Posts Tagged ‘realtionships’

Oddly enough, one of the last comments I’d made in last night’s rambles was that I hadn’t been dreaming the weird dreams.  Not so odd, Monday nights are known for their prophetic or insightful dreams.  Wouldn’t ya know it that it’d be a Monday that I have the odd dreams again…

Last night’s dreams were odd, but I know they’ve come from a deeper place and are meant to be causing reflection of sorts.  They weren’t scary or bizzarre, but they were… eh hem… capable of shaking me a bit. It makes me uncomfortable, and I’d like to ignore them and just carry on with the day as if they never happened… but I know better. I promised myself when I started this blog that I’d be honest and include it all – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Keeping it real, I’m keepin’ on keepin’ on with keepin’ promises to myself.

The dream was much like Scrooge and his ghosts of Christmas – only mine, of course (eye roll), was ghosts of Love.  Oddly enough, it wasn’t just a journey into the past revisiting the relationships I’ve tried and failed, but also glimpses into what could have been the future if those relationships had succeeded (which turns out to have been more of a failure) – and also a sneak peak into what could have been if other “seeds” of relationships would have sprouted rather than die out. I woke up being grateful that the past is the past, but it naturally made me question what I thought I was doing in the past.  Why did things look so clear when they were really so clouded? Why did I see bad as good? Why was I willing to self-sacrifice for people that didn’t really care about me at all? Why did I think I was “in love” when love had nothing to do with it?

Part of the reason, I think, is that I didn’t always get into relationships for the sake of love. Oh, I thought I did… don’t get me wrong.  Early on, I confused attention with love.  A compliment would have been all it took to get me to do a double take and throw out a flirtatious grin.  Obviously, back in those days, my self-esteem was shot all to hell.  I didn’t consider myself “worthy” of being “chosen” – not by anyone I felt worthy of choosing, so I guess I took what I could get. Not that the people I chose were “lesser” beings – but that I knew we weren’t suited for each other in the long run.  That was way early on, though… like pre-teen and teen.  After that, I confused sex and love – and the only thing of value that came from that lessonn is my children (no regrets!) –  well, and the awareness that sex and love are not synonymous.  Beyond those lessons, I found myself choosing people I could manipulate.  Not in a mean or bad way, mind you – but people who didn’t mind letting me call the shots, so to speak. I found out pretty quickly that wasn’t beneficial for anyone involved.

What’s the point in these not-so-private but maybe they should be confessions? Well, the dream is asking me to pause… to look at myself, my past, my present, and my future from an outside perspective. Maybe I’ve over-used the word Love.  I didn’t mean to – I thought I meant it when I said it… but ten, fifteen, twenty years later, I’m able to identify what it really was… and it wasn’t love. I’m being asked to identify what I’d willingly sacrifice or won’t for the sake of being accepted or being loved.  It’s taken me derned near 36 years of living, trying, failing, and trying again to figure out that I cannot, should not, and will not change who I am for the sake of another.  I am who I am… like it, or don’t. On the same token, I’ve learned not to try to change others.  I used to… I used to try to “fix” my partners.  “If only they’d….. they’d be perfect”.  Not true… nor is “perfect”. They are who they are… I either like them, or don’t.

It wasn’t a bad dream and I don’t wish it never happened… it’s just catapulted the day in a strange direction.  Here I am awake at 7:45 when I thought I’d sleep much later, thinking about things in a new way.

People confuse love with so many things.  Attention, acceptance, “ownership”, companionship, sex, familiarity.  It’s not just me – I’ve seen it done time and time again by others, too. Co-dependency isn’t love, and it seems to be the most common misconception.  It’s that “I can’t live without you” mindset.  Well, I’ve yet to meet a person who I couldn’t live without.  I may have preferred being with them… but being without them wasn’t the end of me.

So I start the day asking an incredibly poignant question – perhaps one I should have asked myself many moons ago: How do you define Love?

Not only is it important for us to have an understanding of how WE define love, but it’s equally important, I think, to understand how our partners define love.  Are the definitions compatible, or do they leave room for one to become the martar? “I did this, this and this… because I love you.  And you can’t even do that for me? If you loved me, you’d do this…”

I shake my head with a sour face at that thought.

It’ll be interesting to see how the cards surface today with thoughts like this in play.  And on that note, I’m off to engage in a Daily Dose.

*head rattle*

Life is good.


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