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As promised, I called the doctor yesterday morning.  I told them I was being referred by my mother, and they told me they could get me in within about two to three weeks, then asked what I needed to be seen for.  I explained to the receptionist about the severe headaches, occasional nose bleeds, rapid weight loss, and the swelling in my right side.  She said, “Okay, we can get you in today. How soon can you get here?”  But when she realized I was a new patient, she went back to her original tune, “We can’t see you for at least three weeks.” She then encouraged me to go directly to the ER.

I’m not going to the ER. Instead, I went directly to work.  I worked the full day, almost.  By six-thirty, my entire right side was tight, solid as a rock.  I’d noticed some strange interactions – like, the headache was a constant presence, but mostly a “numbness” or “tingling” rather than pain.  But whenever I’d pick up a tray (with my left hand), I could feel a cold tingling shoot up my back and into the base of my head. It felt like cold water.  The headache would intensify the entire time I was holding the tray, but as soon as I’d set it back down, I’d feel the “cold water” slide back down my back until it was gone.  I tried to eat, but didn’t get along too well with the grilled chicken I’d ordered and mostly just pushed things around my plate, forcing in a few bites along the way.  At about six-thirty, when I went to pick up an iced tea pitcher, I felt a “pop” just under my rib cage. It wasn’t painful… just weird.  Then my whole abdomen started to swell.  They let me go home.

When I got home, both of the kids were concerned and wanted me to go to the ER, but I suggested we wait and carry through with our original plan, which was to go to the urgent care center after they get home from school today.  We discovered that if I lay down, the swelling and tighness subside.  It’s when I stand up or am in motion that it seems to be aggravated.  The “ball” or “mass” that was under my rib cage seems to move.  Last night, it was lower in my torso, near my belly button, off to the right a bit.  My mom came over and pushed things around, wiggled things up, and the knot disappeared all together.  Later that night, when I was sleeping, it came back out… under the rib cage again.  So, it moves, hides, then resurfaces.  It’s not painful, though – it’s just “weird”.  There is a tenderness to touch… but it’s more like nerves or pinched nerves than it is a pre-existing pain.  You have to touch it in the right spot for it to hurt, but if untouched, it’s just “there”.  So, when the kids get home this afternoon, we’ll drive into town and visit the urgent care to see what’s going on.  Meanwhile, I still have this stupid headache.

Gonna push through a Daily Dose this morning, then wrap up my traffic school.  Tonight, I need to type up the reports from last week’s Tarot Readings and numerology, because I’m already booked full for this Friday. I’d like to get last Friday’s business in order before this Friday accumulates more.

Haven’t studied at all this week, or worked on my articles.  Part of that is just because of the headache, and the stress I’m carrying around.  There are so many things I’m worried over right now – the Jeep, the dogs, the bills, the lack of groceries, the romantic situations, the business, my health conditions, work issues, etc. — it’s hard to be creative under that mountain of stress – and I’m sure that stress is responsible for some if not all of my physical issues.

Nonetheless, life is good.

W

Last night’s dreams were off the hook! I slept solid, though I didn’t go to sleep until late… nearly 3 a.m. – and with headache still in tact.  But the dreams were wild…

The first thing I remember is bringing in a grip of new animals, most specifically cats and birds.  The cats were like the return of all the cats I’ve owned before but no longer have.  I saw Cleocatra, the first cat I had in my adult life who ran away after her litter of kittens had been distributed to other homes (probably too early).  I saw Bagiera, the black cat I had to have put down because of feline lukemia.  I saw the four kitty sisters – Opal, Topaz, Garnet, and Peridot.  We had all the cats in the back kennel – and the new birds (exotic birds, including one as a gift for my mother), were in cages in the house.  What I remember is being at the kennel, on the outside, in the back yard – when I heard a sound – heavy slithering and breaking branches – coming down the hill.  I turned to look and saw an alligator.  I hollered to the kids and started running, trying to make it to and through the sliding glass door before the alligator could get me. This sucker was huge – at least six to eight feet in length – and fat, but quick. It chased me through the yard, snapping it’s jaws at me, but I made it through the door in time, just barely.  We caught it’s snout in the door as we were trying to close it.  Rhythm was going to try to “kick” the snout out to finish closing the door, but I cautioned him against it.  The alligator stayed and watched me, scratching at the door, snapping its jaws.  It wasn’t interested in anyone other than me. It wanted to eat me.

Alligator and/or crocodile are not in my Medicine wheel cards, but I do have them in the book Animal Speak by Ted Andrews. He lists their keynotes as, “Primal energies of birth, motherhood, and initiation.”  It has much to do with ingesting knowledge slowly, and using wisely new wisdom that is coming forth.

The next segment of the dream had Rhythm killing two of my cats.  I had come in from somewhere (dunno where) and he told me straight away, “I had to put down Bagiera and Topaz”.  I asked what he meant by “put down”.  He said they scratched him, so he considered them a danger and put them down.  Apparently, we had the tools on hand for injecting the animals with a final dose? I was extremely upset and asked him why he didn’t wait for me, why he didn’t ask if I was okay with it, and how he’d feel if he came home and found out I’d put his dogs down.  I was terribly upset, crying and hysterical over the loss of these cats.

Cats, according to Animal Speak by Ted Andrews, have keynotes of “Mystery, magick, and independence.” However, in the myths and legends of time and cultures past, cats were also associated with fertility.

The book, A Witch’s Book of Dreams by Karri Allrich says this about cats: “Often a favorite familiar of the Witch, the feline is mystery and knowledge, an ally, one who shares secrets. Independent and beautiful. Feminine instinct, a hunter, a seeker of comfort. Inscrutable. Do you have a cat in your life? this dream may reflect an aspect of your own feline instinct. If the cat is wounded, a part of your instinctual feminine is wounded. Are you rescuing the cat (your natural instinct)? Feeding it? (Nurturing your intuition?) If the cat has given birth to kittens, renewed feminine instinct/intuition is being born within you.”

Well, in my case, the cats were being killed – this particular book also suggests that every person we see in our dreams is merely a reflection of some portion of our own energy – an element of ourselves being shown to us in a different light.  That being the case, Rhythm in the dream would be an aspect of myself – the “Masculine” aspect, the “man of the house” part of me.  Therefore, the masculine urges in me are feeling threatened by the feminine instincts and trying to stiffle them. I can see how this might be true in my current circumstance, particularly in relation to love and romance.

As for the exotic birds, there was one specifically that was a gift for my mother.  It seemed almost reptillian, though, which is weird.  It had the wings of a bird, but the head and tail of a lizard.  It was copper in color, but had tropical colored feathers on its torso and wings.  Mom opened the cage door, the creature climed up on top of the cage door, but mom started waving her hands frantically and trying to “rush” the bird, forcing it to climb on her hand.  I remember telling Mom, “Give it time, Mom. Let him get used to you. You’re going to scare him.  We don’t know yet if he bites.  Ease off.”

The next part of the dream had me working in some sort of store – not the magick shoppe, I don’t think – but some sort of hodgpodge of retro relics and antiques, to carnival type foods – cotton candy, candied apples, etc. There was also an element of catering as I had a dessert case with samples of a wide variety of elaborate desserts and appetizers.  There was one person from work in the dream – a guy who recently moved, so I know i won’t be seeing again.  He was cool because he had a lot of metaphysical tendencies and we had some great chats and shared a few insights in the break room while he still worked there.  I’m not sure what his energy represented in this dream.  He was in no way a romantic connection – just a cool character, an old soul, and a great thinker that I loved to chat with.

In the dream, I was just closing up the store for the day.  I remember saying, “It wasn’t a bad day.”  Then, I flipped the sign on the door from “Open” to “Closed”, and as soon as the “closed” sign was showing, I woke up.

Preface: I wrote this last night in a fit of anger. I thought I’d found certain truths that matter of factly indicated deception.  Then, I re-thought it in the face of what I recognized as my own paranoia.  Then I wondered if I’d reached such a state of confusion that I could no longer tell the difference between intuition and paranoia, or if I’d become so clouded that I could no longer separate my own opinons from those of others.  I felt guilty for having written it, and took it down.  This morning, as I read the description of Weasel, I realize this poem describes weasel energy precisely!  I still don’t know if what I’m feeling is intuition that’s warning me, or paranoia that’s keeping me from seeing the reality of a situation.  I still don’t know whether or not I should be trusting, or if trusting would paint me to be the fool… again.  And, while I wrote this last night, I had one situation in mind – one “trigger” that penned the thoughts.  However, this morning, I can see several situations to which this might apply.  That being said, in the spirit of being completely open and honest with myself, I’ve decided to re-publish this piece.  Yes… I’m confused inside myself, and torn between past, present and future pains and promises.

Surely, You Jest! (Almost the fool… again)

I was a fool for you once…
Unabashedly, unequivocally,
Undeniably, unstoppably the fool
For you… once.

I will not be a fool
For you again.

So smooth are the words,
So cleverly formed,
So expertly delivered –
That any of three or more maidens
Would by them be wooed…
For who among us doesn’t dream
Of being swept off her feet
By a gallant and chivalrous knight?

I swooned for you once.
Nearly twice…
I will not swoon for you
Again…

So long had it been
That the pain had nearly faded –
Or it faded, at least, in the midst
Of the deeper pain I was feeling
In the moment…

But one moment of weakness
Does not make me a fool.
I was a fool for you once.
I will not be your fool again.

I know how to look
I know where to look
I know when to look
When it’s clear I’m being deceived –
And it’s clear… so clear… that deception is at hand!

And in spite of how much
I’d have rather believed,
Truth rears its head yet again
And all I can do is laugh…

Laugh ’til I cry
’til I laugh again.

Men!

Surely, you jest!

I over-slept.  It’s not often I do that — not often at all, but I sure did do it today.  I remember turning off the alarm, then giving myself caution, “You didn’t hit snooze, you turned it off.”  Then, I excused myself, told myself I’d get up, and proceded to go right back into a deep sleep.

This is the third night in a row I’ve dreamed about babies.  I’m either pregnant with them, just had them, found them (orphaned and needing cared for), or helping someone take care of theirs. I also dreamed about my little brother.  I was walking though some kind of market place, but I was looking down at my own feet, lost in my own thoughts. I bumped into someone, said sorry, and tried to move to the right – without looking up.  The person in front of me moved with me, intentionally blocking my path. I moved to the other side, the person moved.  Frustrated, I was in the process of raising my head to meet the person eye to eye as I said, “Excuse me, Sir.”  And that’s when I saw his face and squealed.”

“It’s my baby brother!” I hollered. “My brother’s here!” I scooped him up in a big hug, laughing at the moose antlers he was wearing  on his head.  Moose is one of my animal totems, the totem guarding the West, which helps with personal truths, inner answers, and the path to your goals.  Interesting that my brother’s energy wearing moose antlers BLOCKED MY PATH. 

My dad was also in the dream, but only for a split second.  He was asking me about the Jeep and whether or not I’ve had her fixed, and then said, “Make sure you take care of that little one.” And looked at my tummy.

Let’s recap – I cannot have children! I’ve had a hysterectomy, but some of the cards last week indicated new life, and the dreams are crazy full of babies.  Babies in dreams represent new energy, new beginnings, innocence, and dependency. 

Anyway, no time to go into all of that today… as soon as the uniform comes out of the dryer, I’m outta here. And mom sent me the number for her doctor, so I have to call there before I head out.

Of all days I wish I had time to do a Daily Dose, this is it.  It’s Mabon, Fall Equinox, the first day of Autumn.  It’s also the day we have our new VP in the store, so the day is bound to be high tension. Also today, the Sun shifts into Libra from Virgo, and I’m hoping that Libra energy restores a bit of balance to things in every day life.

Time to call the doc, pin the hair up, get into uniform, and head out…

Life is good.

W

A Night Cap

Well, this turned out to be a long and semi-painful day.  It was nice not having to go in to work until two, but we were busier tonight than we have been in a long while, and although I was scheduled off at seven p.m., they kept me until nine serving tables, then ’til ten doing sidework and rolling silverware.

I’m not sure if it was all the touchy-feely going on yesterday, or if this problem is just “new” (doubtful), but it felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to my right side.  Each time I’d reach with my right hand to pick up a stack of plates, I found myself gritting my teeth and forcing a smile to hide the wince that was fighting to break free.  When I finally got to the Jeep, the bra had to go… immediately. Even that caused major irritation.  Then, when I got home, I noticed there actually is bruising – not bad, not terribly black and blue, just a bit purple-ish in some areas around my ribs.  And that knot in my upper abdomen is ever present.  Was planning to call the doctor first thing in the morning, but have been asked to go in to work early.  We’ve got a new regional vice president and he’s spending about 6 hours at our store tomorrow, so they want to over-staff and have everyone on egg shells.  I told them I’d try… but going in at 9 a.m., which means leaving the house by 7, is a bit difficult when I didn’t get home until eleven the night before.  And tomorrow was already scheduled as a 9 hour day without me going in early.  If I add two, that puts me there for eleven hours… and I’m just not sure I want to do that while my body is in a state of rebellion. So, I’ll likely opt out of going in early, will do my daily dose, see if I can get in touch with a doctor and hopefully get an appointment for Tuesday.  I really don’t want to go to the ER for something like this – nor do I want to pay the $200 ER co-pay.  I’m off Tuesday, so it’ll work out perfectly if I can get someone to see me then.

I did manage to eat today… and did more than just push my food around on my plate.  I didn’t eat a ton, mind you, but enough.  Still, I know one meal a day is not the healthy approach – and waiting ’til 6 p.m. to eat it is even worse… I just don’t seem to have much of an appetite these days. It has nothing to do with concern for my weight – I have had no desire to lose weight or “diet”. I just don’t feel hunger like I used to – and when I do feel hunger, I’ll get food, take two bites, decide I don’t feel good, and be done with it.

I’d love to stay here and unravel the rest of my thoughts… there are so many of them, but I’m pressed to fire up that stupid traffic school course and get it done with, especially since tomorrow’s such a long day and I’m hoping to be out to see the doctor on Tuesday.

Nonetheless, life is good.

W

I took too long. Ran out of time before I could draw the Tao or tie together all the pieces with a daily dose. Nonetheless, I do feel I got exactly what I needed from the Tarot, Fairy Oracles, and Animal Medicine Cards.  They were all right on target, especially in relation this morning and last night’s posts.  Off to shower and change for work.

This is a repeat card, one that has come up often for me and seems to tie in perfectly with today’s Tarot and my recent thinking patterns.  I also feel inclined to note that I re-took that Chakra Test this morning and learned that my third eye chakra is extremely over-active, as is my throat chakra (communication).  I’ve got a few books here on Chakra healing, cleansing, and balancing – that include physical exercises one can do to get things back in order.  Since exercise and physical health seem to be a theme for me at the moment, it’s probably a good idea to do some quiet meditating and some personal chakra work.

Here’s today’s Fairy Oracle:

Higher Consciousness

Higher Consciousness

Here’s what the guidebook says:

Card Meaning: You are receiving guidance from your true self, your higher consciousness, which is one with Divine universal wisdom. You are listening to love rather than fear.

Description: This card is a validation that your recent feelings, thoughts, dreams, and aspirations are coming from Spirit. You have been asking for Divine guidance, and your higher self has answered your prayers. Your spiritual path has helped you hear this voice because you’ve taken the time to listen. Perhaps you’ve begun a meditation or yoga practice, and this has helped you quiet your mind. Or maybe you’ve put your foot down to the Universe and have adamantly decided to improve your life.

Whichever route you’ve taken is working very well. Now, the fairies ask you to keep having conversations with your higher consciousness. This will involve carving out time away from noise and stress. You may need to take frequent nature walks, join a spiritual support group, or go on a retreat. By quieting your life and your mind, the voice of your higher consciousness becomes increasingly loud and clear. It guides you perfectly through all life areas.

Affirmation: I easily hear and understand the inner voice of Spirit.

Source: Healing with the Fairies Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue, Ph. D.

This strikes a chord with the last comment I’d made in this morning’s coffee thoughts – that I could feel a portal opening in front of me and things would become clear.  The Moon in Tarot signifies illusion, or moving through a shadow realm.  Things feel more fearful, more emotional, more uncertain. 

Walking through the woods during the day, we can rejoice in their beauty, take in with delight the songs of the birds, play with pine cones, and enjoy the woods for what they are.  But walk through the woods at night? Suddenly you feel like you’ve been sucked into the Blair Witch Project and everything makes you fearful.  Senses are hightened.  We become aware of every sound as if they signify attack, and we’re aleart for any dangers (including those that aren’t real!).  This is the feeling we have when we’re under the influence of The Moon in Tarot.

The fact that this card is inverted today makes me feel as though the energy of this card is waning, moving away… as though sunrise is about to happen.  It’s always darkest before the dawn – and things have been very dark in Wendiland lately – on all counts, every plane, each dimension from romance to work to domestic situations to physical health.  The viel is about to be lifted, though – and I take this card as a sign that it’ll be lifting soon. In the Tarot, the card that comes right after the moon is The Sun!

Here’s what the other sources say:

From LearnTarot.com:

feeling fear
releasing inner demons
feeling a nameless apprehension
suffering from phobias
giving in to the shadow self
lacking courage
being overcome by anxieties 

believing illusions
accepting a false picture
deceiving yourself
having unrealistic ideas
misapprehending the truth
experiencing distortions
chasing after a fantasy 

stimulating the imagination
having vivid dreams or visions
opening to fantasy
plumbing the unconscious
entertaining unusual thoughts
being outlandish and bizarre 

feeling bewildered
losing direction and purpose
having trouble thinking clearly
becoming confused
being easily distracted
feeling disoriented
wandering aimlessly

Sadly, we are usually afraid of the Moon. In readings, this card often stands for fears and anxieties – the ones that come in the darkest part of the night. Card 18 also stands for illusions. It is easy to lose our way in the moonlight. Be careful not to let deceptions and false ideas lead you astray. Sometimes the Moon is a signal that you are lost and wandering aimlessly. You must find your way back to the path and your clarity of purpose.

If you look around the room right now, you will (probably!) see people and objects that are comforting in their familiarity. Everything is exactly as you expect it to be. You know that if you closed your eyes and opened them, the room would be the same. But…have you ever lost the familiar to find, in its place, a world so extraordinary you can’t even grasp it? This is the experience of the Moon.

Most of the time we live in a tiny pocket of normality that we wrap around us like a security blanket. We turn our backs on the mysterious universe that waits outside. From time to time we may sneak a peak with our imagination, or venture out through fantasy or expanded awareness. We can be thrust out there unprepared through drugs, madness or intense experiences such as battle.

The Moon is the light of this realm – the world of shadow and night. Although this place is awesome, it does not have to be frightening. In the right circumstances, the Moon inspires and enchants. It holds out the promise that all you imagine can be yours. The Moon guides you to the unknown so you can allow the unusual into your life.

From AeclecticTarot:

THE MOON

Basic Card Symbols

A full moon (with a crescent within), twin pillars, two dogs/wolves howling, a stream that runs to the ocean, a crayfish emerging out of the water.

Basic Tarot Story

Following the star the Fool travels through the night. The full Moon rises, illuminating for him a watery path. And he begins to feel disoriented, as if walking in his sleep. He passes under the moon, between two pillars ancient and strange. Suddenly, he looks around to find himself in another land entirely. When he was in the presence of the High Priestess, he saw hints of this dark land through the sheer veil draped behind her throne. And later, when he hung from the tree, he felt himself between the physical world and this one. Now, he has at last passed behind the veil. Here are the mysteries he sought, at least, here are the dark mysteries, ones that have to do with the most primal and ancient powers; powers of nature, not of civilization. It is a land poets, artists, musicians and madmen know well, a terrifying, alluring place, with very different rules. Wolves, howling in homage to the moon, run wild across this land, hunting along side maidens with bow and arrows; and creatures from childhood nightmares and fantasies peer from shadows, eyes glowing.

The path the Fool was walking is now a river, and he stands hip-deep in the powerful pull of its salty, moonlit waters. There is, on the nearby shore, a small boat, but it has no rudder, no oar. The Fool realizes he has only two choices. He can lose himself in this desolate, primal land of madness and illusion, howl with the wolves, be hunted down, or he can get into the boat, and trust himself to the river. The moon will be in control either way, but in the boat, his surrender to the powers of the unconscious and the natural world will at least take him somewhere. As the artists and poets and magicians know, inspiration, visions, genius, Moon magic, are the rewards of such surrender. The Fool gets into the boat, and shoves off. As the waters sweep him away, moon beams light his “path” and he feels the Mistress of this dark land gazing down at him with the High Priestess’s approving eyes.

 

Basic Meaning

With Pisces as its ruling sign, the Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. The Querent who gets this card should be warned that they may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if they have any past mental problems, they must be vigilant in taking their medication. They should avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. They can and should trust their intuition.

Thirteen’s Observations

This is the card of that scary, dreamy, secret otherworld where lies the most powerful and dark magic. Primal magic. It is the card that you’d get for Jackson Pollack types, switching between being wild, mean, crazy drunks and creative geniuses. They have wicked mood swings, dark, dark, dark depressions, charming manic modes. They have no inhibitions, don’t even try to behave themselves in polite society, their crazy behavior sometimes inspired, sometimes horribly embarrassing, even unbelievable and even dangerous. But the art, poetry, music they produce….it’s magic. When I get this card, I let the Querent know they’re in for an emotional and mental rollercoaster ride. They can do two things, either wander through this crazy, lunatic landscape howling at the moon (get drunk, wallow in depression, alienate friends and family with wild, antisocial behavior), or get in a boat and go through it purposefully (paint something!).

From Solitary Witch: Book of Shadows for the Next Generation by Silver Raven Wolf:

Intuition; deception; night work; hidden dangers; instinct; struggle for sanity; change; possible confusion; magick; gossip; stuck between a rock and a hard place; self-esteem issues; empathetic. Astrological association: Pisces.

And, from Numerology and the Divine Triangle by Faith Javane and Dusty Bunker:

As a temporary vibration: Caution, dreaming, healing, body care. You must slow down the fast pace of your life. You need to pay more attention to your bodily needs; therefore, exercise outdoors, eat properly and get sufficient sleep.

Your dreams are active now, and any sleeplessness you experience is the product of an extremely vivid imagination. New plans and ideas are forming in your mind. Do not start new projects, but rather allow the ideas to germinate. They will blossom at a later date. Maintain your present status while considering changes, such as new occupation.

Healing forces are working beneath the surface, and your health can improve if you allow periods of quiet conteimplation to calm your mind. Your thoughts have a potent control over your bodily processes now.

Sign documents carefully or not at all, if possible. Be on guard against deception in business and difficulties in personal affairs. Family quarrels and accidents are caused by rashness or carelessness. Travel is not advisable. Mental unsettledness can bring a physical illness. Wars and revolutions are brought on by such vibrations.

You have a unique opportunity to organize your life now. Set your environment in order, clean your house, organize your desk, finish up odds and ends. Such actions will direct your subconscious to set itself in order as well. Then your dreams and visions will express the future direction you should follow.

Tarot Symbolism: Key 18: The Moon. Evolutionary growth and development come under key 18. The keywords are organization and sleep. The function of the Moon is sleep, and during sleep, waste is eliminated and new materials are woven into the body. Consciousness continues while the upper brain cels rest. It is during sleep that our aspirations and efforts are being built into the body cells. What we think and do all day goes on influencing the body while we sleep. Every cell is a center of consciousness, and every cell contains spirit. Astrologically, Pisces, the final sign of the zodiac, rules this key.

The shellfish coming out of the water represents the lower form of existence. Shaped like a scorpion, it indicates the creative force starting on the path of return, which leads to the mountain of attainment. The narrow path implies that concentration is necessary. It goes up, then down, but always rises higher at the next step. It is meant to show that spiritual unfoldment does not come all at once, but rather progresses gradually.

The dog and wolf are of the same species, but one is wild and the other is domesticated (depicting nature aided by human consciousness). The towers are human handiwork. The thirty-two rays of the Moon iindicate the thirty-two paths on the Tree of Life, and the faling yods represent the decent of the life force from a higher plane into the material world. Many symbols here show that we can change the outward structure of things. They are proof that the same changes may be accomplished within the body through organization and cultivation.

Astrological correspondence: The Sun (and Pisces). The test of Saturn (8) is energized and supported by Mars (1), resulting in full attainment and realization (9, The Sun).

With the combination of the Sun and Pisces, final completion is possible under this number. The Sun, representing true individuality finds its own true identity in key 18, which symbolizes body consciousness. By combining body consciousness and control with realization of one’s self, all things are possible.

I’m surprised I didn’t wake up terribly hung over.  It’s been so long since I’ve had any adult beverages — not that I ever had a problem with it, but I just reached a point where alcohol didn’t do anything for me, and I prefer life with a clear view.  But last night was somethin’ else and it was the only thing I could think of to help ease the pain.

I passed out cold right after I made my last entry, which I think was somewhere around ten p.m. – I woke up at about three, head-ache still in tact, with the added nausea of, “Good God, girl, how much did you drink?”  I didn’t vomit or anything, just had to sit through a few major waves of maybe.  With a double lined trash can next to me, I pulled up the traffic school course and ploughed through another hour.  If all goes as planned with no more net issues, I should be able to have that finished by tonight. I need to – not only is it stressin’ me out knowing it’s there every day, but I’m almost out of the time allotted for finishing it.  I’ll be so glad when that’s over!

Went back to bed at about four-ish and had no problem going back to sleep.  However, I did wake up twice more.  Seems the headache is worst when I lay on my left side, or have my head turned to the right (when I’m on my stomach).  At one point, I realized I was sleeping in fetal position with my right elbow pressing into my right side… and I wonder if that may be part of the problem.  Maybe it’s just tender and knotted because I’m pressing in on that spot unknowingly with my elbow while I’m sleeping.  I dunno.

It was 9:30 a.m. when I finally gave up on sleep and fetched a cup of coffee.  The headache was still present, but fading.  Now, at 10:30, it’s more of a numbness than a pain… and although it feels funky, I can handle it. It’s not overbearing or all consuming.

I know much of it is stress related, including the weight loss.  Things at work are getting pretty bad. The economy is kicking our asses – everyone’s hours have been cut and the tips are dropping drastically.  I’m usually scheduled for 37 hours or so each week, and by week’s end, clock a total of 39 or 40.  Last week, I noticed they were giving early outs, cutting the floor much earlier than usual.  On one hand, I enjoyed it because it gave me a few extra hours in the evening to get things done, but on the other hand, I was aware of how much money I was losing.  This week, they just blatantly cut the schedule and I’m only scheduled to work 28 hours.  Yeah, we’re not gonna be able to survive on that.  Not even close… especially with tips being as bad as they have been.  What’s worse is that the entire town is like that… and jobs are not readily available.  Any server position is going to be the same situation because every restaurant in town is feeling the same pressures – tips dropping and hours being cut. I’m not really trained or qualified to do anything else, so of course, the need to get my own business up and off the ground is pressing on me.  I want to do it right now…. and I’m trying to figure out a way that I can actually do it by January 1st.  I’d love to have a “grand opening” on New Year’s Day.  Getting the license won’t be the issue – it’s finding and paying for a centrally located building and then being able to meet overhead costs.  I’ll have to do some serious thinking and planning over the next few weeks before I’m able to determine if it can be done.

September is almost over, thank Heavens.  It has been much harder on me than I’d anticipated.  I seem to be fluctuating between realities – past, present, future.  Everything is still in major transition. Everything is changing.  My heart is divided and doesn’t know what it’s supposed to be doing.

I’ve a short shift today, which is different for a Sunday.  Instead of working twelve to fourteen hours, I don’t have to go in until two, and I’m scheduled out at 7.  Have to go to the market after work ’cause there’s nothing in the fridge or cupboards right now. *sigh*

Gonna go work through a Daily Dose, then take a long, hot shower.

There’s a portal right in front of me… I can feel it.  I have a feeling that within three days, things will look very different than they do right now.  Some of the blanks are about to be filled in, missing puzzle pieces are about to show up.  I can just feel it.  I don’t know what it is… but it’s something.

In spite of the pains and problems, the stress and the instability…

Life is good.

 

W

The pain is such today that I cannot run, cannot hide, cannot paint on a pretty face to fool the world into thinking I’m fine, fine fine.  It huts… and it’s cracking me into a million pieces.

My son says he knows, tries to remind me, but in the face of this pain, I do not care from whence the source comes –  be it premotionion headache or otherwise…the fact is, the pain is bigger than I am.  And if this is some truth trying to reveal itself to me, I’d rather be blind than to feel this splitting open of my own self.

Something is wrong… and I don’t mean something small or insignificant.  Ya know, I’ve known for a while that these headaches were increasing… coming more often, more intense in depth and length.  I’ve also noticed a major loss in weight.  Anorexic? Nah… not trying, not concerned, don’t think about it.  But tonight, after weeks of avoiding truths, I stepped on my mother’s scale and could only say, “Holy shit. Really?”  From 136 to 123 in less than a month.  Ruh roh, that’s a problem.I woke up in pain.  I tried the usual – stretching, bending, rocking…. the pain increased.  I was due to go out with my mom and did not want to be a fuddy duddy stick in the mud, but for fuck sake, this pain is something else.  I went out anyway.  Looked like crap – stuck a baseball cap over unwashed hair, slipped into a pair of jeans and a tee, and called it done.  The day wasn’t so bad, nevermind the ever increasing splitting pain in my head.

When I got home, I tried to take a nap.  Sleep usually cures what bothers me… but I couldn’t sleep.  The pain was such it kept me awake.  Finally, when I’d reached my witt’s end, I called for my daugher.

“Baby girl, I will pay you… just please, please, rub some of this tension out of my shoulders and tailbone.”

We made a discovery I wish we hadn’t made.

On my right side, between my rib cage and hip bone, is an “abnormality”.  We both knew it the second she found it.  No doubt it was the source of my head ache.  It felt like displaced bone, or like a mass – from the outside. From the inside, it felt like tied nerves, knots, electrical wires gone haywire.  Without my permission, my legs kicked and body folded any time she’d touch the spot.  It’s quite clearly connected between my back and my stomach.  I have no idea what this is.

Out of concern, we agreed to call Rhythm in for his assessment.  His concern scared us both even more.

“Mom? Something’s not right. You really need to go get checked.”

Three votes unanimous, we called my mom to come over.  Stinkerbelle gave her the tour of my torso:

“First, feel this side, Mammaw.”  My daughter guided my mother’s hand over the left side of my body.  Then, my daughter says, “Now compare it to this”.

I flip over on the bed, exposing my other side, and my mother’s eyes transform from curiously confused to seriously concerned.

“Do you still have insurance?” She asks me.

“Yeah, through the ex, but I can’t afford any kind of co-pay right now.”

We all agreed, this needs to be checked out.  It’s either bone displacement or some kind of mass that has my entire upper right side in knots.  My lower left side is just as bad, from tailbone to ankle.  It’s as if my hips “slipped”{, the left side dropping, right side elevating, and every nerve between here and there being pinched.

My mom then talked about my weight, stating her concerns about how fast and how much I’ve been losing.

“I’m not trying, I promise” I say to her in all honesty.

We agreed that I’d follow mom next door to her house and get on her scale.  We were both in shock when we saw the 123 pop up on the screen.  I stepped off and back on just to make sure.

Mom poured me a glass of wine and ran a bath for me, thinking part of my problems might be stress and tension.  I soaked in a hot tub and polished the entire bottle, minus one glass that mom had, of white zinfandel.

It’s been months, if not nearly a year, since I”ve had any kind of alchoholic beverage, but I needed something to kill this pain in my head.  It’s unbearable, literally.  I could rip my own hair out.  I soaked in the tub and stretched left and right, constantly aware of the mass in my side and the pain ripping through my head.

My son reminded me: “You know what these headaches are, Mom. Something’s going on.” Still, though, the abnormality in my right side concerns him as well, and he, too, is encouraging a doctor’s visit – even though right now we’re struggling to even put food on the table.

I’m not sure if I’ll go to the doctor or not.  I do know, however, that the bubble bath worked wonders, and the tipping of the bottle has me temporarily feeling no pain.

If I wasn’t so fubared in this moment, I’d go through my archives and take note of every time I said I had one of these headaches.  They’re becoming so much more frequent. But now is not the time.  In fact, now is the time to kiss the kids goonightand pass the F out.

Something is so wrong….