Archive for the ‘17. Journal’ Category

Artwork by Amy Brown

Artwork by Amy Brown

She’s been with me for several weeks now, poised gracefully atop my dresser, her gaze focused towards my bed where she watches over me as I sleep.

T had taken me to do a Tarot reading for a friend of his, and the woman and I “clicked”.  Her reading was powerful – not just for her, but for me as well.  A while after, I’d come home from work planning on heading out of town with T for the weekend, and when I arrived, I saw this Faerie on my kitchen table, propped up, so she could greet me as I walked through the door.  Behind her stood my two children, as if their energy was projecting the image in the artwork, making her larger than life.  Next to her, a card from the woman whose reading I’d done… the contents of which made me cry the good kind of tears.  Since then, I’ve chatted with the woman via email in short increments and she’s mentioned several times that she couldn’t wait to hear my reaction to the Faerie, yet I’ve not really shared much with her about that.  There’s reason.

This Faerie reached me in multiple ways and I couldn’t just say, “Oh, she’s beautiful” or “I really like it.”  No, there had to be more… but the “more” factor had to ferment.  I had to think it through.  I had to bond with the Faerie, “listen” to her, “understand” her, so I could relay what she really means to me…. and, by george, I think I’ve finally got it.

My first reaction when seeing her is that she’s a Yule Faerie, a Faerie of the winter.  This was clear to me not only by the colors of her dress and wings, but also by the Holly in her hair.  Let me extend my thoughts on the colors and the Holly.

The color of the base of the dress is a deep red, and red aligns with the Root chakra, one of my chakras that was out of balance according to my last chakra test. Here’s what I’d written about that on June 25th:

“Root Chakra- Under active – this is where my fear and nervousness are coming from.  If I’d like to feel more secure and confident, I should pay some attention to activating my root chakra.”

In the principles of Feng Shui, the color red corresponds with fire and stimulates acceleration, passion, and transformation.

The color, to me, then, represents a “grounding” of sorts, securing roots in fertile ground so their growth can accelerate. Secure roots in fertile ground allow the seed to transform to sprout… and from sprout to blossom.

Green corresponds to the heart chakra, and while mine was in an okay zone at 25% operational, that’s a bit low, really.  Ideally, it should be at 50%.  I’ve been dealing lately with a lot of matters dealing with the heart, so the green wings in this image flutter for me, much like my heart is currently fluttering.  A Faerie doesn’t need wings to fly… the wings are an extension of magick, and for me, that’s relevant in this image.  She’s telling me that my love (regardless of how I think about it, rationalize it, try to hide it, justify it, resist it) is an extension of my magick. Not just romantic love, but the way I love – my love of children, animals, nature, life – and yes, romantic love, too.  My love is an extension of my magick and I should embrace and celebrate that aspect of myself. If I could harness that power rather than fear it, it could raise me to new heights.

Green, according to Feng Shui, inspires new growth – so it’s a suiting color for the roots I spoke of above.  The green is the fertile ground needed for planting those roots.

The white highlights in her dress remind me of purity and innocence, of cleansing and renewal.

As for the Holly in her hair, Holly is known as an herb of protection and dream magick.  Fitting, then, that I’ve placed this Faerie in a location where she can watch over me as I sleep. Holly is also representative of beauty – and beauty is one of the Fairy Oracle Cards I’d been drawing repeatedly, bringing tears to my eyes each time I saw her.  Holly guards against lightening, evil spirits, poison, can be used as protection against wild animals, is used to protect babies (by sprinkling the infant with Holly water),  is said to aid with sleep and dreaming, and even guards against evil intent of witches (protection against spells).

Aside from her colors and Holly, I’m struck by the staff she holds.  In this aspect, holding her lantern, she reminds me of the Tarot Card, The Hermit.  The Hermit is a beautiful card because while it does indicate a bit of withdrawland isolation, it’s with purpose and good intent.  The Hermit is searching for deeper meanings, higher truths, and for this true path, his Divine Self.  It’s enlightenment he seeks by drawing into his own cave.  The expression on this Faerie’s face furthers the connection with the Hermit, as she seems to be seeking something, pensive, thoughtful. I wrote a poem a long time ago called The Hermit’s Cave, and this Faerie has caused me to revisit that poem, reading it with new appreciation.

As a Yule Faerie, she is the promise of spring, she foretells the return of the Sun King and heralds the end of Winter’s freeze.  She comforts by offering a reminder that the chill and darkness of winter are nearing their end and that new life will soon spring forth.  In the meantime, she extends her lantern of hope. The seasons don’t only apply to the earth’s cycles, but internally, spiritually, personally.  I think my soul has been stuck in winter for entirely too long… it reminds me of Jack Frost, or the “fairy tales” where wicked sorcerers and sorceresses try to make winter last forever.

She reminds me that life moves in cyclical patterns – everything is part of a greater cycle, including my own personal evolution.  She asks me not to give up in times of darkness, not to be consumed by the cold – and she calls out to me, “You are not alone.”

So what is my reaction to this Faerie? Profound.

She is a light in the darkness.
She is warmth in the cold of night.
She is fertile ground for new seeds to take root.
She is inspiration.
She is protection.
She is a soother of sleep
And a bringer of dreams.
She is a promise…

She is…

Hope Eternal.

Much deeply heart-felt thanks to the friend who blessed me with this Faerie, and to Amy Brown for bringing her to light. I am touched by her magick.

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Worked a total of 13 hours yesterday.  Left the house at 7 a.m. and didn’t get home until 10 p.m. – such a long day, but a decent one.  The kids had cleaned the house while I was at work, and I walked through the door to find them holding a birthday cake.  I made a wish, blew out the candles, and we sat on the couch for about twenty minutes whoofing down cake and chatting.

I’ve got another long one today – I’m on the schedule from 11 a.m. – 8 p.m., but I’m due in an hour early to begin certification training to become a trainer at work.  Eight hour long classes, then an eight hour seminar, then a long, difficult test.  I got to thinking yesterday about an odd connection.  Each time I’ve wounded myself at work and required stitches, I was trying to advance in my job.  The first time, I was actually planning to cross train in all departments, starting with prep cook.  Once trained in all departments, I’d qualify for management positions.  When I was working as a prep cook, my hand slipped one day while I was slicing roast beef and I all but severed a portion of my thumb.  That incident took nine stitches and six weeks to recover.  When I went back to work, they wouldn’t allow me to go back into the prep cook position and I decided I no longer wanted to cross train and work towards a management position.  This time, it’s a small advancement – becoming a skill trainer, training the new employees – and it was a smaller injury, just three stitches and a week.  Maybe I’m just not meant to be trying to advance at this job? *smirks*

Looking forward to Tuesday. I’m meeting a friend at the park.  It’s been a long, long time since I’ve met a friend anywhere… and I think her suggestion of the park was perfect.  I don’t get outside enough.

Began my studies on palmistry.  I do believe it’ll come quite naturally to me once I learn the basics.  I’m using a computer program at the moment, and when I’m finished working my way through that, I’ll begin turning to the books and cross-referencing information.

Dreamed last night, but most of it has faded.  I remember going in for a massage… not just for comfort and pleasure, but for almost medical reasons – like, I’m pretty sure I remember talking about Reiki and chakra balancing and restoring my energy centers, etc. – so it was a metaphysical dream, but the details have faded.

Have had a headache for days, now.  It comes on and lasts for about two or three days, then fades out for two or three days, then comes on again.  Maybe I’m not drinking enough water.

Time is short, I’ve got the Daily Dose to do, then a few phone calls to make before shower and work.  I try to do my Tarot/Correspondence studies in the mornings and aim to do palmistry studies in the evenings after work.

I need to learn to do a better job at time management.  I’m always thinking of the things I wish I had time to do, or feeling guilty over the things I feel I should be doing and can’t. *sigh*

Nonetheless, Life is Good.


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Today is a big day for me personally.  I’m introspective, reflective, and taking inventory of the past year of my life.  What have I learned? What have I forgotten? What have I gained? What have I lost? How have I progressed? How have I regressed? Am I on the right course? How did I measure up to the challenges life brought my way during this year? Where have I fallen short in meeting life’s challenges?  What can I do to improve myself in the next year? What do I want “36” to represent in the big picture and over-all scheme of things in my life?

The day started strange.  I woke feeling a bit pinned by life.  Stress over finances and the course of my life seem to be constant companions.  I was up at about 8:30, rang Mom to let her know I was awake and getting in the shower, so we’d planned to leave for our day of errands at about 9:30 a.m. – It’s been a while since I’ve spent any time with my mother, but there are reasons — reasons I’ve neglected within myself, reasons I’ve neglected to discuss with her, and that was brought to light first thing.

When I walked next door, the first thing she did was point out to me all that she’s done to “beautify” her space.  She’s planted flowers, purchased porch decor, hung windchimes… and to be quite honest, we have very different taste.  What she considers beauty and improvement, I consider tacky and cluttered.  But, I did the right thing and smiled wide while I told her she’s done wonders with her place.  Next, she took me inside and showed me everything she’d painted, pointing out that she neglected to paint the walls behind her bed and dresser because she didn’t feel like moving them.  I chuckled.  Such is her way with everything in life.  What meets the eye is all that matters, nevermind quality or completion.  Nonetheless, I told her how warm the colors were, and how much more her place felt like a “home” rather than a manufactured structure.

Normally, I drive.  I suck as a passenger – it’s a control thing. I don’t like puting my life in the hands of others, especially if I’m not comfortable with their driving style.  However, I’m learning to release my need for control, I’m still aggravated with myself over recent speeding tickets, and figured I’d take the leisurely approach to the day and let my mother be in charge.  Before we’d even reached the end of the driveway, she started in on me in ways I don’t even know if she’s aware of.  She told me I don’t make enough of an effort to be her friend, that I don’t call her unless I need something, that I haven’t done enough to improve my own house.  That I make her feel used and unappreciated.  I almost just said, “Ya know what? Fuck it… turn around and let me out, I don’t need the shoes that bad and I can drive myself to get my stitches out.”  But, I didn’t say it… and I held my tongue.  I didn’t defend, didn’t retort, didn’t lash out.  That’s her perception of things, and she’s entitled.  When she said I didn’t spend enough time with her, I just wanted to pop off, “Well, I wonder why!” – but I knew better.  It doesn’t do me any good to remind her that she’s a heavy energy to be around.  She’s trying to be more positive, in her own weird way, and that’s what I needed to acknowledge.

Next, she started in on my paranormal experiences.  I made the mistake of sharing the event of Wednesday night with her.  I don’t know what I was thinking… just needed to talk about it I guess.  That’s who I am, that’s what I am, that’s what I do – I live on the metaphysical plane moreso than in her version of reality.  Her response: “Well, I guess that’s just one of those things I’d have to see to believe.  I mean, I believe you believe it, I don’t think you’re lying or making it up, but it’s one of those things I guess I’ll just never put stock in until I experience it for myself.”  She goes on to tell me about experiences she’s had, and how she’s sure she’d have more if she’d open herself up to them.  So I felt, off the bat, like I was put down and then discounted… the day was off to a great start.

We went to the car lot first to have her oil and air filters changed.  They said it’d be an hour, which was much longer than we’d anticipated, so we used the time browsing the lot and speaking with a salesman.  T has been under the impression that I’d be better off trading in Pixie Dust (Gasp – my Jeep?) for something with better gas mileage.  Turns out, however, that Jeep stopped making the 4 cylinder Wrangler – and although the mileage I’ve put on it is high for the two years I’ve had it, it’s actually considered good mileage since it’s under 100,000.  The salesman said I’d not find anything on the market that gets better miles than the Jeep does, and that it’s a highly sought after vehicle.  Plus, the fact that I still owe as much on it as I do would put me immediately up-side-down and much worse off if I’d tried to trade it in on anything else.  He said my best bet is to sit on it for a while, bring it up to date with maintenance to maximize the gas mileage, and be happy that I’ve got a treasure.  Good enough for me.

From the car lot, we drove to Urgent Care to get my stitches out (OW!). Everything healed properly, they slapped a bandaid on it, and out the door we went, tummies growling.  Went to the restaraunt I work at for lunch, mostly because it’s one of the few restaraunts left that allows smoking, and because I get a 20% employee discount.  By this time, I’d shaken off the way the morning started and tried to make the best of the time I had with my mother.  Lunch conversation took an interesting turn as we began talking about our Native American ancestry and how no one has bothered to document our heritage.  Mom acknowledged how absolutely Native American Stinkerbelle and I look, which made me grin because several people have been asking me lately which tribe I’m from.  I used to get asked a lot what nationality I was – people couldn’t figure out if I was Asian, Mexican, or some odd combination because I do have unique features that don’t exactly look like your all American girl next door.  But lately, it’s been specific and people naturally assume I’m Native American.  I am, in part, on maternal and paternal sides – but I don’t know how much or from where.  All I do know is that it’s Cherokee on my mother’s side, Blackfoot on my father’s side.

Then Mom brought out how much like my father I am in terms of money management and lifestyle.  My father lived by the motto that it’s better to eat lobster one night than pb and j four nights.  He’s more for comfort than practicality, and I guess I am similar.  I’m here to enjoy life, and it’s not often I buy or do things for myself – so when I do make a purchase, it’s usually a major one.  She used my iphone as an example.  She thinks I was impractical in buying it – but to me, it made perfect sense.  We needed phones, I didn’t like any other phone on the market, we eliminated the house phone to offset the cost, the service plan is more reasonable than other plans, and we’d promised ourselves a treat for having forfeited birthdays and Christmas the previous year.

On the way to the shoe store from the restaraunt, we talked about goals and dreams – how I still have them, and she doesn’t.  Even though she can’t “believe” in my magickal state of being, she doesn’t deny that that’s exactly who and what I am, and that it seems fitting I’d want to open my own magick shoppe.  We talked about the series of books I’d like to write, and how each of the articles I want to produce in my website are maximized by connecting them first on the web, then reproducing them as individual books – books that I could and would happily make available in my magick shoppe.  She talked about her writing past and how she’s decided she doesn’t have the skill, the desire to learn the skill, or the patience to submit her work for recognition.  She’s happy with what she’s produced in the past, but has no desire to pursue writing as a career as she did before.  She believes she was meant to be a singer (Super-Stah! *strikes a pose*) – a thought my grandmother planted in her many moons ago.  My grandmother was a stage mom who lived vicariously through the successes of her children, so my mother was paraded on stages and fairs from an extremely early age.  But my mother’s talents are not suited to modern expectations of super-star status, and she feels absolutely no gratification in singing karaoke, so she’s let that dream go.  We talked about my relationship with T, the newness of it, the curiosities and insecurities still attached to it, and how she no longer desires a relationship with a man.  Yet, she then invited me to a sex party the first weekend of September where “adult toys” are on display for purchase.  Okay, eeew… I do not want to think about my mother and sex toys.  However, because I DID LISTEN to what she’d said earlier in the day, I agreed to go with her.

Next stop the shoe store.  I was all business, she was all pleasure.  I needed a good, solid, comfortable pair of shoes that would last.  Working twelve hours on my feet, on concrete floors, demands good shoes.  She, on the other hand, found a new pair of sandals on sale and delighted in walking up and down and up and down the isle to make sure they fit.  It brought me back to childhood memories when she’d take us to Payless for school shoes.  I’d find a pair that I liked well enough, slip them on to make sure they fit, and then wanted to be done with it.  “Walk around in them a little bit” she’d say, “Make sure they’re comfortable when you walk.”  I hated that part… felt stupid walking up and down the row of shoes, not knowing what expression to wear on my face.  I smiled at the memory as Mom smiled her way, looking pensive and thoughtful as she strutted her stuff up and down and up and down the shoe store.

After the shoe store, the book store – she had to return a book and I had to do some purchase planning.  I owe myself some books that were gifted to me by a friend. I haven’t made any purchases yet.  I wanted to study what was on the shelves, see what was available, consider my options so that I make the wisest choice.  While Mom was returning her book and getting lost in the make believe world of romance novels, I copped a squat on the floor in the New Age section, head cocked to one side, soaking in each of the titles.  I picked up about four books on palmistry, flipping through their pages trying to decide which ones I’d learn from, and which would most likely sit on the shelf collecting dust because I didn’t connect with how they were written.  I fell in love with a set of Faerie Tarot cards – based on the same cards in the Rider/Waite deck, but with Faeries instead of the traditional images.  I’d love to replace the Rider/Waite deck with this one and use both Faerie/Fairy decks in my readings. I picked up a few books (and put them back down) on herbal magick, chakra healing, and psychic abilities, as well as a few on mayan predictions and cosmic connections. I smiled at the familiar books that I currently do have on my own bookshelf, feeling proud at how many of them seemed like “old friends”, how many of them I was able to disregard as pure poppycosh, and how few of them I felt really deserved to be on my wish list of books to own.  It didn’t even occur to me ’til after we’d left that I didn’t look for the animal magick books, astrology books, or any books on faeries. By the time it was all said and done, Mom walked out of the store with two new books, and I left empty handed but contentfully so.  I’m waiting for the insight… I could spend and endless fotune on books, but I don’t have an endless fortune, so I want to choose wisely and not shop impulsively and make sure that I end up with exactly what I’m meant to have, at the time I’m meant to have it.

After the book store, we had one more stop.  Even though I’m not a cake and pressies kind of girl, and even though I’m working 8a.m. – 8p.m. tomorrow, Mom is a cake and pressies kind of girl and insists I have a cake – if not for my own benefit, then for my children.  Spice cake mix and home-made cream cheese frosting it is, then – and she said if she doesn’t come over when I get home from work, she’ll make sure it’s here waiting when I get home.  The kids will enjoy the treat, and I’m grateful my mother is so willing and eager to insist on celebrating my existence, even if she’s not pleased with how I’m living my life.

Had no choice but to take a nap when I got home – between the errands and the energy drain, I could barely keep my body in go-mode or my eyes open, so I willingly crashed, which was probably an error in judgment as it’s now eleven p.m. and I’m nowhere near tired, yet need to get up at about 4:30 in the a.m. to enjoy a few moments with my coffee and meditations before racing out for the day.

Spent some time relaxing after the nap, getting lost in SIMS2 for a while, then shut down the game, popped in my Tarot Magic disc and proceded to do three tarot readings… one as a projection for July, a birthday reading projecting the year ahead, and then one on a specific and personal issue.  Because of how personal each of the readings were, and because of some of the things that came out in them, I’ve decided not to share them here in a public forum.  All indications are that I need to keep certain things in while letting other things out… but suffice it to say that the month as well as the year ahead are extremely powerful times of complete transformation with a heavy focus on business and personal evolution.  Long story short, play time is over and it’s time to put my money (talents and energy) where my mouth is.  I need to stop making excuses such as, “When time and energy allow…”, and I need to MAKE the time and energy to do what I know I’m supposed to be doing, yet somehow balance that with what I need to be doing in order to survive and raise my children.

So what was 35? Although my marriage was over long before any legal precedings took place, my divorce was final on my 35th birthday last year, so as of tomorrow, I’m officially legally divorced for one year. I have maintained my car payments for a year without having been late on a single one.  I saw my one year anniversary at the job – and sustained two injuries.  The first injury, I severed a portion of my thumb in the meat slicer when I was training as a prep cook.  That took nine stitches, physical therapy, a specialist, and six weeks off of work to heal.  The second was the minor mishap with a tea urn last week that only took 6 days and three stitches to heal.  I’ve managed, with help, to refurnish the whole house.  Last year at this time, I had no sofa, no coffee table, no bed – and no bedroom to put it in.  35 saw me try to buy a house and not succeed, saw me try and fail at one new relationship, and be blown away by an unexpected encounter that started a new relationship (that I’m still trying to figure out).

35 found me doing Tarot readings again after several years of letting the decks rest.  I’ve enjoyed the awakening within, and the connections formed from the practice of reading for others. 35 found me facing the first time in my adult life with my kids vacationing without me, forcing me to think in new ways and ponder a future with them grown. Milestones for my children during my 35 included my eldest child buying his first home, my middle child getting his driver’s permit, and my youngest child starting high school.

In so many ways, I’ve evolved – opened, blossomed.  Yet, in so many other ways, I’ve withdrawn, closed off, shut down.  I’m aware that I didn’t really have any goals when I was 35.  Instead, I was in survival mode and lost in change.  Everything changed.  Half of my animal family left, my kids were no longer being homeschooled, I was catapulted back into the work force and learning how to be a single parent again.  I didn’t navigate 35 at all… I was pulled along by the forces of life, thrashing and floundering.  I want 36 to be different.

36 will be the year I finally get my finances under control, once and for all.  No more accidents, no more injuries, no more forced time outs.  I want to get caught up and current, and then a step ahead.  If I’m not able to manage the online version of Enchanted Elements (my magick shoppe) by year’s end, then I at least want to have a business plan and a mental road map of what I intend to do and what I need to do to make it happen.

Now that I’m back full swing with Tarot, I’d like to add palmistry to my skills, so it’s a goal to learn to read palms this year. In fact, I’ve got a disc I’m gonna pop in and start learning from as soon as I finish this long-ass post. *smirks*

I’ve had some emotional hang ups in the past regarding friendship and love.  This year, I’m closing the book on those issues and starting with a clean slate.  Let bygones be bygones, memories be memories, and lessons learned.  I can put on a bit more emotional padding, grow a bit of a thicker skin so I don’t feel as vulnerable, but shouldn’t let the pains of the past keep me from fully experiencing all the blessings the present has to offer.

I’d like to instill some stability in the home, now, with my kids.  They, too, have been in survival mode.  They’ve lived with fear and uncertainty and the trials and tribulations of change for the past year.  Now that we’re accustomed to being a single parent family again, now that they’re adjusted to being back in public school, now that we know we’re not moving, they need to feel like they have solid ground beneath them and like they can truly depend on me to meet their needs and support their individuality and nurture their growth.  They’ve lacked confidence in my ability, righfully so, so this year I want to change that and offer them a security they’ve never had before.

I’m sticking with the new theme song I’ve found during year 35, “Incomplete” by Alanis Morissette – and yet, to shake off the old skin I’ve worn of “aspiring” to be.  I kept referring to who I wanted to become.  This year, I want to become “her”, even though “She” will always be a work in progress who is ever evolving.

It’s a new dawn in the land of Autumn Sunrise, and I’m embracing the moment (and the reigns).

Life is good.

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Not much time this morning, there’s a full day with Mom ahead.  She was heading into town anyway, so I asked if I could tag along and tackle some of my own to do’s at the same time.  We’re going to get the oil changed in her car, go to the bookstore, get my stitches taken out, grab a bite, then she’s helping me with a new pair of work shoes because mine came apart while they were on my feet at work Thursday. 

Atlas called last night.  These are the kinds of phone calls I absolutely love.  Last night was his first night in his new home – he’s bought his first house.  He was so excited and has planned things so well.  Unless he learned by example what NOT to do, he did not learn his financial management skills from his mamma! He saved up in several different accounts – one account for furniture and appliances, one account for paints and repairs, one account established for staying several months ahead on his monthly bills.  On top of that, he has a regular savings.  Bless his heart! He’s due for another promotion at work soon, so he’s moving up the ranks at the bank and is establishing an excellent work record in the financial industry.  I’m so proud of him, so happy for him that I could just burst.

Finally heard from T yesterday, and I was right. He was just super busy, and continues to be, but it was nice to hear his voice. Oddly enough, he told me about some paranormal activity he experienced Wednesday night… right around 11-11:30 p.m., which is the exact time we had our experience here on the porch. The two events aren’t connected directly, but I’m thinking something more cosmic had to be taking place Wednesday night.  Something “opened” that allowed the veils to thin and things to be seen. He asked about Rhythm’s drums and if I was going to pick them up today, and when I answered, “Oh, hell no, that’s not even a thought on my mind right now), he seemed confused.  Briefly, I explained my situation – that missing a week’s worth of work set me back about two months in a financial hole.  He offered to lend me enough to get me out of my immediate crisis, but I declined.  I appreciate his willingness to help me out of a bind, I truly do, and I think it’s incredibly sweet – but I’ve got a bit of a personal hang up with borrowing money.  I didn’t even want to ask my mom to help me with shoes today, but I’m really without an option on that one.  But I wouldn’t feel comfortable taking money from T, even with the best intentions to pay it back.  I don’t want something like that to end up changing the dynamics of what is.  Nah, I made my own mess here, I’ll clean it up. However, just the phone call made all the difference in the world to me and had me walking on sunshine for the rest of the day.

Stinkerbelle is being challenged at school already and I’m doing my best to remain calm and supportive.  One girl, one boy – those seem to be the problem.  Without the one girl and the one boy creating drama and trauma, everything would be fine.  I’m thinking of contacting the school to see if I can have her schedule swaped around… same classes, different times, just to get away from these two kids.  Then again, Stinkerbelle has to learn to resist these influences, to stand up for herself, to not allow herself to be sucked in to the games and the B.S. – so I dunno.

My dad will be here next weekend.  It’ll be his first trip here since I’ve moved here four years ago.  Not my biological father (of whom I’m sure I’ll write in the future), but my “dad”.  He married my mom when I was sixteen, and I was pregnant with Atlas.  Not long after they were married, he adopted my sister, brothers, and me.  He’s been a wonderful dad, he’s an enlightened soul and I cannot wait to have coffee with him on the front porch.

No time for a Daily Dose today, although I’m hoping to get back early enough in the evening to finish up a few things and do a reading for August, even though I’m tardy.  But it’ll be early to bed tonight as I’m due up at about 5 a.m. if I’m doing to do a Daily Dose tomorrow before being due at work by 8 a.m. –

Life is good.


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Before I go into my rant, I’d like to first say thank you to everyone who was kind enough to send well wishes and healing energy my way this week.  I haven’t yet responded to comments individually, but I will… and will be making my own blog rounds shortly.


Something completely bizarre took place this evening, and I feel like I have to write about it without giving details about it.  This is one of those things I don’t feel comfortable discussing with anyone other than my children… and since two of them were witness to the event, we did discuss it – at length, but without coming to any conclusions.

This was of a paranormal or metaphysical nature – something so out there that most people would tell me I need to have my head checked – but as I said, there were witnesses – two of them.  They didn’t see what I had seen, but they each saw something equally as paranormally profound in my reaction to what I had seen… and again, it’s not something I can go into detail about.  Seriously… I don’t feel like I can talk to my mom about it, or to T, or to any friends.

This was one of those experiences that was so hard-hitting, so real, so tangible, so “in-your-face” that I cannot deny it happened – and yet it was so paranormally powerful that it has left me absolutely stunned.

Rhythm seems to think the event is connected to my pending birthday.  He asked me just two days ago if I was ready for my birthday epiphany.  I answered flat out, “No.”  He’s been suggesting for a while now that this year would be a big year for us – on all levels – and that he senses a great big change.  We thought that was connected to the move — and tonight, all three of us wondered out loud and simultaneously if there’s a more “paranormal” purpose to our being kept right where we are.  Perhaps there’s a reason we’re not “allowed” to move into the city with neighbors so close you could reach out your window to knock on theirs… or where the city lights and smog keep the stars from shining.  At any rate, when tonight’s event took place, Rhythm wanted to connect it to my 36th birthday.  He thinks it’s a sort of “coming of age” event for me.  I’m not sure if I agree, but not sure I can disagree either.

I had a sucky week, really – which isn’t entirely common for me.  It takes a lot to pull me under the emotional waters, but no doubt, I was sunk all week.  I got lost in the world of SIMS2, a game that can be played without the use of the ring finger on my right hand – which, by the way, is still sporting stitches – but I can’t really feel it.  I took the finger brace off to go to work.  It was a ridiculous notion to think I could do my job with that thing on – so a simple bandaid did the trick and I went back to work today.  Going back to work seems to have been all that was needed to pull me out of my funk.  I had a good day at work, in spite of the fact that I consciously opted out of my Daily Dose this morning (as I have all week long).  I knew I’d get back to it, probably tomorrow, but didn’t pressure myself.  I figured that maybe I needed some time to process and digest all the information I have been given to this point and anything more would simply serve as confusion.  So, I opted out, showered, dressed, and drove happily to work.

Part of the reason I was down last week, aside from being out of work and strapped for cash (in a big way!), was that my baby, the last of the litter, the youngest of the three, my only little girl… started high school yesterday. *heavy sigh* – Yeah, as if turning 36 wasn’t enough to put me over the edge, that sure did it.  Wow… the baby is a freshman in high school. *more heavy sighs* – yeah, that’s a mind-trip right there!

Enjoyed going back to work.  Loved being out of solitary confinement. Enjoyed the interaction… drove home but never got out of the Jeep – well, long enough to get into the passenger seat so Rhythm could have a much needed driving lesson.  I let him drive us all the way into Leitchfield, all the way to walmart – the farthest he’s driven in one session.  We had a blast at walmart, as only and always we do, laughing and making jokes and razzin’ one another.  Rhythm didn’t want to drive home, so I did – and the event began about half way home.  We all became aware of something.  We even pulled over to discuss it.  Then we dropped it and drove the rest of the way home.

It was when we arrived that the paranormal punch was delivered at full strength.  We were all standing outside – looking at the stars, actually.  We talked about the number of bats that were out tonight and how weird it felt.  Then, while the kids grabbed bags of groceries, I grabbed my keys and went up onto the porch, opened the screen door, and prepared to unlock the door.  That’s when I saw what I’d seen… right there on the porch.

I gasped and jumped – that’s how real it was.  It wash’t “ghostly” or “trasparent”. I was startled, but not “scared”, if that makes sense.  Both of the kids focused their attentions on me when they heard me gasp, and that’s when they saw what they had seen (which was different from what I had seen, but they both described seeing the same thing as each other).

We quicky got the dogs out of the kennel and brought them inside, hurried in putting away the groceries, then sat around the kitchen table discussing what we’d experienced.

I know this makes no sense to anyone other than us… and it’ll make perfect sense to me when I come back to read it, which I will.  I just had to document date and time of the event — August 6, 2008 (Wednesday), around 11 p.m. Central time. Moon waxing first quarter in Libra, Sun in Leo,  Venus entered Virgo at 11:20 p.m. the night before (August 5).  I don’t know how/if that’s relavent, but I figured I’d better jot it down just in case.

Something seems to be going on with all three of us.  We’re all having more and more experiences, heightened awareness, more paranormal activity – and I don’t know if the activity itself is increasing, or if we’re just being more receptive to it.

I can’t give details… not yet, anyway – though I don’t know if I’ll ever feel comfortable discussing things of this calibur with anyone other than my kids.

Having said that, I’m calling it a day – as well I should, it’s 12:20 a.m., I worked 9 hours today, then took a three hour detour into town before being blown away.  I’ve got another long one tomorrow, then I’m off again Friday.

I should have the Daily Dose back in full swing tomorrow morning, be able to wrap up some unfinished projects I’d left in limbo (yup, I’m thinking of certain Books when I say that), and get back to my normal self by week’s end.  Stitches come out Saturday.  I turn 36 on Sunday, but I plan on working a double that day.  It’ll be interesting to see what happens, metaphysically speaking,  between now and then, especially considering Rhythm’s theory.

Wonder if I’ll dream tonight.

In spite of the weird week I’ve had, life is good.


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the universe wins … i’m on shut down mode.

injured at work – nothing major. cut my finger and cut through a blood vessel, so three stitches and a finger splint later, i’m out of commission til wednesday. obviousy, typing skills are impaired. with the exception of tomorrow’s mandatory drug test that requires me to drive into town, i’ve decided to make it an all out shut down – physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. i need a respite from life – and the universe just insisted i take it.

i’m cleared to return to work wednesday, although stitches and splint remain until next saturday. that should be interesting, to say the least. when i can again type freely and at full speed, i’ll be back. until then, i’m due for a really good power cry and a lot of medicated sleep.


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Well, I’ve been doing some thinking… and for my purposes, I’m wondering if wordpress is not the best home for my blog.  I’m accustomed to Blogspot, being able to add widgets and have a bit more control over certain elements.

I’ve been thinking a lot about expanding my site… and in order to do that, I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to move it.  The question is, do I move it as it is… or do I re-name and re-do the entire thing? I may want to give it the name I’ve seen in my head for my magick shop… and incorporate an online store of sorts. It’d be a small beginning to a big dream.


Will be thinking on this today.

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Night Cap: What a Rush!

August Rush, that is…

And it went something like this.

(One month earlier)

“Mom,” said Rhythm to me via free mobile to mobile conversation during his vacation in Vegas, “You’ve got to see this movie called August Rush.”


“Trust me. You’ll love this movie.  Trust me. You have to see it.”

“What’s it about?”

“A psychic link through music between a boy and the parents he’s searching for.”

“Sounds like I’d like it.”

“You won’t like it, Mom. You’ll love it.  It’s one of those movies.  They talk to the moon and hear each other through it. I’m telling you. You’ve got to see this movie!”




“Where are you?”

“The movie store.  What did you say that movie was called again?”

“August Rush.”

“Okay, thanks.”


“Gonna buy it.  I’m trusting you.”

“Trust me. You’ll love it!”


I picked Rhythm up at the airport, crying as I hugged him. I was beyond glad to have him home, although sad that his sister was gone on her own vacation when he arrived. Walking through the airport towards the truck, he asks, “Did you watch the movie?”

“Not yet.”

“Why not?”

“Waiting for the right time, I guess.”


My cell phone rings… it’s Stinkerbelle calling from North Carolina.


“What’s wrong, Stinkerbelle?”

“Nothing… but you have GOT to watch that movie! I just watched it with Aunt P, and Rhythm was right… you’re gonna LOVE this movie!”


July 28, 2008 –

The real world is too much pressure for me today.  Yesterday’s insanity bled over into this morning – and I’ve decided it may not be the rest of the world that’s nuts… maybe I’m just a little out of my mind.  I felt detached from myself as soon as I woke up, but didn’t know what was wrong.  I did half of a daily dose, rushed through a shower, gathered my deposit and the water bill, loved on my dog, then ran out the door.  Forgot to make my bed, so left Stinkerbelle a voice mail begging her to do it for me.  It could have remained unmade, but now that I have one, I want it made… even if I’m not home.  Weird, I know. Stopped at the water company first – quick in, quick out – and around the corner to the bank.

“I need to make a deposit, but I don’t have any deposit slips.”

“No problem, Ma’am, what’s your account number?


“Thank you, ma’am. One moment.”

The teller leaves, punches buttons on a keyboard, hits delete, punches numbers again.  Then she returns.

“Ma’am, are you sure this is the right account number?”

“What did you enter?”


“Yes, that’s correct.”

“It doesn’t seem to be working.”

“Please try again… XXXXXXX”

I stated the numbers again, dramatically, slowly… loudly.

She shakes her head.

Then it dawns on me.  I slap my forehead (no, really, I did), and burst out laughing so loud I had the whole bank’s attention.

“Forgive me, Miss. I seem to have given you my employee work number.  Maybe this one will work…”

Good Gobstoppers… what was I thinking?

I giggle myself all the way back to Pixie Dust (my Jeep) and hit the long road to work. 

Ten after ten in the a.m., so I should make it to work by… oh… 10:50-ish, clock in at eleven.  If I’m lucky, I’ll have time to swing through Micky D’s for a quick bite… STARVING! (but no speeding!)

10:15-ish, my cell phone rings.  Correction… it honks.  Old car horn… that’s the bat phone… eh hem… I mean work calling.  Ears perked, I answer.

“Hi, Wendi?”

“Yeah… what’s up?”

“We were expecting you at ten a.m. and you’re never late, always early – are you okay?”

Literally, the voice was panicked.  Still humored with myself, now moreso than ever, I reply, “I was expecting me at eleven, and yes, I’m fine.  Ten? Really? I thought eleven. I’m on my way.”

Are you freaking kidding me?  Did my mind slip out of my skull and into my pillow case while I slept?  Did the dog think it was a chew toy and carry it outside?

Now I’m late for work. Groovy. So much for breakfast!


I was on auto-pilot at work.  The basics. 

How would you like that cooked?  Do you need relish or onion with that?  What would you like for your side items?  Would you like biscuits or corn bread?  Do you like lemon with your tea? Would you like to add cheese to that? May I take your plate for you sir?

I bussed tables like a robot on steroids… loading plates, glasses, silverware, trash… as much as I could load onto one tray – fewer trips is better.  Full hands in, full hands out. Auto pilot. Went on break at two and whoofed down a big-ass fried chicken salad… ate the entire thing. Yum. Oddly enough, I’ve had the same thing every single day for the past week.

(Two hours earlier)

Female manager, “Hey, Wendi? Are you losing weight?”

I look at her through widened eyes and nod, “A little.”

“More than a little.”

“I’m not trying.”

“Well, it’s working… noticably.”

That reminds me… I really need to get new work uniforms.  When I started there last July, I wore a size six pants and a small men’s shirt.  I downgraded to size four pants and large boys’ shirts.  Now, the size fours are loose and long, and even with two new holes poked into my Tinker-Belt, they don’t fit.  What am I, the Incredibly Shrinking Woman?

It was slow, so I was released early, but it took me ’til my scheduled out-time to finish my sidework.  A quick stop at the corner store for a pack of smokes, a cup of coffee, and enough gas to make it home – and hopefully enough to get to Leitchfield tomorrow night for Back to School Night. There goes the day’s earnings, minus a few (very few) presidents to pay for a few necessities while we’re in town.

SMS: (Beep) Dog food. (Beep) Hair conditioner. (Beep) Body wash. (Beep) Toilet paper.

This is why I pay for unlimited text messages on our cell phones? *smirks*… mmmh hmmm. *nods*  It is. It’s exactly why.

As I drove home, I wondered about taking the kids shopping for school clothes.  I’ve managed to keep my bills paid so far, not counting that speeding ticket (DOH!) that’s due mid-month.  Everything hits between the first and third, though, so I have to be careful – and school starts on the fifth.  The goal is to take them shopping somewhere between the third and fifth – assuming there’s anything left after the bills are paid.  I also have a set of drums on layaway for Rhythm that need paid on… drums that match the guitar I surprised him with last week.

Thought about horses, next.  Since we can’t move and we’ve got plenty of property, and to balance out the fact that Big Brother is getting fancy guitars and schmancy drums, Stinkerbelle and I have been talking about how to make horses possible. I decided to sell my mom the piece of property her house is on… she’s been after me to sell it to her ever since I allowed her to put her mobile home there.  I’ve resisted until now (that wasn’t part of the deal!), and it’s been a sore spot between us, but since we’re staying put, it would make mom happy to own it and would give Stinkerbelle the funds needed for fencing and a structure.

Thought about aging, too.  I’m less than two weeks away from 36, and heaven help me, either the lighting in the break room bathroom is really, really bad (which it is! no, really!), or I may quite possibly have my first… (coughs) gray hair.  Nah… no way. Bad lighting it is.  No way!

When I got home, the kids met me at the door.

“How are you?”

“Glad to be home.”

“You gonna go work on your computer?”

“Nope… we’re gonna watch August Rush…. if you don’t mind seeing it again.  I’m ready… it’s time.”

I made my way to my bedroom, slipped out of Uniform and into my Tinkerbell pajammies… barefoot, hair down… the way I’m meant to be.  Ah… freedom.  And no need to set the alarm tomorrow morning as tomorrow there’s no apron, no hair clip, no tables to clear or trays to carry.

I grabbed my cup of coffee, a bowl of fruit cocktail mixed with mandarine oranges, flopped my ass on the sofa and my feet on the coffee table… and off I went into a wonderland of August Rush.

What a rush!

The kids were right… they know me well.  This may be one of my favorite movies of all time.

“Hey, Mom… didjya cry?”

I roll my eyes, “What do you think?”

They look at each other and simultaneously say, “She cried.”

If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it.

Life is good.

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It’s Monday, but it’s also my Friday.  Well, kinda.  I worked 11 hours yesterday, am scheduled for 9 today, then I have tomorrow off.  It’ll be a fairly busy one, but I’m still going to try to make time for a lazy hour or three.  Then back to work long days on Wednesday and Thursday, then off again on Friday.  I’m not a huge fan of my own schedule at the moment.

Tomorrow night is Back to School Night at the high school.  At long last, Stinkerbelle and Rhythm will be attending the same school.  This offers some relief, but could also present a few new conflicts.  She’s not going to like being watched over… not until he comes to her defense, anyway. They don’t start school until the 5th of August, but tomorrow night they’ll get their schedules, visit their classes, and meet their teachers.

Things are weird right now – and I’m guessing a lot of it has to do with the date.  Oh, not the 28th specifically, but the fact that it’s nearing the end of the month.  People tend to get… uhm… HOSTILE during the last week of the month. I don’t know if it has to do with all the bills they know are due on the first, or if it’s from running out of money before the end of the month, or if it’s some sort of cosmic/karmic thing.  But it’s there… it’s real… and it’s got hold of everybody.

Yesterday was one of those days at work where I had to fight to hold on to my own morals and values and not accidentally spill a drink in someone’s lap. I don’t necessarily mind being a server – and I’d like to think I’m pretty good at it.  I’m a nurturing soul and a care-taker, so I don’t mind at all bringing you drinks, keeping them filled, removing your dirty plates from the table and cleaning up after you… but for the love of Bat Man, do NOT snap your fingers at me.  Do not tap the edge of your glass while you roll your eyes when it’s plain to see that I’m in the middle of delivering an entire tray – a tray that’s both hot and heavy – to another table!  Do not get up from your table and come tug on my apron to get my attention when I’m taking an order at another table.  What are you thinking?  And get some common sense  — do not run my ass all over the restaraunt so you can have grape jelly, extra napkins, more free biscuits, change your mind on your drink, heat up the vegetables you let get cold while you were chomping on your meat… and then have the audacity to leave me three quarters, a dime, and a nickel as a tip on a $35.00 ticket!

I do not neglect my tables – and I check back with each one about every 3-4 minutes, so the idea of tapping a glass pisses me off.  Maybe if you didn’t suck down your ice tea like there’s no tomorrow, you wouldn’t be left with an empty glass.  Seriously… I can take drinks to a table and IMMEDIATELY take their order.  I start with person one, move to person two, on to person three, and by the time I get to person four, person one’s drink is empty and they’re looking at me like I’m inefficient.  Bite me. I have two arms and two legs… and cannot be in two places at once.  Slow down on the sweet tea, Bub.

Yesterday was just one of those days – and it didn’t stop in the dining room, but bled over into the kitchen – and worse yet, into the Manager’s office.  I do NOT need to hear a manager say to me that he feels as though his entire staff has swallowed a stupid pill.  I am not stupid.  I do not need to be told that your job is worse than babysitting toddlers.  If that’s how you think, you shouldn’t be in a management position in the first place – but at least be smart enough to keep thoughts like that to yourself. I doubt it would go over very well if my response to one of his comments was, “Yeah, I know what you mean… it’s like some of our managers came out of a cracker jack box.”  But no, I hold my tongue and bite my lip so I can continue to cling to that $2.28 per hour they’re having to fork over for my services.

I want. Bring me. Go get. — What ever happened to please and thank you? Yeah. It was one of those days.

The cooks were screaming and yelling, the managers were berating, the other servers were pushing and shoving, and the guests were rude, demanding, and cheap.  I worked eleven hours to make fifty dollars… and it cost me $20 in gas just to get there and back.

T had issues yesterday too – people all over were just confrontational.  He tried his best to handle it well, but it was clear his experiences affected his mood on a deep and grand scale.

So I’m up early, rip-roarin’ ready to go do it all again… clock in by 11 a.m., don’t clock out until after 8 p.m., then drive home to meet the demands of the house, the kids, and the dogs.  A quick trip to pay the water bill first, then dip in over at the bank for a deposit that’s much shorter than it should be…

Life is good… but people sure can suck sometimes.  I hope it was just a fluke, an odd day, and that it’ll all blow over.  Life is too short.  Use your manners, tip your servers, and remember to smile from time to time. Life is a blessing, not a curse.

Rant over.


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Not much time to linger today. In fact, in about twenty-minutes, I’ll be leaving for Nashville.  Stinkerbelle comes home today. At last, we’ll all be together, nestled in back home, with all the recent chaos, turmoil, and … uhm… what’s the word… uncertainty… behind us.  All summer we’ve been wondering if or not we’re moving, where we might move to, what school the kids would attend this year, etc. – Finally, it’s all set that we are staying put right where we are, that they’ll go to the school they’re familiar with, and we can begin to restructure the house we have — and how we function within it. I’m so relieved that the kids’ vacations are over, that school’s about to start, and that there’s been some sort of stability being restored to our day to day lives.

Had a big day yesterday.  It being the only day off I could make available for others, I spent the entire day doing Tarot Readings.  I had five scheduled, most in different locations, and ended up doing one that wasn’t planned.  They all hit their mark, were all accurate,  and they were extremely healing – not only for the people I was reading for, but for myself as well.  Something happens to me internally on spiritual/metaphysical levels when I know Universal Wisdom is being transferred through me to those who need the guidance. I benefit greatly from the firm hugs I receive after a powerful reading, when I can see and feel how deeply people are affected by the experience. I’ve got one more to do via email, which I’m hoping to have accomplished by this evening.

I’ve a lot I want to say, a few experiences I’d like to share, but now really isn’t the best time.  Nashville is 2 hours away from here on a good day, and it’s raining, so I need to allow for a little extra time.  I’m sure I’ll nap when we get back ’cause I’m exhausted… and then there’s lots to be done this afternoon before I engage in tomorrow’s twelve hour work day.

I’ll be back around later when there’s more time and energy available. Right now, I’m gonna go get my baby and bring her home!

Life is good.

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