without
promises

Let me guide you
teach you

show you
lead you
without
degradation

Let me absorb you
draw energy from you
learn from you
follow you
grow with you
without
need

Let me love you
be in love
with you
love being
with you
love everything
about you
without
commitment

Let us become
better people
better for it
better through it
more because of it
and grateful
for it
for what ever
it is
is not
will be
or won’t

Let me be beautiful
to you
every time
you see me
Let me blow
your mind
and rock
your world
and please
your eyes
your intillect
your body
your heart
and your soul
without
arrogance

Let’s just enjoy
what there is
to enjoy
and let the rest
take care
of itself

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