Posts Tagged ‘love’

And it was a strange one.  I spent way more time than usual this morning with my own thoughts, but it felt good to sink into myself and nestle there for a while.  The dream I’d had spawned quite a bit of reflection and introspection – thoughts on love, defining love, confusing love, giving and receiving love.  Those thoughts stuck with me throughout the day as I questioned my own understanding of the perplexing emotion, and the experiences I’ve had with it to date.  If I’m to be perfectly honest with myself, even though I’ve been married (more than once), been in several long term relationships, and went through the motions thinking that what I was feeling was love, the truth is I don’t think I’ve ever been truly in love.  I thought I was once… I mean really gave more of myself than I thought I had to give.  Allowed myself to need in a way I’ve never needed, took down all my shields and guards… then found out it had all been an illusion…. so at this point, I have no choice but to admit that for as much as I felt, I wasn’t in love with a person as much as I was with an idea, and a false one at that. I’m sure that’s what that fool represented in the recent past position in July’s Tarot reading – and until now, I’ve been afraid to admit it.  So the one time I truly thought I was experiencing real love – not puppy love, not “comfort” love, not “attention” love, not “lust” love… but real love…. never existed.

I never hesitated in saying it once I thought I was feeling it.  Trust me… if something’s on my mind or in my heart, I pretty much put it out there – quite literally for the world to see.  I’ve written all sorts of poetry expressing what I thought was love, and never hesitated in being the first to say what I felt.  Something is different now, and I’m not sure what it is.  At first, I thought it was just downright fear.  Fear of being hurt, fear of being rejected, fear of being vulnerable.  But, the more I think about it, the more I realize it has very little, if anything, to do with fear.  What it has to do with is making sure I get past the illusions, not getting sucked in by “new” sensations. It’s about me truly understanding where I am, why I’m there, what I’m feeling, why I’m feeling it… and dissecting it from all angles, waiting it out, seeing how life unfolds.  If I’d taken the time and insight to do that in the past, to truly evaluate each situation and weigh out the pros and cons and think through the possible consequences, I could have avoided a whole lot of emotional chaos.  For the time being, I’m perfectly content with taking a bold step in saying I am most definitely and undeniably twitterpated.

After I delved into my own thoughts this morning, I gave myself a much needed break and did something I rarely do… I went back to bed! I set the alarm, giving myself an additional hour and a half to sleep.  When I woke, although I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish, I rebelled against the list and, instead, got lost in the virtual world of SIMS.  That’s a red flag for me now… getting lost in SIMS.  It means I’m feeling like things are out of control in my own reality and I get lost in a virtual world where I can play the role of God and change things at my own will, whether it’s redecorating a house, changing a job, getting or losing a pet, or sending my SIMS out on first dates.  I knew when I’d lost two hours to the game that I was in spiritual trouble.

Just then, T called.  He wanted me to leave early so I could stop by a shop he’d been in that morning to look at something he thought would be appreciated by one of my offspring.  He told me to meet him at his place and I could follow him to the store and go from there to work.  With that, I did a quick change, threw my hair in a pony tail, and set out for the afternoon.

When I’d arrived at T’s, he was working on fixing the breaks in his son’s car.  His son, who was supposed to be helping him, disappeared.  As T laid himself down on cusioned trash bags on the ground to crawl under the car, he said, “When I tell you to, climb into that seat there and push on the breaks.”

We did a series of, “Push… don’t let go.  Hold it.  Okay, now pump them.  Let go.  Push down.  Pump. Hold it.”

It was something so simple… yet, in the moment, I appreciated the way we communicated.  Simple things.  Simple things. (Exhale).

When finished, he climbed into his truck and I climbed into my Jeep and we headed to the shop he’d spoke of.  He was exactly right in his assessment of the item and its intended recipient.  Hold the item until Friday… then I’ll go pick it up.

I went from there to work, which was an odd shift.  First of all, it was a short shift – and I hate the short shifts.  I live 35 miles from where I work… it’s not worth it for me to drive 35 miles to work 3 1/2 hours for less than forty bucks.  But, I do it anyway… not always, but when there’s a need.  Today, there really was no need because it was incredibly slow.  Not only was it incredibly slow, but the mood of the dining guests seemed extremely somber.  Even the manager noticed, “Gee, you walk into the dining room and everyone’s faces are like this…”  She makes a morbid face, we all nod, and go about our miniscule tasks.  I was rolling silverware.  On Weekdays, no matter how short the shift, we’re required to roll forty pounds of silverware.  On weekends, it’s sixty.  I rolled my forty pounds, which filled two plastic containers.  My name in each container as required, lids on as required, I was told to put the cases on the scale to weigh them before turning them in.  As I lifted the cases to put them on the scale, the bottom of one cracked and came completely apart, cascading my silverware to the floor… unusable.  Everyone stopped and waited for my reaction. They all know what a pain in the ass it is to roll forty pounds and that I’d not be able to turn in the twenty pounds I’d just lost… and all I could do was laugh.  The manager had mercy on me, though. “Unroll them all and take them to the dish room and I won’t make you re-roll them.”


Because it was so slow, we all got turned loose early.  I called T just to let him know I was on my way home and to see how the rest of his day went… and we decided I’d stop by his place on the way to watch a movie.  Instead of a movie, we ended up watching a few episodes of the Three Stooges, and an episode of the Simpsons.  As he reached for the movie, I reached for my phone to check the time.  Too late… no time to put in a movie. It was already ten thirty.

While I was at his place, I grabbed hold of his Medicine Wheel animal cards.  I like to draw one every time I’m at his place since I don’t have a deck here to incorporate into my Daily Dose.  The card I drew tonight was the Bear… Introspection.  It spoke of going into the inner cave and hibernating while in search of life’s bigger truths.  I laughed out loud.  Nothing could have been more appropriate.

And so another day becomes a yesterday while tomorrow waits in the mists to manifest.

Life is good.

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Oddly enough, one of the last comments I’d made in last night’s rambles was that I hadn’t been dreaming the weird dreams.  Not so odd, Monday nights are known for their prophetic or insightful dreams.  Wouldn’t ya know it that it’d be a Monday that I have the odd dreams again…

Last night’s dreams were odd, but I know they’ve come from a deeper place and are meant to be causing reflection of sorts.  They weren’t scary or bizzarre, but they were… eh hem… capable of shaking me a bit. It makes me uncomfortable, and I’d like to ignore them and just carry on with the day as if they never happened… but I know better. I promised myself when I started this blog that I’d be honest and include it all – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Keeping it real, I’m keepin’ on keepin’ on with keepin’ promises to myself.

The dream was much like Scrooge and his ghosts of Christmas – only mine, of course (eye roll), was ghosts of Love.  Oddly enough, it wasn’t just a journey into the past revisiting the relationships I’ve tried and failed, but also glimpses into what could have been the future if those relationships had succeeded (which turns out to have been more of a failure) – and also a sneak peak into what could have been if other “seeds” of relationships would have sprouted rather than die out. I woke up being grateful that the past is the past, but it naturally made me question what I thought I was doing in the past.  Why did things look so clear when they were really so clouded? Why did I see bad as good? Why was I willing to self-sacrifice for people that didn’t really care about me at all? Why did I think I was “in love” when love had nothing to do with it?

Part of the reason, I think, is that I didn’t always get into relationships for the sake of love. Oh, I thought I did… don’t get me wrong.  Early on, I confused attention with love.  A compliment would have been all it took to get me to do a double take and throw out a flirtatious grin.  Obviously, back in those days, my self-esteem was shot all to hell.  I didn’t consider myself “worthy” of being “chosen” – not by anyone I felt worthy of choosing, so I guess I took what I could get. Not that the people I chose were “lesser” beings – but that I knew we weren’t suited for each other in the long run.  That was way early on, though… like pre-teen and teen.  After that, I confused sex and love – and the only thing of value that came from that lessonn is my children (no regrets!) –  well, and the awareness that sex and love are not synonymous.  Beyond those lessons, I found myself choosing people I could manipulate.  Not in a mean or bad way, mind you – but people who didn’t mind letting me call the shots, so to speak. I found out pretty quickly that wasn’t beneficial for anyone involved.

What’s the point in these not-so-private but maybe they should be confessions? Well, the dream is asking me to pause… to look at myself, my past, my present, and my future from an outside perspective. Maybe I’ve over-used the word Love.  I didn’t mean to – I thought I meant it when I said it… but ten, fifteen, twenty years later, I’m able to identify what it really was… and it wasn’t love. I’m being asked to identify what I’d willingly sacrifice or won’t for the sake of being accepted or being loved.  It’s taken me derned near 36 years of living, trying, failing, and trying again to figure out that I cannot, should not, and will not change who I am for the sake of another.  I am who I am… like it, or don’t. On the same token, I’ve learned not to try to change others.  I used to… I used to try to “fix” my partners.  “If only they’d….. they’d be perfect”.  Not true… nor is “perfect”. They are who they are… I either like them, or don’t.

It wasn’t a bad dream and I don’t wish it never happened… it’s just catapulted the day in a strange direction.  Here I am awake at 7:45 when I thought I’d sleep much later, thinking about things in a new way.

People confuse love with so many things.  Attention, acceptance, “ownership”, companionship, sex, familiarity.  It’s not just me – I’ve seen it done time and time again by others, too. Co-dependency isn’t love, and it seems to be the most common misconception.  It’s that “I can’t live without you” mindset.  Well, I’ve yet to meet a person who I couldn’t live without.  I may have preferred being with them… but being without them wasn’t the end of me.

So I start the day asking an incredibly poignant question – perhaps one I should have asked myself many moons ago: How do you define Love?

Not only is it important for us to have an understanding of how WE define love, but it’s equally important, I think, to understand how our partners define love.  Are the definitions compatible, or do they leave room for one to become the martar? “I did this, this and this… because I love you.  And you can’t even do that for me? If you loved me, you’d do this…”

I shake my head with a sour face at that thought.

It’ll be interesting to see how the cards surface today with thoughts like this in play.  And on that note, I’m off to engage in a Daily Dose.

*head rattle*

Life is good.


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Today is:
June 18, 2008

*Neither planting or harvest day

Today’s Fairy: Higher Consciousness
Today’s Tarot: Five of Swords

Governed by Mercury – study, travel, divination, wisdom

yellow, brown, white, topaz

The Moon:
2nd Quarter waxing in Sagittarius, Full Moon @ 12:30 p.m. U.S. Central, void-of-course @ 4:37 p.m., moon enters Capricorn @ 4:51 p.m. US Central

Waxing Moon: From New Moon to Full Moon is the ideal time to do magic to draw things to you.

Moon in Sagittarius: Encourages confidence and flights of imagination. This is an adventurous, philosophical, and athletic Moon sign. Favors expansion and growth.

June’s Full Moon is called the Mead Moon, also known as Moon of Horses, Lover’s Moon, Strong Sun Moon, Honey Moon, Aerra Litha (Before Lithia), Brachmanoth (Break Month), Strawberry Moon, Rose Moon, Moon of Making Fat.

June’s Power Flow: full but restful energy; protect, strengthen, and prevent. A time of Light; Earth tides are turning. Decision-making, taking responsibility for present happenings. Work on personal inconsistencies. Strengthen and reward yourself for your positive traits. (Source for June’s Moon info: Moon Magick by D.J. Conway)

Another source:

Full Moon: The Moon’s most powerful phase, when we see her entire illuminated face. This a a time of fulfillment, activity, increased psychic ability, for perfecting ideas, “getting your act together,” celebrations, or renewing commitments to people or projects. The best time for spells of any kind.

June: The Moon of the month of Gemini, this period honors twins and the sacred marriage of the god and goddess, bringing two into one. (source: Moon Spells by Diane Ahlquist)

Void-of-course: Just before the Moon enters a new sign, it will make one final aspect (angular relationship) to another planet. Between that last aspect and the entrance of the Moon into the next sign it is said to be void-of-course. Activities begin when the Moon is void-of-course rarely come to fruition, or they turn out very differently than planned.

Moon in Capricorn: Develops strong structure. Focus on traditions, responsibilities, and obligations. A good time to set boundaries and rules.

The Sun:
The Twins
(see previous Daily Dose posts for more information on Gemini Energy)
(The Sun enters Cancer in two days, on Friday, June 20)

Other Planetary Shifts:
Venus entered Cancer @ 3:48 a.m. U.S. Central

Venus in Cancer:

Venus in Cancer indicates a very sensitive, warm-hearted, protective, affectionate and deeply emotional romantic nature. For general well-being and emotional security you require a safe home and a loving family. In romance, your super-sensitive feelings are vulnerable to the least slight – you are very fragile in this area, thus easily hurt. Your lack of romantic self-confidence requires that your partner demonstrates constant affection and devotion. Your moodiness, sentimentality and tendency to sulk could present some problems, but on the whole, you are the ideal marriage partner in that you cherish your home and family, seeking a stable and affectionate domestic life. (source)

Summary: Well, with the moon waxing to full in the power flows of June and Gemini, and with Venus shifting into Cancer it sounds like a day for honoring, celebrating, and re-enforcing love and relationships. Mercury’s influence along with Capricorn Lunar energy indicates this would be a great day for communication within relationships, including defining boundaries. I also have to include, for my own self, the influences of the day’s divinitory cards, so when celebrating and/or discussing love and relationships, I should do so from a higher consciousness, careful to keep morals in tact and not fall victim to “all about me” thinking.

Today’s Horoscope for Leo:

There is no reason for you to tolerate someone’s arrogance. Stand up for yourself.

You are feeling generous today — much more so than usual and so much so that it may draw attention (and praise) from an unexpected source. Keep it up and you’ll develop a great reputation!

Daily Extended
There is no reason for you to tolerate someone whose arrogance verges on rudeness today, no matter who they are. So if you feel you’re being taken advantage of or talked down to, do not hesitate to stand up for yourself and set this person right! Compromising your dignity is never acceptable. And if you are dealing with someone who you think might be unreasonable or even dangerous, then defend yourself by walking away. Do not dignify a bully by dealing with a bully.

Daily Flirt:
Your giant heart sometimes gets you in trouble, but today it’s nothing but rainbows and puppy dogs for you and your people! They adore your great energy, and you can’t help but help them out.

Daily Couples:
You’re generally happy, but you’re still feeling the urge to make some changes. If you’ve fallen into a routine with your sweetie, try mixing things up a bit. It doesn’t take much to make things seem new and interesting again.

Daily Singles:
Tired of waiting for Cupid to notice you? Get focused on the task at hand and grab your sexiest outfit for a night on the town with friends. You never know who’s eye you’ll catch.

Career & Finance:
Just like being in love magnifies someone’s good qualities, so disliking someone magnifies their bad qualities. Be professional, and don’t be bothered by such pettiness.


Other sources used:
Llewellyn’s Witches’ Datebok 2008

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Intro: Here’s another I’m drawing from ancient archives in honor of today’s Fairy Oracle, Romantic Partner. Again, I admit and openly know that the writing itself kinda sucks (although I am fond of a few lines)… the flow and meter are off, the punctuation is painful, but I’m choosing NOT to edit at this point because the whole purpose of “The Road Home” is to accept and appreciate all of my parts and my past, even the un-polished bits.

“Could This Be Love?”
Written by:
Wendi Friend

To love nature is easy
Just give in to the seasonal flow
Winds can be wild or light and breezy
While rain and sun cause things to grow
But the trees don’t complain
When the weather’s too cold
Nor do they explain
How they feel as they grow old
And though each winter life faces death
Winter exhales living spring’s breath
To love nature is easy

To love children is simple
Just tune in to their laughter
Appreciate their smile’s dimple
And believe in their happily ever after
Honor a child’s innocence and joy
At the simple things around them
They’ll play with the box before the toy
A child’s heart is a gem.
Children love with no conditions
Children openly trust
They have no hidden agenda or missions
Imaginations are robust.
To love children is simple

To love animals is effortless
Those joyful, loyal pets
Who will love you if you’re penniless
And up to your arse in debts
They cuddle without confining
They don’t hog the covers in bed
They don’t require fine dining
And let you know they love you
–without a word ever being said
They are always happy to see you
When you walk through your door
Their love is deep and real and true
They don’t hold grudges
–over things that happened before
To love animals is effortless

To love career is driving
Inspiration lights a fire
Pulse rate up and mind is thriving
Heart is pumping with desire
Everyone wants to be a success
And increase the cash they bank
Because without it you’re helpless-
just a third-class passenger
–on a boat that already sank
We want intelligence and high-class status
So we harness our tools and trade
We maneuver our chosen apparatus
And lead the employment parade
Regardless of the field one chooses
If the passion is right and ripe
One who aggresses never loses
If they’re the career lovin’ type
To love a career is driving

But to love another human
Dear Goddess, the implications
What’s done will never be undone
Regarding intimate relations
Yet still we search and hope to find
A perfect willing match
With a strong, loving heart and powerful mind
To which we can attach
Because alone we feel like half of a whole
And feel like something’s missing –
Like somewhere there exists a twin to our soul
With whom we should be reminiscing
About the good old days back when
In a life more open and free
Before the separation began
When there was unity
And so we find familiar faces
That we think might be lost love
We cling to even the slightest traces
Of that old familiar glove
Only to find we’d made an error
And the glove tried on just doesn’t fit
And all your dreams shatter in terror
And you feel like it’s time you finally quit
Searching for something that can’t be real
For something you’ll never find
For something that will always be surreal
And a figment of your disillusioned mind
But just when you accept this as true
And you give up on the chase
You meet someone who reminds you of you…
Who has a familiar face…

And you wonder…

Could this be love?

(Here we go again!)

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Intro: This was written long ago, around 2000/2001. I remember when, where, and why I wrote it. The punctuation, grammar, and style in this one really stink… and I’m not editing it because I’m at the point in my life where I appreciate the raw expressions of my past without trying to perfect them. I’m re-posting this today because I remembered it when I drew that Romantic Partner Fairy Oracle this morning. The card triggered a memory, so I’m including the memory on “The Road Home.”

“I don’t need you”
Written by:
Wendi Friend

I don’t need you to think I’m sexy
in order to know I’m a woman.
I don’t need you to show me the way
in order for my life to begin.

I don’t need you to call me smart,
in order to recognize intelligence –
and I don’t need to wait for you….
in order to play out my life’s events.

I don’t need to credit you
with all that I become,
I don’t need to belong to you
because I don’t belong to anyone!

I don’t need to beg of you
forgiveness for my mistakes ~
and I won’t worship the ground you walk on,
when the ground that you walk on quakes!

I don’t need to subscribe to the theory
that I can’t live without you
nor will I be suckered into believing
that I’d do anything for love – if it were true.

However …

Because I am a woman,
I’d like to be thought of as sexy.
I don’t fear getting lost along the way,
but I sure wouldn’t mind some company.

I’m not afraid to use my own mind,
but I value other opinions-
and though my life doesn’t depend on it,
I would like a bit of your attention

While I believe it’s sometimes right to be wrong
and that our mistakes can be our virtues,
I’ll try to be understanding through the journey long,
willing to walk a mile in another’s shoes.

And though I’ll walk on my own two feet
to reach the goals I’ve longed for,
the rewards of my efforts would be really neat-
but sharing it with love would be worth more.

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“Romantic Partner”

Romantic Partner

Well, damn if this didn’t get a snort and an eyeroll from me this morning! *laughs* There’s a voice in my head going, “Yeah, yeah, yeah… what about it? I know. I know.”

I’ve been writing quite a bit about this lately, actually. I’ve been making internal adjustments in regard to my views on love, romance, commitment, partnership, marriage, and all that jibberish. I’ve decided it’s time for that dreamy little girl to grow up an get a good, solid, firm grasp on this so-called reality. It’s the daydreamer in me, that little girl who fantasized of Prince Charming and Happily Ever After that gets me into so much trouble.

I’ve finally come to the conclusion that there is no Knight in Shining Armor… not in the way I’d once imagined, and that – in truth – I really don’t like the feeling of being swept off my feet and caught in that “airy-fairy” whirlwind of emotion. No… twitterpated is NOT where I want to be. I’d much rather stay grounded. But, I didn’t know that about myself when this new relationship sprouted, and it took a few hurt feelings for me to re-gain my balance and draw myself back in.

Well, I wrote of being guarded and shielded, then re-writing those words because they sounded to “protective”, and it wasn’t a “defense” mechanism. Instead, I said I’m keeping my heart “reserved”, holding some back, investing my love in more substantial areas… where it belonged… with my children, my animals, my writing, my home, my Self. I wrote that I can appreciate what there is to appreciate in romance and this new relationship without over-exposing myself, over-investing, over-analyzing, or dissecting it to death. Take it down a notch. Enjoy what there is to enjoy without forming an emotional attachment. Here today, gone tomorrow… I’ll survive. I don’t “need” anyone to promise me their forever or make me their one and only (do I?).

So I’m struggling with this issue, obviously. To love or not to love, that is the question. Nah, no it isn’t… that one I already know the answer to. I know how to love. I know how to love hard, deep, and completely (when I choose to). I guess the real question is: To be loved or not to be loved… now there’s the question.

So I’d come to the realization that I am not meant to be anyone’s “one and only”. I will never be “the one” that someone has been searching for. I’ll always be “really cool” and “fun to hang out with” and “this close” to perfect… but not close enough to be “the one”. That’s what prompted the writing of “The Stepping Stone” the other day, the first piece I’ve written fresh in a really long time, and one that was written from the paradoxed position of pain and healing.

And now that I’ve decided that I’ve gotten over myself and I’m cool with whatever, now I draw Romantic Partner? HA! No wonder the laughter card was a prelude to this (drawn earlier this week) telling me to find the humor in life. HA! HA! And frigging HA!

Well, if this card came up in a reading for someone else, I’d tell them that they were either about to meet a new Romantic Partner, or that if they already had one, it was a keeper and one that deserved more of their attention and energy. Of course, that interpretation might vary a tad depending on which other cards it came up with. When I do full spread readings for others, I use two decks together… the Rider/Waite deck which I read first, and then I lay the fairy Oracles on top of them so they’re synchronized. Nonetheless, the Romantic Partner is the focus here and is asking for attention.

How ’bout if I just shut up at this point and list what the book says. I’m obviously tripping over my own feet (tongue) with this one.

Card Meaning: A new romance is coming your way! Either a new partner, or a revival of passion in an existing relationship will delight you now or in the future.

Description: By drawing this card, the fairy realm wants you to know that a new wave of romance is coming your way. Romance could manifest itself in a number of delightful forms, such as meeting a new partner who makes your heart sing with excitement and passion, or a rejuvenation of a waning romance with a current love. Perhaps the new romance will take the form of an exciting getaway, such as a tropical vacation, a night at a quaint bed-and-breakfast Inn, or an evening of dinner and dancing.

Fairies love romance, and they know the importance of feeling passion in a relationship. Ask them to help you with imaginative ideas to create more romance in your life. They remind you that romance is a state of mind, and it involves playfulness and creativity. Sometimes when we’re stressed, we crave romance the most, yet we may not know how to experience romance. Let the fairies help you relax, allowing an inflow of romantic ideas to easily come to your mind, and also giving you the energy to put them into action and enjoy them to the utmost.

Affirmation: I am a romantic person. I release any fears I may have about giving or receiving love.

(Me: Awww, *wince*, do I hafta?)

Source: Healing with the Fairies Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue, Ph. D.

P.S. – Here’s an interesing sidenote that I’ll include in the Daily Dose: Today is Friday, ruled by Venus… a day for love, romance, and beauty. (HA!)

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Written by:
Wendi Friend

“The mind I love must have wild places, a tangled orchard where dark damsons drop in the heavy grass, an overgrown little wood, the chance of a snake or two, a pool that nobody’s fathomed the depth of, and paths threaded with flowers planted by the mind.” ~Katherine Mansfield~

Difficult and unreasonable as it may seem,
I do need specific things from the mind I love.

I am demanding,
so the mind I love
must be patient.

I am intelligent,
so the mind I love
must be wise.

I am strong,
so the mind I love
must be brave.

I am hungry,
so the mind I love
must be willing to give
….. and give.

I am learning,
so the mind I love
must be able to see
the same things in life
more than once
and still find them interesting.

I am enthusiastic,
so the mind I love
must be energetic.

I have much to offer,
so the mind I love
must be willing to receive
… and receive.

I am care free,
so the mind I love
must be strong.

I am imperfect,
so the mind I love
must be forgiving.

I am humorous,
so the mind I love
must be light hearted.

I am on a journey,
so the mind I love
must be adventurous.

I am mystical,
so the mind I love
must be permissive.

I am fragile,
so the mind I love
must be cautious.

I am delicate,
so the mind I love
must be gentle.

I have much to say,
so the mind I love
must be able to listen.

Difficult and unreasonable as it may seem
in order to reach my own potential,
I do need specific things
from the mind I love.

Once upon a time,
I lost my mind.
I think I just found it.

Perhaps the mind I need to love
is my own.

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Intro: This one dates back to about 2002, which seems to have been one of my more prolific years.  I thought I was clever with this one because Symphony was a nick-name for someone special in my life, and there are things written in here that only “we” would have understood.  As with many relationships, that one went sour… but I’m choosing to retain the inspirations that came from the combined energy when it was still a good thing.

“Love’s Symphony”
Written by:
Wendi Friend

Take a chance
heavy breathing
chests heaving
wanting much
tender touch
hold my hand
eye to eye
thigh to thigh
hip to hip
lip to lip
trust in me
set me free
feel my fear
please stay near
heart to heart…

… that’s where I’d start.

Feel emotion
drink the potion
living life through heart’s devotion
spirits lift
embrace the gift
for life on earth is sweet but swift
mystic vision
burdened with no indecision
only freedom
in my kingdom
let the shields down, we won’t need them
no defenses
only senses
not unnerved by false pretenses
only beauty
shall our eyes see
when we let love set our souls free

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Written by:
Wendi Friend

The topic of conversation was relationships, and Celso had a firm grasp (so he thought) on why relationships have the potential to turn into awful, ugly, dreadful, heart-wrenching battles. His philosophy in life was if something adds more pleasure than pain, you should fight with everything you are and have to hold on to it; but if something adds more pain than pleasure, you need to let go. Most people, according to Celso, didn’t know when to say when. When a relationship begins to go sour, there’s a certain amount of effort one can put forth to try to reign in what’s salvageable. Once you’ve put forth all your effort and nothing changes, then ties need to be cut. In theory, his concepts sounded wonderful. In fact, during the two years I was with him, I learned many things. Unfortunately for us, one of those things was when to say when.

I’ve never been one to let go of things too easily. I may fight to hold on because I feel there’s hope left. More often than not, I’m holding on for falsified reasons such as control, fear of failure, or the ability to remain in a comfort zone. Such was my way in relationships past, which left me exhausted emotionally and spiritually.

In past relationships, when a “loud discussion” would break loose, I didn’t debate issues to find a common ground. I debated with the intent to win the argument. I wanted to be right — and that was that. But with Celso, that habit changed. I’m not sure what it was about him that helped me evolve as a person, but being right became less important than keeping the peace or finding compromise. We were able to negotiate rather than argue. We truly communicated instead of having “loud discussions.” Celso had a way about him, through intellect, reason and compassion – a way that taught me what was acceptable and what was not acceptable when it came to dealing with others. He’d feed me quotes, read poetry, and play music to reach me on various levels. He was good for me. He was pure pleasure.

The course of time played a negative role in my relationship with Celso. Through drugs, alcohol, and other addictions, Celso began to lose himself. Believe me when I tell you I tried to reach him. I used his tactics — quotes, poetry, and music to try to hold on to him. I used my own tactics of writing letters or having late night chats under full moon skies. I was patient. I tried everything I knew; everything within my power — but nothing penetrated his shields to ward off his downward spiral. I couldn’t make him quit drinking. I couldn’t help him let go of drugs. I couldn’t help him repair the relationships he had with ex-wives, ex-girlfriends or his lost children. I couldn’t be his Angel. Before long, I saw my own life beginning to deteriorate. That’s when I realized I had two choices. I could either save myself, or go down with Celso’s ship.

It was June 13th, 1996. Following a horrific event between us at a concert, I knew the scales were tipped. After the show, we drove to an isolated area where I’d repeat words to him that he taught me. “I’m sorry, Celso, but being with you is adding more pain than pleasure to my life. I’ve fought to hold on, but now I know it’s time to let go.”

Nothing ever happened in our two years together to make me stop loving Celso. I didn’t hate him, although I would have if I’d stayed with him any longer than I did. I just knew we were no longer productive as a couple — and he knew I was right. He didn’t like it, but he couldn’t argue with his own logic.

The fact that I didn’t stop loving him is the same fact that keeps most people together longer than what is healthy. You can love someone with all your heart and soul, but it doesn’t mean you’ll be able to maintain a healthy relationship. To hold on after things have become so negative that everyone involved is miserable, in my opinion, is to hold on for one of three reasons: control, fear of failure, or desire to remain in a comfort zone.

Loving someone isn’t a solid enough reason to stay together when being together is hurting everyone involved. Separating from someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving him or her. Hearts will feel what they will, regardless of what our minds tell them. But it is important to recognize the point where you’ve put forth every effort in your power and yet you still can’t generate change. You can’t force another person to grow with you or evolve with you. When the bow of the relation-ship begins to sink, you have to make a choice: sink or swim.

How do you recognize when it’s time to say when? Easy — if something adds more pain than pleasure, despite your efforts to salvage what’s left, it’s time to let go. Celso’s downward spiral never improved. In fact, it escalated to the point that he became so absorbed in alcohol and drugs that he got himself in trouble with the law in the worst kind of way. Rather than pay the consequences of going to prison, he took his own life on October 6, 1996. That’s when I realized that I did the right thing by knowing when to say when, even though doing it hurt. Leaving him hurt me, but staying with him would have hurt me more.

I never stopped loving him. May he rest in peace.

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Intro: This is another piece from 2003.  At the time it was written, I was not involved with anyone romantically. In fact, I wrote this as a way to determine what it was I sought from a relationship so that I didn’t find myself stepping into some of the same pitfalls of the past.  My concepts of love and relationships have changed some since I’d written this, but as a valued part of my past, I’m including it here.

“Let Me”
Written by:
Wendi Friend

Let me hold you in my arms
without forever

Let me kiss you

Let me touch you

Let me adore you

Let me care for you
take care of you
dote on you
and spoil you
preconceived notions

Let me mystify you
entrance you
bewitch you
mesmerize and
hypnotize you

Let me be with you
laugh with you
enjoy you
to the fullest

Let me guide you
teach you

show you
lead you

Let me absorb you
draw energy from you
learn from you
follow you
grow with you

Let me love you
be in love
with you
love being
with you
love everything
about you

Let us become
better people
better for it
better through it
more because of it
and grateful
for it
for what ever
it is
is not
will be
or won’t

Let me be beautiful
to you
every time
you see me
Let me blow
your mind
and rock
your world
and please
your eyes
your intillect
your body
your heart
and your soul

Let’s just enjoy
what there is
to enjoy
and let the rest
take care
of itself

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