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Archive for the ‘17. Journal’ Category

Woke up to silence this morning, with the exception of the blaring alarm.  I recognized instantly that I slept better, deeper, more solid than I had in days.  I was beginning to feel like a zombie.  No matter how tired I felt, as soon as I laid down my thoughts would kick into gear and I’d kick myself for allowing things to unfold the way they did.  I’d kick myself for offering up my heart where it wasn’t wanted (again!).  I’d kick myself for justifying the behaviors of others even when I knew those behaviors didn’t align with me. I’d berate myself for not seeing the signs – because while I may have been blind to them in the moment, they’ve all become crystal clear and keep replaying themselves for me every time I close my eyes.  Something about last night was different, though (maybe the fact that I worked fourteen hours on no sleep and minimal food!), and as soon as my head hit the pillow, with my dogs on the floor at my bedside, I crashed – and hard!

For the last two nights I’ve dreamed about babies.  In last night’s dream, the one I was having when the alarm went off, I had adopted a baby – yet had several of my own that were young, and was apparently pregnant with another.  The pregnancy seemed to be an issue and in the dream I told my mother I hoped it was a boy because I wouldn’t be able to carry a girl to term.  There’s a significance in that… a need to “give birth” to my own masculine energies, to restore life to the part of me that can function well, work hard, and succeed materially and physically in this reality.  Yet, at the same time, a warning that my more feminine energies – the soft, loving, nurturing, giving part of me may be in jeapordy.  It was in no way prophetic because I cannot get pregnant anymore, so I have to look at it for its metaphysical attributes.  Allow the masculine energies to come into my world, and heal the feminine energies that are struggling to survive.

The kids remembered to put the dogs out this morning, and the dogs were quiet in their kennel, so the house was incredibly quiet when I awoke.  A quick head rattle, a check of the time, an assessment of my day, a pot of coffee brewed, a trip to the potty… and I suddenly realized, “Hey… I feel okay!”  It’s the first morning in days that I didn’t wake up dreading the day, or life in general. 

I have a short shift at work today – 11 – 3, so it’s going to fly by.  Although the financial part of that isn’t good (especially considering the crap day I had yesterday), I’m excited knowing I’ll be home at the same time as the kids, will have the entire evening to nestle into myself and get things done – study, write, blog, finish traffic school (eye roll), and then have the whole day off tomorrow.

One of my biggest gripes for the last year has been about my Internet connection.  The satellite company I use is not only expensive, but they SUCK!  I’ve changed my internet provider, t.v. company, and am having a new home phone installed – all on Tuesday.  Taking care of business! (There’s some of that masculine energy in action!)

One of my other biggest issues has been my animals.  I used to have 15… eight cats, five dogs, and two birds.  We lost one dog to cancer while I was still married. When I went through my divorce, it became clear I had to reduce the numbers – there’s no way I could provide for my kids and the entire animal kingdom.  Difficult as it was, I had to place the cats in other homes. I still cry over that.  I still miss them.  The birds went to a pet shop where they were able to be adopted out, but we couldn’t part with the dogs.  Each of us has our own dog, our “familiar” – and then we have one dog that pretty much belongs to everyone.  I’ve done well in feeding them, bathing them, keeping their nails trimmed, having them walked – but because I was struggling so much financially, they weren’t able to go to the vet to get the care they really needed.

Sirius (pronounced Sigh-Russ, even though I know I spell it like ‘serious’), my dog, has a major skin issue – a chronic condition that has plagued him since birth.  He’s allergic to himself, essentially.  If he scratches himself, he has a reaction to the dirt in his own nails and will break out in hives.  As a result, he pulls out his own hair, scratches incessently, and bites wounds into himself.  The problem had gotten out of control and I had to make way for him to go to the vet. Three hundred dollars later, we know that he does not have mange (either kind), that he had a flea problem that was making his problem worse, and that he needs to be on perscription dog food and use perscription dog shampoo.  However, we’re not yet aware what’s causing his chronic condition.  Therefore, I have to take him back to the vet a week from Tuesday and spend another $200 having blood panels done on him… one to check his major internal organs, and one to test his thyroid.  The thyroid may be the cause, says the vet, but we’re thinking more along the lines of allergies because the problem the dog has did not exist in Vegas, a dryer climate.  It got bad in Tulsa where there was humidity, cleared up when I went back to Vegas, then re-surfaced and escalated when I moved here to Kentucky.  So, it’s more likely his problem is allergies.

So I asked the vet what we do if it is allergies.  The answer? Have more blood work done to find out what it is he’s allergic to, which could be my carpet, grass, or Ohio Valley air… anything, really.  But once we find out what he’s allergic to, they’d create a syrum, an anti-body that would supress his allergies.  Long story short, I’d have to give him allergy shots on a regular basis.

To fix the flea problem, which had grown beyond control in all the animals since they’ve been being kept outside while we’re gone, I spent another $200 on Frontline (and another brand vet recommended) to apply directly to the dogs.  Next, I went to Walmart and bought huge bags of the stuff to treat the outside… the yard.  Rhythm went out and applied the ground-cover, then watered everything down as per the instructions.  The next day, while we went out with my mom, we fogged the house.  The dogs all got baths… and that seemed to do the trick. No more fleas.  Amen!

So I’m taking them in, one dog at a time, to get current on shots, get check ups, have Bella “fixed” (she’s the only one of four that isn’t), and get them back into good health and happy living.

My Jeep needs some TLC as well – she’s flaking out on me, huffing and puffing, coughing and quitting.  She needs an oil change, new tires, and a tune up.  But, with the income I’m making and the “live creatures” needing the major attention, the Jeep is on hold.  I need to get her fixed before Winter, though, or I may be putting my own life at risk on these crazy ass country roads. Plus, now that I’m driving all over Bowling Green to meet with clients each week, I really need to maintain her better or the wear and tear will break her down even more.

I’ve been cooking more lately.  I used to cook and bake all the time.  In fact, one of my good friends used to always call me Suzy Home-Maker or Betty Crocker because that’s what I enjoyed more than anything.  But when I went back to work and the kids went back to school and life became a game of survival, that part of me waned under pressure.  I’ve gotten myself back in gear, though, and have even been looking up recipes for new things to try.  The kids are tickled with my progress – as am I, and I may begin sharing some of that “kitchen witch” reality here in my blog. 

And so, the “poor me” broken-heart syndrome begins to fade and I climb back on to my own two feet – starting over with a fresh outlook, and eager to pour my enegies into my house, my kids, my animals, my Jeep, and my spiritual passions.

I can’t help but ask myself, though, if the Universe just doesn’t want me to be loved. Well, loved romantically, that is – because I do know I’m loved in a multitude of other ways.  Is it trying to keep me isolated and alone so I’ll stay focused and on task? I feel like the Fifth Element (You know, that Bruce Willis movie) where I truly do NEED to be loved in order to thrive… and yet, it’s the one thing I can’t seem to have, or keep.

I suppose that’s a thought I’ll ponder later.  For the moment, I believe I’ll get back to the practice of drawing my Daily Dose… and I’ve got 40 minutes to do it with before I have to shower for work.

Life is good (Even when I don’t understand it).

W

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Voluntarily Blind, No more.

I thought I deleted this blog Wednesday night.  I pushed the delete button, wordpress said, “are you sure?” I replied, “Yes, I’m sure. Delete it.”  WordPress said, “If you delete it, you’ll lose everything and can’t get it back.  Are you sure you’re sure you want to delete it?”  I said yes… clicked the button, closed the screen, deleted all my bookmarks, and proceded to crawl inside myself where I’d attempt to drown myself in tears. 

I was so sure I deleted it that I told my good friend, The Princess, that I’d deleted it, and then sent Indigo an email late last night telling her it was gone… but that if she needed anything out of the archives to let me know because I’m sure I have some of it stored in folders somewhere. I got an email back from Indigo this morning saying that the blog was still up… and that, basically, the Universe had spoken.  It isn’t meant to be deleted.

But why did I attempt to delete it in the first place?  Because that’s what I do when I shut down emotionally, when I feel vulnerable, foolish, or lost.

One of the most difficult things about being a “seer” is seeing, or not seeing, into your own reality.  Truths can be there… clear as a bell, bright as day – and yet, because being a “seer” does not prevent one from living their own life experience, along with all of life’s lessons – we, like every other human on the planet, have the ability to voluntarily blind ourselves to certain truths.

Years ago I was watching Sylvia Brown on the Montel show.  I’m not a huge fan of Sylvia Brown or Montel… it was one of those idle weekdays of channel surfing and it happened to catch my attention.  Sylvia Brown said something in that show, in response to a viewer question, that has stuck with me all these years – and I paraphrase:

“If someone steels your purse, I can tell you what the thief looked like, where the purse was when it was stolen, the contents of the purse when it was stolen, the current contents of the purse, and the current location of the purse and the person who stole it.  But if someone steals my purse, I’m screwed.”

It’s easy for me to read Tarot for clients, or to glance at their palms and say what I see.  It’s not at all a challenge for me to “channel” or to feel the Universe funneling through me.  Gut instinct is right on target when I’m dealing with a client – viewing the situation from the out-side in, detatched, objective.  But even when the truths of my own life are staring me right in the face, I can acknowledge that they’re there, and then make excuses, justify, or just flat ass ignore what I’m seeing.  I tell myself time and time again that I am NOT going to make that same mistake… and then time and time again I find myself making it.

Case in point: August and September Tarot Readings for myself.  I use a computer program for my own readings so that there’s no way I can consciously or sub-consciously “cheat” in interpreting the cards.  Each month until August, I had no problem posting the results of those readings for all to see.  I had nothing to hide… I live my life like an open book… literally.  And yet, come August and then September, I made note that I had done the readings, but based on their personal nature, I was choosing not to share them publicly.  I didn’t know it then, but I was feeding myself (and you) a crock of shit and an excuse NOT to see the truth.

I wote in my hand-written journal the other day about business.  When it comes to being a “spiritualist”, I’m evolving.  I’ve garnered a substantial client base that I work with on a regular basis – so much so that I’ve had to dedicate every Friday to client appointments.  Whether it’s a tarot reading, a numerology report, or other “mystic guidance”, the demand is high, and I’m fulfilling it to the best of my ability.  For years and years (and years and years), I’ve dreamed of opening my own magick shoppe.  Not only do I want to provide access to affordable high-quality herbs, oils, crystals, candles, incense, and all the other enchantments of the magickal realm, but also to meet one on one with clients working on all sorts of aspects from numerology and astrology to chakra healing and dream works, animal totems, and much more.  As the time for that dream to become a reality grows nearer and nearer, I find myself questioning my right to practice such things.  I wrote in my diary, “How is it fair for me to offer guidance, support, encouragement, and ‘counselling’ to others when things in my own life can be so fucked up?”

The answer? Sylvia Brown’s words echo.  She can use her gift for others, but not for herself.

If I wait until I’m perfect, until there’s not a wrinkle in the fabric of my being, then I will never reach the destination.  Just because I have certain abilities or insights or training does not mean I can avoid my own life lessons, pitfalls, challenges, mishaps, trials, tribulations – or the rewards of “being” human – the same way I know I cannot use magick or cast spells to prevent any kind of life experience.

So I’ve been seeing signs since August.  Before that, really.  I saw the signs in the cards, I heard them in music, I dreamed them… and I continued to ignore them because I didn’t want them to be truth.  I tried to tell myself it was just my own insecurities and inner fears and that I should learn to be confident… but in reality, my intuition was working properly.  It all finally came to a head Wednesday night when things were said that I could not possibly ignore or justify, in spite of my greatest desires.  My reality shifted… yet again, and I found myself in the dark.

Let me repeat that last sentence in case it was misread (by me).  I FOUND MYSELF in the dark.

What it all boils down to is that T is no longer a part of my life — not in the way he has been, anyway, and I’m uncertain as of yet if he will be a part of my life at all, in any capacity from this point forward.  We have been seeing different realities the entire four months we’ve known each other. I saw a road that was open with plenty of room to evolve, grow, expand, and set out in new directions, pave new paths.  He saw a one-way road that led to no-where.  I had suspected, as is apparent by my last few posts (and the lack of posts!), but I wasn’t ready to face reality.  Now, facing reality can’t be helped and I move forward… on my own. I’ve cried my last tear.  What I thought could be a future has turned into a memory.

It certainly isn’t something I’d consider a mistake, other than my own naivity and refusal to “see” into my own circumstance.  It was a good few months, with many life lessons.  However, the fantasy is over, the book is closed, and it’s time to return to Wendiland… a better person for having had the experience.

Playtime over, it’s time to open my eyes and get back to business. The main task, though, from here, is to NOT repeat the same pattern of going voluntarily blind in the face of potential love.

Shields up and lock down.

There’s nothing wrong with being alone. In fact, the view from here is rather pleasant.

*singing* :: Ashes, Ashes… we all fall down!:::

Life is good…. and I live it with no regrets.

W

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Musical Meditations

I understand the content of this song in various contexts – it means the obvious, of course, and that resonates with me in this moment – but, it also means something deeper to me in the here and now. 

It reminds me of the Judgment Card in Tarot, a reuniting of the pieces and parts of our own soul after we’ve divided ourselves into a multitude of personas.  We “freeze frame” in certain past experiences, and those frozen images become personfications of ourselves in present time.  We carry guilt, regret, remorse, self doubt, personal failures, heart-break, pain, fear – and then we add to that the dozens of personas we create for the benefit of others.  We become the mother, the daughter, the sister, the writer, the mystic, the girlfriend, the lover, the wife, the employee – having endless variations of Self that cloud the true and unified being. 

I relate to this song in both ways today – moving forward in life alone, but moving forward in life complete, whole, and unified in my own skin.

Not As We
by Alanis Morissette

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain

Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I’m barely making sense for now
I’m faking it ’til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we

Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand

Feign brave with steel intent
little and hardly here

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
with not much making sense just yet
I’m faking it til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we

Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God’s taking bets
I pray He wants to lose

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I’m barely making sense just yet
I’m faking it til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Lyrics Source

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You’ve been warned: this is really, really long – and packed with all sorts of stuff you may or may not find interesting and/or… well… (*winks at Indigo*)… off the beaten path. What I ask you to keep in mind, should you choose to keep reading, is that this blog, these posts, are a part of my own personal journey and are being recorded for my own personal reflection, learning, and evalutaion.  I am not writing “for the reader”.  In posts like this, I could care less about my spelling, punctuation, verbage, or anything else.  The purpose here is for me to document events so I can come back to them later.  However, you’re more than welcome to join me on the journey and read along.

~*~

Have you ever seen a hungry baby gulp at a bottle so vivaciously that it actually gags and chokes? Ya gotta pull the nipple out of the mouth, tilt the baby upward, give it a pat or two on the back, and advise it to slow down? Gulp? Gasp? Cough? Yeah… that’s me right now, sucking on the nipple of life.

Oh, yeah. I went there.

My dog, Sirius, has a skin condition. I kid you not, he’s allergic to himself. No, seriously, he is – the vet said so. Anyway, he gets into these itch fits, these scratching frenzies where he gets so excited by the feel good of the itch being scratched that he hyperventilates. Gulp? Gasp? Cough? Yeah… that’s me right now, being thoroughlly scratched by the Universe in the most pleasing ways.

So I’ve been gone for a while. What’s up with that? Lots, really. Many strange things have been taking place in Wendiland, and tonight, the pieces of the puzzle are all fitting together. It feels as if I’ve finally, and quite suddenly, with much adeu, been given the key to the door I’ve been ramming my head against for the past 36 years.

Let’s pause to take note here that the number 36 is so much more HUGELY significant to me than I realized. Connecting dots… I’ve made a big deal about turning 36, right? If I remember correctly, and I was smart enough to have BLOGGED IT for RECORD!!! – I did say that this was going to be a major turning point for me – that it felt like the wallpaper of the world around me was peeling. I sensed change on a grand scale. Remember? If not, check the archives – it’s in there… in abundance, repeatedly.

Yes, I know I’m on hyper mode and typing like a spaz, but the thoughts are so hard-hitting and at such rapid speeds that my mind is having trouble organizing them and my fingers are frantically trying to articulate. Just bear with me, it’ll all make sense by the end of the post — if not to you, then it will to me, and that’s my purpose for recording it.

*takes a big, fat breath in*

Okay. Let’s digress a bit. The last time I posted was the night my dad arrived. He was here for two days and we did a lot of front porch sitting, coffee drinking, philosophising? No, that can’t be a word. Ah, hell with it, I’m keeping it. *LOL* – So we talked about deep, philosophical things. The theme seemed to be that of responsibility, transformation, coming into oneself, awareness, enlightenment, and in honoring the gifts I’ve been given (Thank you, Dad, for validating me and seeing me for who and what I am instead of what you’d hoped I’d become).

Just before Dad arrived, I wrote about a bizarre event that happened on my front porch that was so literally out of this world that I couldn’t go into detail. I noted it, moved on. Just after Dad left, more “weird” started unfolding.

Weird event #1: The Snake.
I called home one afternoon from work to check on the kids. They told me they’d just finished catching a snake inside the house. Where inside the house? MY ROOM! They studied it for a good long while as they chased it through the house trying to catch it. They got a good scope of its size, color, markings, etc. – They successfully caught it by using absolute genius coupled with a garbage can and a trash bag, and released it outside.

Contrary to what most assume of the snake thanks to the whole Adam and Eve fiasco, snakes actually represent magick and initiation. They are knowledge, ancient wisdom, and an invitation to raise the bar, so to speak, metaphysically. I was honored the snake chose to visit my room (although admitedly glad they caught it and escorted it back to its natural habitat).

Yesterday, I phoned home from work… and guess what? Same snake… inside the house, this time in my daughter’s room. They were positive it was the exact same snake. Harmless… a rat snake, but a return visit. Weird?

Weird 2: The Spider
Yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work, I noticed a rather large spider on my bedroom wall, just above my dresser where Hope Eternal (my faerie gift from Indigo) sits. I actually audibly verbalized, “Oh, hello. Okay if I take your picture?” The spider sat still while I snapped about six shots of it, flash and all, including close ups. I left the spider where it was and went to work. I mentioned it briefly to my son when I got home, but no one had seen it. This morning, it was back… higher up on the wall, more to the right. While I was at work tonight, my son spotted it and, as with the snake, escorted it back outside.

Spiders indicate creativity, writing, and weaving truths. They are goddess energy that indicate a raising of the veil, so to speak.

So the Animal Messages are coming through loud and clear, yes?

Werid 3: Energy blow-outs
Over the past three days, there’ve been some majorly weird energy fluxes going on. We’ve lost power in the house about three times – only “flashes” or “bursts” where it surges out, then pops back on – making every major and minor appliance beep like an alarm. Yesterday, my iphone completely spazzed, freezing on a pure white screen. It was out for hours before my son was able to tutor me through resetting it. And the net? Forget about it. There’s been absolutely no net connection whatsoever.

Weird 4: The doggy-sitter
Every morning, before the kids leave for school, they take all four dogs out to the kennel. This morning, my dog refused to go. I didn’t think much of it – at all, really – until I’d gotten home and my son came into my room and copped a squat on my bed. Here’s how that conversation went:

“Mom? Did anything weird happen with you last night?”

“What do you mean by weird? We are talking about me, ya know.”

“Well, did you go somewhere?”

“Uh… no. I was right here, remember? Came home from work and spent time on the numerology charts. You were here, you know I didn’t go anywhere.”

He gives me “the look”.

“That’s not what I mean, Mom. I didn’t mean physically. I mean astrally – while you were sleeping. Did something happen? Did you go somewhere?”

“Actually, now that you mention it, I think I did… but I don’t remember much. Why?”

Now here’s some background history to fill in the blanks. My dog, Sirius, one of four, sleeps in my room on the floor next to my bed. He’s my “familiar”, if you will. My guardian. However, when it’s time to go to the magick land of “outside”, or when it comes to treats, the dog doesn’t hesitate to bolt and leave me where I lie. This morning, when Rhythm came in to invite the dog out, the dog refused to go. My son tried again, with the “come on, it’ll be fun!” voice, and the dog turned his head away from my son, towards me. My son seemed to pick up on something at that point, realizing that the dog was communicating a message to him. Nonetheless, my son persisted, knowing I’d nag if the dogs weren’t put out properly, so he moved forward toward the dog to “assist” him with getting up. The dog growled.

My son looked at me, then at the dog. He tried again: “Sirius, Come!” this time using the “Or else!” voice. The dog growled.

When the dog growled the second time, according to my son, I sat half-way up in bed and in a stern voice shouted, “Sirius, go! NOW!”

Apparently, the dog and the boy looked at each other, both knowing something wasn’t right. If I am not fully awake and in a completely upright position with eyes open and requesting coffee, then whatever words come out of my mouth are NOT going to make sense.

Yes, I talk in my sleep… and it usually sounds crazy, such as me telling the kids to get the tractor out of Mammaw’s driveway. No, my mother doesn’t have a tractor. Get the drift? So for me to have been responding coherently to the situation when I was not coherent let the dog and the boy both know that something in Wendiland was amuck. (ignore my spelling, I don’t care about it right now).

Rhythm said to Sirius, “Okay, Buddy. I see your point. You have a job to do. Stay here and watch over her. I’m going to school.”

Obviously, I went on a bit of a “walk-about” in my sleep last night.

Tying it all together: Numerology

So we now know that Indigo gifted me with funds for new books weeks before my 36th birthday, and unrelated to my turning of age. Hers was a thank you gift for a Tarot reading I’d done for her. However, it wasn’t until days after my 36th birthday that I purchased the books — one of them a “surprise even for me” kind of purchase – a book on Numerology.

Well, since I couldn’t get online and fiddle-fart around with blog posts or website building, I decided to crack open that numerology book and give it a go.

Oh, hello?!

That was it… once the cover was opened, I was a changed person. It’s THAT significant. I will never again be the same. I cannot believe (wait a minute, yes I can) that I’ve gone 36 years without this information.

Now… there’s that number again: 36. Let me tell you why it turns out that is such a significant number.

Short lesson: All of life flows through the basic cycles of 1 – 9, the single digits. Infinite numbers, only 9 single digits. All 2 digit numbers (or higher) are added together and reduced to one of the nine single digits.

Example: 27

2 + 7 = 9

Example: 48

4 + 8 = 12 (and then again) 1 + 2 = 3.

Well, 36 is significant lots of times over. In the basic reduction process, 3 + 6 = 9. By turning 36, I’m completing one full cycle and getting ready to start over at 1.

This book I’m reading isn’t just numerology in general, it’s about this magnificent thing called The Divine Triangle. The theory in this book is that our life path travels a course that creates a series of squares that form themselves around a right triangle, and a cross. We enter the physical world through the top of the cross. From ages 0-9, we take a hard left and travel a straight line. At age 9, we turn downward and travel another line for 9 years. At age 18, we take a hard right, where we travel another straight line for nine years, to age 27 – and meet, for the first time in the journey, the center of our life-force. The first square is then formed.  This is the square of Youth where we learn who we are.

At age 27, we turn downward again, for another 9 years…. and then we take a sharp right at — what age? *nods* That’s right, 36.

Each of these 9 year cycles, these straight-line paths that we take, are different life lessons, part of our evolution. The first square that we create between ages 0 and 27 is the square of Youth. Then, between the ages of 27 and 54, we create the second of three squares: The Square of Power. It is here that we learn to acquire “things” and enjoy the material benefits of inhabiting earthy bodies. It is here that we establish what we are capable of – our personal power. In squre one we discover who we are; and in square two, we discover what we can do! And here I am… completing the first line in the second square, at the turning point to make the next 9 year journey.

Now I understand why people have been removed from my space. Now I understand why technology shut down. Now I understand why portals have been opening, and why information has been flooding in. I was 100% right… I am at a turning point, and CHANGE is more of a key focus than I realized… not just for this current phase I’m in, but as a lifetime attribute.

Yes, I said attribute.

I needed time to think. I needed time to study. I needed to be free from all distractions so that I could focus and really “get it”.

I hesitate to put this all in one post, especially in the sporradic and likely seemingly “crazy” way it’s all being dispursed, but I’m afraid the net connection won’t last and I won’t be able to post again, so I have no choice but to document it all at once if I want it documented at all.

Now… for the past four days, I’ve been sucking on this book, hand-writing notes like you wouldn’t believe. And I don’t just read and take notes. I’m one of those that immediately puts into practice what I’m learning. I learn quickly, and I learn by doing. That being said, I’ve been accumulating numerology charts for myself and each of my three children as “practice”. I’m gobsmacked at the results. Wow.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to post the entire six-page report I’ve already accumulated for myself. However, I do think it’s beyond important that I include the “nutshell” version.

What I’m working with here is four numbers:

Life Lesson Number (determined by birthday)
Soul Number (determined by the vowels in the name)
Outer Personality Number (determined by the consonants in the name)
Path of Destiny Number (by combining the Soul Number and Outer Personality Number, or, by using all of the letters in the name).

The name MUST be the name given at birth, so my current name wasn’t used.

I studied the number code, followed the steps for each number (doing all the long math and translations with instructions on paper each step of the way for practice and study), and wrote the definition for each of the four numbers. Next, I typed out everything… six pages worth, then “cut and pasted” those definitions (separating them from the tutorial process of finding them in the first place) into one summary…

Here’s a look at me, in a nutshell, according to the first basic steps in understanding The Divine Triangle through numerology and geometry:

Condensed Summary:

You are very conscientious in regard to duty. You are well aware of the law of the trinity, and know that inspiration and imagination will bring the best results when used to help others. This could easily become your philosophy of life. Follow your urge to create and expand the activities that interest you. You seek happiness and find it in making others happy. If a person feels depressed, a visit with you will bring them hope and courage. Expand your ideals by dedicating yourself to the expression of good cheer and optimism. Work to make your dreams come true, but not to the extreme of becoming impractical. Love is important to you – both in giving and receiving – but try to hold on to reason in your loving expansiveness. You become happy and well adjusted by making others happy.

You are an inspiration to others who see you in a refinement and an artistic genius which moves their very soul. Avant-garde art is your preference and you seem to epitomize unusual and innovative techniques. Recognition and fame may very likely be bestowed upon you because of artistic or humanitarian endeavors. You appear to be the visionary who believes in equal opportunity for all – regardless of sex, race, creed, or color. Your idealism can degenerate into egocentricity in which case your many talents are dissipated or lie fallow. Your mind then seeks unhealthy outlets for its genius which can bring notoriety. Your eyes emit a spiritual light that can inspire others to achieve their potential, as they witness what you have done. Your dress is original in style and you may design your own clothes because you have the artistic flair and inventiveness to do so, and you prefer to be different.

You appear quiet and modest and seem to need a peaceful environment in which to live. You are fussy about details; neatness and cleanliness are a must. Rather than make a big entrance, you prefer to remain in the background, working behind the scenes or in cooperation with others. You are attractive and popular with the opposite sex. This is partly due to your desire for companionship and harmony which prompts you to indulge others. You seem incomplete by yourself. You can appear to be restless and dissatisfied with conditions because of the mental balancing you perform on every situation. You may have difficulty in making decisions because both sides are so clear to you. On occasion, you can display a temper and use cutting words. You dress neatly and inconspicuously, preferring a balanced, pleasing look. You should choose easy to wear styles of clothing that reflect your more passive and artistic nature.

Many changes occur in your life, and your mission might well be to promote progress through a willingness to accept change. You are definitely not keyed to the old order or to outworn ideas and set principles. You are willing to adopt new concepts and new points of understanding, even to the extent of daring to claim the liberty to suggest new ways of doing things, and you have the ability to present the new in logical and acceptable terms. You make stepping stones of changes and cleverly turn them into growth experiences. You do not, however, forget conventions since you are really not a rebel. Instead, you propose new ideas to promote enlightenment; you have the courage and willingness to let go of the old and experiment with the new. You are very fluent and expressive with words and could find writing, lecturing, or selling the perfect outlet for these talents.

 

 

 

 

Those of you who know me do not need me to tell you how pin-pointedly accurate this is! And it pretty much jerks me right out of that self-doubt phase I’ve been in, questioning my own personality and the course I’m taking in life.

I’m sure I could have included more here, because so much has been going on – on so many levels, but I’ve been long-winded enough and it’s way past my bed-time.  I just had to record the events as they’re unfolding.

Oh, yeah… and I can’t close out without referencing the book and including the the major WENDI RECOMMENDS THIS promo for the book whose praise I’ve been singing in this entire post.

Numerology and The Divine Triangle by Faith Javane and Dusty Bunker ISBN# 0-914918-10-9

copyright 1979

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Intro: A kind and wise man once said to me: “For everything, there is a reason – whether for a lifetime, or just a season.”  As the seasons change – physically and spiritually, and as certain losses appear to be inevitable, these words echoed in my head as I drove to work in silence this morning.  Tonight, I’d gone to bed, but woke up to pen these thoughts.

 

No longer a sprout,
No more a fledgling,
The leaf reflected on her prime –
Not yet knowing
The best was now behind.

Change was in the air, she knew;
Yet, she was seemingly unaware
of the magnitude.

Unaware of underlying vibrations –
Yet, completely attuned
To the abundant beauty that is
Life and Love
On Earth.

The sky’s once pastel hues
Of soft pinks and powdery blues
Had evolved to burning embers of
Fiery orange and flaming licks of lavender.

While sky smoldered,
Earth cooled –
Breezes danced on air,
Carrying crisp scents of apple
And pumpkin spice.

“Life is good,”
Thought the Autumn Leaf.

The birds that once flourished in her presence,
The caterpillars that fed from her
Were now few and far between,
Yet she wasn’t at all lonely
Because the squirrels came out
To gather and store for a future
They were all too aware of,
Even if she was blind to their truths.

She clung to her tree,
Evaluating herself and her being –
Her place in the Universe,
Taking stock of the changes
She’d endured – and proud
Oh, so proud, of how she, too,
had evolved and flourished.

Her colors changed, she’d noticed –
A copper tone much different than
Her earlier greens – but she was open
To change and accepting of circumstance,
Happy to be a part of life,
Eager to flow with the seasons of change –
Even if that meant a few wrinkles
And dryer skin.

But the sky grew dark
And the nights became long
And she became aware.

She became aware,
But there was nothing she could do
To change the course of destiny…
To alter her existence –
She was what she was…
And what would be would be.

And then one morning,
When the air had become cold and frigid,
When the sun’s fire was extinguished by
A veil of gray clouds,
And the winds whipped
And the rains came,
She reached for the Tree,
But the tree closed its eyes,
Turning its head from her.

The vibrations of change permeated her being.
She thought she was an extension of the tree –
A part of its being, a piece to the whole,
A compliment to its existence
But the tree, knowing better, gave one final rattle,
Shaking her violently with truths
She could no longer deny.

She was, after all,
Only a leaf
amidst an Autumn Sunrise.

In spite of her efforts,
She’d been shaken loose.

On her decent, she took one final moment
To evaluate what had been, and –
In spite of herself
She’d decided
That life was indeed good

And she was still graTeful

Silently, she drifts to the ground –
Returning to earth
-dust to dust –
As Autumn unfolds
and Winter prepares
to set in
Without her.

s

 

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So my dad is here.  I got the first phone call just before I clocked in at work that he was later leaving Arkansas than he thought he’d be, and should be arriving near 7 or 8 p.m. – and at about 7:30, I got the text message from the kids… “He’s here.”

I’d traded out my station at work, forfeiting the “sure thing” money to become breaker for the night.  This meant I would “babysit” other server’s stations while they went to eat.  It was a dent in the pocketbook, for sure, but the up-side to it was that I’d have no sidework, wouldn’t have to roll silverware, and by all accounts, SHOULD have made it out of the building by 8 o’clock.  Didn’t work quite that way and it was after nine when I called home, “I’m on my way.”  It was ten o’clock when I pulled into the driveway.

I thought it was incredibly generous of my mother to allow my dad to stay with her.  They’ve been divorced for eons, but they still get along.  She even went so far as to cook him a nice dinner, bake cookies, and put on her “good clothes”.  I’m absolutely certain her sudden attempts at being the charming hostess had nothing at all to do with him, but moreso her desire to “show him” how good she’s done on her own.  Whatever.

When I went next door, Mom let me in and Dad stood up for a hug, “Here I am, Daugher”, he announced in his bellowing giant-like voice. “I made it! Isn’t this something? I am where you are!”

I could have cried.  I love the way my dad thinks.  I love his boyish nature, coupled with his incredible wisdom, all packed into yet stretched out through his 6’6” frame.  He’s such a loving soul.  Mom immediately told me she left me a buffet, so I began helping myself to the left over roast beef, mashed potatoes, and corn.  But then I noticed that every single god-blessed time I tried to speak to my dad, my mother would interrupt and assert herself in obnoxious ways.  What was that about?

I tried to tell my dad about the books I’d just gotten.   He and I share a certain love of mysticism. Mom interrupted to talk about the time years ago when they went to… “what was that place again? It was fourth of July weekend and I wore my hand-made 4th of July tee shirt, the one I wore this year on my birthday, and we went to some park… yada yada friggin’ yada.”  All this, triggered by the word “palmistry” and she wanted to talk about the one time she’d gone to get her palms read and how wrong the woman had been, telling my mother that she was well raised by her parents, and then snorted. Obviously, my mother has no appreciation whatsoever for how she was raised… or for my mysticism, apparently.

I tried to talk to my dad about what we may or may not do tomorrow, and mom shot in her opinions, “You know what you oughtta do? You should take him to that one cave place that your brother and I went to… not Mammoth cave, but … oh yeah, Onyx cave, where they have those jerodes.”

Rhythm grinned, “Geodes, Mammaw.”

“Whatever” retorts my mom, then goes on for another eternity talking about the damned rocks.

I tried to talk to my dad about his brother, she interrupted again and started talking about MY brother and all the pictures he took when he was here looking at the jerodes. (Geodes, Mammaw!… Whatever).

Dad and I were talking about maybe cruising through Brownsville and Leitchfield, and in the middle of our conversation, she brought out her laptop, stopped me in mid-sentence, shoved her computer at my dad and said, “Here, you can look through these while she’s talking” and proceded to offer instructions on how to click through the images on her computer screen.

Dad and I started chatting about wildlife – she interrupted again to talk about three turtles that show up to eat her strawberries, a baby rabbit she found in her back yard, and a tiny toad that was smaller than any frog she’d ever seen.

“Toad, Mother.”

“Whatever.”

I’d had enough.  I gave Dad a hug goodbye and told him we’d catch up in the morning – and if it suited us both fine, we’d do nothing at all ‘cept sit on the front porch drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, and talking… uninterrupted.

I love my mother… I really do, I would die for her without question – but she can drive me nuts sometimes.  I shouldn’t complain about her – especially not after she just bailed me out of trouble ten-fold with new work shoes and then that check for the land… and she does do an awful lot for my kids – but holy canoles, bat-man, the woman can drive ya out of your own head! She does make some mean-ass chocolate chip cookies, though! *smirk*

I’m not sure why she behaved that way, really – and I know she has no idea she’s doing it.  I don’t know if she was nervous, if she was just trying too hard to be a good hostess, if she had something to prove, or what – but I’m looking forward to tomorrow when I can spend some one on one time with my dad.  I haven’t seen him in over a year – and even that time was jam-packed with more than twenty family members trying to squeeze in a big visit in a few short days.

I’m off for the next two days – so I’ll have Monday and Tuesday to spend with Dad, then I return to work and he returns to Vegas on Wednesday. As for now, I’m off to bed.

Life is good.

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Well, I had every intention of coming back and posting my list of books Friday night, but this cold that got hold of me got hold me me good and I’ve been miserable beyond belief.  Haven’t done much of anything other than lay in bed and… well, READ!

Because of how I feel, I gave away half of my shift today.  I didn’t want to call in all together because that would reflect in my next eval – and since I’m getting ready to max out at four stars (takes 15 months to earn all four stars on our aprons), and since I’m in training to be a certified trainer, calling in would hurt me more than just losing a day’s pay. I was originally scheduled for an 8 a.m. – 8 p.m. shift, but I’m going in at 2 today instead of 8, thanks to a co-worker who put a note up in the break room saying she was looking for a Sunday morning shift to pick up.

Dad arrives this afternoon, too.  Not my biological father, but the one who adopted me when I was sixteen and incredibly pregnant.  My first born son’s middle name is the same as my dad – this is a man who changed the course of my life – more than once – and I have this hunch he’s about to do it again, even if indirectly or more subtly. He should get here sometime after three.  I won’t be home, but my mom is making him dinner and the kids can go next door and visit with them.  While the kids are at school tomorrow, I figure I’ll take Dad on a quick tour of Brownsville and Leitchfeild so he can get an idea of how/where we function and get things done. I’ll take him to lunch at the Feed Mill in Leitchfeild, and we’ll be home before the kids get out of school and can get some major front-porch sitting and coffee-drinking done.

I had spoken before about moving blogs, but I’ve decided against it.  What I was trying to do, I realized, was merge my magickal/business self with my magickal/personal self, and the two are meant to be separated.  So, I’ll keep on keepin’ on right here with the posts more personalized as they have been. However, I won’t be adding to the moon phase page and will probably re-do several of my categories to fit.  In the mean time, I’ve been working on building a complete website.  It won’t be ready before January (if not later), but I’m having a good time plugging in all of the pieces and parts, connecting the dots, and seeing how the dream is manifesting.

Now, as for the new books, here’s what I purchased.

The first one I picked up is called Simply Palmistry by Sasha Fenton. Several chapters in, I realize this probably wasn’t the best choice.  It’s much more superficial than I’d realized when I flipped through it, and focuses on how to size up someone’s hands to determine whether or not they’d be a good partner/mate.  While there are some things I’m definitely benefiting from reading this book, such as maps of the hand, the descriptions are short, choppy, and not “memorable”.  It feels like the information is incomplete and scattered. I don’t regret having bought the book and will probably go back later and compare it to other sources as I build my personal library, but there was probably another book on the shelf that would have been a better choice.

Book two prompted an involuntary verbal squeal from me at the book store, which in turn provoked a conversation with another woman standing in the same isle.  I hadn’t been looking for this book specifically, wasn’t sure if I’d buy any books on the subject, but when it quite literally jumped into my hand from the shelf and made me squeak,  I didn’t question it.  This book is called Faeries of the Celtic Lands by Nigel Suckling. Unlike most Faerie dictionaries or encyclopedias, or the modern approach to attracting faeries, this book travels back in time to the very beginning of Faerie Folk in Ireland.  The stories are much like that of the Egyptian pantheon, or Greek mythology, with various Faerie Gods and/or Kings taking their turns at rule. It describes various battles, the retreat of the faeries beyond the veil, and stories of how even after the separation, faeries and humans worked together on occasion (yes, through modern times).  Rather than the flower and fluff charming dictionary-encyclopedia style of most faerie books on the market, this book gives much more of a historic account based on ancient celtic writings. It can be slow reading, a bit of it difficult to digest, mostly based on the names of the people and places.  This is a book I’ll likely read more than once – not necessarily one I’ll reference often (as I do with the faerie encyclopedias/dictionaries), but to further and cement my own understanding of the history of Faerie Folk.

In Keeping with the Faeries, the next book I picked up is called Fairy Bible by Teresa Moorey. Beautifully illustrated, this is an encyclopedia of faeries, but also includes things my other books don’t that are aligned with the book above, such as naming specific Faerie Cities. Aside from the dictionary portion and the location of the fairies (spelling of that word does vary, by the way), but it also offers meditations, guides on working with the faeries, and protection against harmful fairies. I haven’t gotten too deep into the reading of this one yet, but it’s one I’ll likely keep on my night-table and read a few pages before I go to bed each night.  It’s also one that will be used often for reference in the writing of some of my own faerie articles (that likely won’t appear here, but will be saved for the other website).

Book three was a surprise to me. I had no intentions of looking for this type of book, either – but there was a “knowing” when I saw it, so I grabbed it.  Magical Herbalism by Scott Cunningham. This is one I’ll be referencing in the writing of the “Enchantmonths” series, as well as using for other purposes.  I’m a big fan of Cunningham and have several of his books on my shelf.  Although he was obviously more “Wiccan” than I am, as I avoid religion and ritual, there is much in common between his belief system and mine.  I appreciate the way he brought across his information in easy to digest, yet not elementary fashion. I didn’t have any good herb books on my shelf, so I’m glad to have started that portion of my collection with this book. In the Enchantmonths series, I list each month’s correspondences – including animals, gemstones, herbs, trees, flowers, faeries, and more.  For the new website, I’m trying to write full length articles on each of those correspondences.  For example, January lists fox, coyote, blue jay, and pheasant as animals/birds for the month.  While I mention each of those briefly in the Enchantmonths series and offer summarized versions of their magickal meanings, I want to do full length pieces on fox magick, coyote magick, blue jay magick, and pheasant magick.  The same concept carries through with herbs, gemstones, and the other correspondences.  This book not only describes what the herbs are used for and when their properties are, but it also goes into how to grow your own, how to dry and store them, and offers much more information for the magickal herbalist.

The next book was also a bit of a surprise.  Numerology and the Divine Triangle by Faith Javane and Dusty Bunker. This is one I picked up, put back down – picked up, put back down.  Talked myself out of, but went back to it.  Ultimately, it came home with me.  Understanding numerology is something I’ve wanted to do for years, but never felt the time was right.  When I was in the bookstore and saw this book, I had a “flash” about this blog, the “Know Thyself” category where I listed my numerology in basic form. I believe there’s magick in numbers… and I suppose life is telling me I’m ready to learn.  As far as I know, this is not a subject I’ll be including in the new website, but then again, the Universe may have other plans.  I plan on taking my time with this; I’m not feeling rushed or pressured to drink the book down… but I am intrigued and looking forward to expanding my awareness of numerology.

The last book makes me smile.  I don’t like the title – and I almost didn’t buy it just because of the title, but in comparrison to the other books on the shelf on the same subject, this one was an obvious keeper and the others were mostly fluff.  The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Astrology: Fourth Edition by Madeline Gerwick-Brodeur and Lisa Lenard.  I have two books on my shelf already on astrology, but they’re old, and they’re too complex for my mind.  I’m sure the information is correct and accurate, but the way it’s presented in the older books isn’t in such a way I can easily digest.  This book, however (I am NOT an idiot!) presents complex information in a simple fashion.  Moreover than understanding the specific signs of the zodiac, I’m interested in learning what it means when the planets dance, such as when Mercury enters Virgo or when Mars goes into retrograde.  For years, now, I’ve included such events as a quick mention in my daily dose posts, but then followed it by saying, “I have no idea what that means, but I’m including it here because it’s significant.”  Well, now I want to be able to understand it.  Of course, I also want the rest – understanding the zodiac signs and how the stars and planets influence us on a daily basis, but the main reason I bought this book is for its descriptions of the planetary shifts.

While it was tempting to go in and just buy every palmistry book, I knew it was time to spread myself out.  If I’d bought all palmistry books, I’d have burned out too quickly, gotten overwhelmed.  One at a time, baby steps – and by mixing up the subjects, I’m able to learn about all sorts of things simultaneously.  As I was shopping, I was thinking of the kids in school – they don’t just study one subject all day long, they have six or seven different classes… and so that’s the approach I’m taking with my own learning.  Rather than delve wholly into just one subject and submersing myself in it, I’m spreading out my interests so I can learn about several things at once.

One thing I might like to do here on this blog, as opposed to the website I’m building, is create a category called “The Book Shelf” in which I list all the books I have (with short reviews) on various subjects, followed by a list of books I’d like to have.  It’d be fun for me to be able to move the “wish list” books to the “I have” books as I increase my personal library one book at a time.  What I’d like to do, if I can manage to keep my head above water, is treat myself to one new book each month. As winter nears, I’m sure I’ll be doing much more reading.

Anyway, I’m off to do this morning’s daily dose, work on the website a little, shower, and head to work.  Not sure how active my posts will be when my dad’s here, but we’ll see.

Life is good.

W

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Walkin’ on Sunshine

Today has been one of the good days, and it’s only half done.  Although I woke up with cold symptoms and felt like kah-kah, I’d made up my mind early that I was going to take myself to the bookstore today… before the kids got home from school.  Now, I know many people may thing that’s no big feat, but to understand the magnificence of that milestone, you must know me.  I do not do things, do not go places, do not venture out alone.  I’ve always had a chaperone, companions, guides of some form or another, be it children, romantic partners, friends, my mom, etc. — I’d always wait to do anything that needed done until someone could go with me.  I’m not sure why I don’t do things on my own – for the most part, I’m a very independent, strong-willed person.  But when it comes to leaving the comfort zone of home and going out into the “real world”, I prefer to have company.

Over the course of the past several months, I’ve been thinking a lot about how life will be when the kids are grown and gone.  Rhythm and I discussed it quite a bit because he feels the need to “hand me off” to a responsible male who will look after me when he travels away to college. I was forced to think about it to a degree when each of the kids took turns going away for weeks at a time over the summer, but I had T to keep me occupied, and he did a wonderful job of “looking after me” and making sure I wasn’t going out of my mind.  But as I’ve recently become aware, people are not always “there”, and there’s going to come a point where I absolutely must learn to venture out in the world alone.  Today was my day.

I’d been given a cash gift, designated for the purchase of books.  I received this weeks ago, but reserved making purchases until I had the time to resist that “money burning a hole in my pocket” scenerio where I’d want to buy everything I saw – because when it comes to shopping, books are my weakness. Not romance books, not fantasy novels, not fiction – but books I can learn from.  I love to learn.  More specifically, I was after magick books.

I took a trip last weekend into the book store with my mom and while she took care of her business, I purused the shelves, taking mental note of what I’d want, what I could do without, and what I’d want that wasn’t in stock.  Today, I drove the 35 miles into town and made my purchases.  I spent an entire hour in one row at the book store.  I sat on the floor, head cocked sideways, reading every single title on every single shelf in the New Age section…. TWICE!  I’d pick up books and thumb through them, put them back.  I made two stacks – one of must haves, one of “like to have, but not so sure.”  Occasionally, the books shifted from one pile to the other, then back again, and so forth.  Ultimately, I made my selections and stayed within my budget.  What did I get?

I’ll come back tonight and post the titles and reasons of what I did get, as well as mention of a few things I thought of getting and didn’t, as well as notes of things I wish they had and would have got, but were not in stock.

For the moment, I’m preparing to go back out again.  Today is the day Rhythm gets his drums.

I’d received an unexpected and badly needed check the other day – a down payment from my mother for the land she’s purchasing.  That one check allowed me to pay off every single bill I owed on – all the utility bills, medical bills, credit card bills, the speeding ticket, and the registration on my vehicle, which expired at the ind of this month.  With everything paid and nothing due, I felt no guilt or shame in purchasing books and can be excited over Rhythm getting his drums today. This means that next week I can work and stash cash to get some much needed repairs for Pixie Dust, my Jeep.  She needs new tires desperately, is due for an oil change, and has been flashing her engine light at me. I should be able to take care of those tasks by month’s end, and enter September on even ground.  I’m not completely out of the woods just yet – there are still lots of basic needs that need met – but I’m close, working hard, and getting there.

Have been doing lots of thinking on business, too – the magick shoppe – but will hold my thoughts on that ’til later after I return home and Rhythm is busy beating heart out on his drums and Stinkerbelle eagerly gobbles up the books she borrowed from friends at school.

In spite of the cold and with blessings abounding today,

Life is good.

W

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Had trouble sleeping last night – in part, due to a headache, and in part, due to thoughts buzzing in my head.  I guess it was around midnight when I finally crashed – and woke myself at six-thirty yelling, “It’s the last snooze!” – HA! The kids were already gone, which meant I’d hit the snooze button at least three times, and was planning to hit it a fourth apparently when I heard myself yell.  I guess my sub-conscious mind knew that my conscious mind wasn’t responding so it yelled at me. *LOL*

Strange schedule today.  I plan to get to work by 9:45 or 10 so I can eat breakfast before the day begins.  From 10:30-11:30 I’ll squeeze in my training hour, then I’m on the clock as a server from 11:30-6 p.m. which is odd.  I’ve never seen anyone scheduled out at six.  I mean, the scheduled out times are irrelevent anyway because they don’t let ya go ’til they’re good’n ready, which is usually an hour to two hours after your scheduled out time, not including sidework.  But six?  The earliest out-time I’ve seen scheduled during the last year is seven p.m., so why they have be scheduled out at 6 is beyond me. Tomorrow is a similar schedule, 11-8, not counting my training hour – then off Friday and Saturday.

Next week will be really weird.  My dad is coming to town… his first trip here in the four years I’ve been here.  He’ll be here Sunday night, so I put in a request for Monday off, in exchange for Friday.  Dad plans to be here through Tuesday afternoon, and I’m off that Tuesday – and then it’ll be back to work for Wed, Thur, Fri. I’m looking forward to seeing my dad.  There’ll be a whole lot of front porch sitting, coffee drinking, and philosophical chats. Oddly enough, he’ll be my mother’s house-guest while he’s here since I have no spare rooms or beds.  It’ll do Mom good to have the company!

I’m aware that I’ve allowed Monkey Mind to run wild lately, and I’m focusing this morning on puting the little beast back on his leash. I forget, sometimes, that there’s more to life than fear, worry, debt, exhaustion, trials, and tribulations.  I get caught up in the chaos, sucked into the whirlwind – and I forget to separate from Self, to step out of my skin and be the observer.  When I can successfully do that, pull away from the physical self and watch my own behavior from the outside looking in, then I can see how much more difficult I make things for myself. I can see myself behaving in ways that I wouldn’t tolerate from others.  I’m looking forward to going on auto-pilot today… staying busy, doing my job, earning what there is to earn, and am hoping to do some more studies when I get home.  I’m anxious to get the palmistry to the next level since all I’ve worked through so far is the instroduction on the disc.  It was a healthy introduction – covered history and basics, but there’s so much more – and I’m eager to learn.

And with that, I’m off to do the Daily Dose, hit the shower, and get the day going.

Life is good!

W

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Ya know, I don’t hesitate in the least to state when things are wrong.  I have no problem bitching about my finances, crying about broken dreams, fearing the unknown, being pissed off when things don’t go the way I want, or flat out whining over how tired I am from my job.  On the same token, however, I take great pleasure in offering my thanks to the Universe when things do go right, when dreams are renewed, when the path I thought had me lost leads me to new discoveries, or when energy surges re-supply my empty wells. Today was one of those days where blessings abound, and I’m here to offer my gratitude to the Universe.

One of my on-going themes lately, unknown to me for the most part, was that of friendship.  I’ve been hurt so many times, or told I’ve been a disappointment, that I’ve learned to isolate.  I’ve worked at my job for over a year and have been invited to all sorts of occasions and get togethers – birthday parties, weddings, graduations, girl’s night out, performances – or just the casual “let’s do lunch!”.  Yet, I have never been “out” with anyone from work. (Correction: I went once, to one birthday party – for metaphysical reasons. I took T with me, dropped off a gift, stayed all of fifteen minutes, then bolted out of there. Not my scene!).  I extend my thanks for the invite, then politely decline.  No room for that in my life.  I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I don’t party – I don’t even shop! I work, I come home to my kids, I write in my blog, I study my magick, I play with my dogs, I do laundry, run errands – and when life allows, I spend what time I can with T.  That’s it… that’s all I need.  Well, that’s what I told myself, anyway… but the Universe always knows better.

I’ve mentioned a specific woman here a few times now… a woman T introduced me to when he suggested I do a tarot reading for her.  She sent me the Faerie I’d posted this morning, as well as a card and other much appreciated gifts.  We’ve communicated by email a few times – and I knew there was a connection, but I resisted.  The other day, I’d drawn the Faerie Oracle “Making New Friends” – and promptly proceded to have a temper tantrum offering excuses as to why I absolutely, positively, without a doubt could not, should not, and would not “make new friends”.  But, in spite of me, this woman emailed me and asked if I’d be interested in getting together with her before her move to a neighboring state becomes final.  Hot diggedy dog, you betchya.  I surprised myself with my own eagerness, and yet there was an inner knowing, some Universal wisdom, some divine insight that told me there’s a mutual exchange supposed to take place.  Go with it.

We agreed to meet at the park today, an excellent choice.  Before going, I took the time to finally express what the Faerie she’d sent me meant… and named the Faerie “Hope Eternal”.  On the way to the park, I knew how I should refer to her here, since I don’t use anyone’s real name except my own.  I’d been wondering for a while what to call her, but nothing fit – nothing felt right.  But on the way to the park, with thoughts fluttering at high speed through my frazzled mind, it became clear as day.  This new friend I’ve made is called “Indigo”. 

Indigo, meet World.  World, meet Indigo.

As an added bonus, I had the joy of meeting the youngest of her three children, who from this point forth will be dubbed Sir Lancelot in my blog. He’s a noble knight – a warrior of seven earth years, but an old soul, a charmed spirit, and – with his unique sense of optimism and patient style, is a wonderful ally for humanity to have. I’m honored to have shaken his hand (Not once, but twice!).

Sir Lancelot was extremely generous in sharing his mother’s time and energy.  Not all kids are, ya know. He asked once if he could use the restroom.  Asked once if he could have a drink of water, and was so thoughtful that he gave his mother a “head’s up”… saying he wasn’t quite ready to go yet (after three hours!), but that he would be pretty soon.  Most excellent.  He was one of the most well behaved, self-contained children I’ve ever encountered.

Indigo and I covered a whole lot of territory in those three hours… a whole lot.  I cannot possibly express how good it felt to be able to just “let go”.  I didn’t have my guard up – not in any regard or context.  I wasn’t shielded, wasn’t bashful, wasn’t nervous, wasn’t fidgety – and it dawned on me at the end of those three hours that I never once smoked a cigarette.  Never even thought about it until right before I left when someone else lit one, I smelled it, and went, “Oh, yeah… HEY!” And then smiled at myself.  It wasn’t a conscious choice not to smoke.  As much as I’d like to flatter myself by saying I was being polite, I really wasn’t… it just didn’t occur to me to reach for the pack.  I think that speaks volumes about the calm, peaceful energy that was flowing between Indigo and I. 

And to be able to speak openly about things that would have most people suggesting an appointment with a therapist and have her actually understand them, connect to them, nod, agree, contribute to the conversation, relay her own stories… and not have to explain anything or try to justify myself, or offer up the preface, “this may sound weird, but…”  No… she gets it.  She’s a lot like me – a whole lot like me, and yet different enough that I can literally feel the exchange – the give and take – the sharing of energy and knowledge and wonder and excitement.

To be honest, I feel a bit selfish.  I can only tell one side of the story – my side – and I can only relay what I know I gained.  I NEEDED this connection.  I needed re-charged.  I needed encouragement.  I needed to feel support. I needed to hear someone say (and know they meant it), “Oh, I completely understand… and no, you’re not crazy!) I realized, right now, right here in this tear-filled moment, how much I’ve been missing by not letting anyone past my barriers, in keeping myself closed off to friendships.  That’s not to say I suddenly feel an urge to go hang with the work crew – ’cause I don’t – nor does it mean I want to form an instant ya-ya scenerio with a group of people.  But I do realize the value, the power, the “magick” that can come from having like minds and kindered spirits to share life’s experiences with.

I’m sure I dominated the conversation, but not with intent – I just got so super-charged, so excited about being able to share thoughts and ideas with someone who truly understands the plane on which I exist – who can see seedling ideas, can see me biting off more than I can chew, and who can say, “Whoah… yeah, you can do it, but smaller bites.  Try this…”

She helped me put a lot of things into perspective, helped me calm some sporatic energy, helped me see things in a new light.  Or, better yet, showed me what the world looks like through Indigo eyes.

I can only hope and pray that she gained something from the experience, too – ’cause I most certainly didn’t mean to tip the scale and be all about me.

And so, with that, I raise my arms out to the Universe to give it a hug and say thank you for blessing my life with such beautiful souls today.  I am truly grateful.

Life is good.

W

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