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Posts Tagged ‘medicine wheel’

And it was a strange one.  I spent way more time than usual this morning with my own thoughts, but it felt good to sink into myself and nestle there for a while.  The dream I’d had spawned quite a bit of reflection and introspection – thoughts on love, defining love, confusing love, giving and receiving love.  Those thoughts stuck with me throughout the day as I questioned my own understanding of the perplexing emotion, and the experiences I’ve had with it to date.  If I’m to be perfectly honest with myself, even though I’ve been married (more than once), been in several long term relationships, and went through the motions thinking that what I was feeling was love, the truth is I don’t think I’ve ever been truly in love.  I thought I was once… I mean really gave more of myself than I thought I had to give.  Allowed myself to need in a way I’ve never needed, took down all my shields and guards… then found out it had all been an illusion…. so at this point, I have no choice but to admit that for as much as I felt, I wasn’t in love with a person as much as I was with an idea, and a false one at that. I’m sure that’s what that fool represented in the recent past position in July’s Tarot reading – and until now, I’ve been afraid to admit it.  So the one time I truly thought I was experiencing real love – not puppy love, not “comfort” love, not “attention” love, not “lust” love… but real love…. never existed.

I never hesitated in saying it once I thought I was feeling it.  Trust me… if something’s on my mind or in my heart, I pretty much put it out there – quite literally for the world to see.  I’ve written all sorts of poetry expressing what I thought was love, and never hesitated in being the first to say what I felt.  Something is different now, and I’m not sure what it is.  At first, I thought it was just downright fear.  Fear of being hurt, fear of being rejected, fear of being vulnerable.  But, the more I think about it, the more I realize it has very little, if anything, to do with fear.  What it has to do with is making sure I get past the illusions, not getting sucked in by “new” sensations. It’s about me truly understanding where I am, why I’m there, what I’m feeling, why I’m feeling it… and dissecting it from all angles, waiting it out, seeing how life unfolds.  If I’d taken the time and insight to do that in the past, to truly evaluate each situation and weigh out the pros and cons and think through the possible consequences, I could have avoided a whole lot of emotional chaos.  For the time being, I’m perfectly content with taking a bold step in saying I am most definitely and undeniably twitterpated.

After I delved into my own thoughts this morning, I gave myself a much needed break and did something I rarely do… I went back to bed! I set the alarm, giving myself an additional hour and a half to sleep.  When I woke, although I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish, I rebelled against the list and, instead, got lost in the virtual world of SIMS.  That’s a red flag for me now… getting lost in SIMS.  It means I’m feeling like things are out of control in my own reality and I get lost in a virtual world where I can play the role of God and change things at my own will, whether it’s redecorating a house, changing a job, getting or losing a pet, or sending my SIMS out on first dates.  I knew when I’d lost two hours to the game that I was in spiritual trouble.

Just then, T called.  He wanted me to leave early so I could stop by a shop he’d been in that morning to look at something he thought would be appreciated by one of my offspring.  He told me to meet him at his place and I could follow him to the store and go from there to work.  With that, I did a quick change, threw my hair in a pony tail, and set out for the afternoon.

When I’d arrived at T’s, he was working on fixing the breaks in his son’s car.  His son, who was supposed to be helping him, disappeared.  As T laid himself down on cusioned trash bags on the ground to crawl under the car, he said, “When I tell you to, climb into that seat there and push on the breaks.”

We did a series of, “Push… don’t let go.  Hold it.  Okay, now pump them.  Let go.  Push down.  Pump. Hold it.”

It was something so simple… yet, in the moment, I appreciated the way we communicated.  Simple things.  Simple things. (Exhale).

When finished, he climbed into his truck and I climbed into my Jeep and we headed to the shop he’d spoke of.  He was exactly right in his assessment of the item and its intended recipient.  Hold the item until Friday… then I’ll go pick it up.

I went from there to work, which was an odd shift.  First of all, it was a short shift – and I hate the short shifts.  I live 35 miles from where I work… it’s not worth it for me to drive 35 miles to work 3 1/2 hours for less than forty bucks.  But, I do it anyway… not always, but when there’s a need.  Today, there really was no need because it was incredibly slow.  Not only was it incredibly slow, but the mood of the dining guests seemed extremely somber.  Even the manager noticed, “Gee, you walk into the dining room and everyone’s faces are like this…”  She makes a morbid face, we all nod, and go about our miniscule tasks.  I was rolling silverware.  On Weekdays, no matter how short the shift, we’re required to roll forty pounds of silverware.  On weekends, it’s sixty.  I rolled my forty pounds, which filled two plastic containers.  My name in each container as required, lids on as required, I was told to put the cases on the scale to weigh them before turning them in.  As I lifted the cases to put them on the scale, the bottom of one cracked and came completely apart, cascading my silverware to the floor… unusable.  Everyone stopped and waited for my reaction. They all know what a pain in the ass it is to roll forty pounds and that I’d not be able to turn in the twenty pounds I’d just lost… and all I could do was laugh.  The manager had mercy on me, though. “Unroll them all and take them to the dish room and I won’t make you re-roll them.”

*sigh*

Because it was so slow, we all got turned loose early.  I called T just to let him know I was on my way home and to see how the rest of his day went… and we decided I’d stop by his place on the way to watch a movie.  Instead of a movie, we ended up watching a few episodes of the Three Stooges, and an episode of the Simpsons.  As he reached for the movie, I reached for my phone to check the time.  Too late… no time to put in a movie. It was already ten thirty.

While I was at his place, I grabbed hold of his Medicine Wheel animal cards.  I like to draw one every time I’m at his place since I don’t have a deck here to incorporate into my Daily Dose.  The card I drew tonight was the Bear… Introspection.  It spoke of going into the inner cave and hibernating while in search of life’s bigger truths.  I laughed out loud.  Nothing could have been more appropriate.

And so another day becomes a yesterday while tomorrow waits in the mists to manifest.

Life is good.

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