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Archive for the ‘17. Journal’ Category

I over-slept.  It’s not often I do that — not often at all, but I sure did do it today.  I remember turning off the alarm, then giving myself caution, “You didn’t hit snooze, you turned it off.”  Then, I excused myself, told myself I’d get up, and proceded to go right back into a deep sleep.

This is the third night in a row I’ve dreamed about babies.  I’m either pregnant with them, just had them, found them (orphaned and needing cared for), or helping someone take care of theirs. I also dreamed about my little brother.  I was walking though some kind of market place, but I was looking down at my own feet, lost in my own thoughts. I bumped into someone, said sorry, and tried to move to the right – without looking up.  The person in front of me moved with me, intentionally blocking my path. I moved to the other side, the person moved.  Frustrated, I was in the process of raising my head to meet the person eye to eye as I said, “Excuse me, Sir.”  And that’s when I saw his face and squealed.”

“It’s my baby brother!” I hollered. “My brother’s here!” I scooped him up in a big hug, laughing at the moose antlers he was wearing  on his head.  Moose is one of my animal totems, the totem guarding the West, which helps with personal truths, inner answers, and the path to your goals.  Interesting that my brother’s energy wearing moose antlers BLOCKED MY PATH. 

My dad was also in the dream, but only for a split second.  He was asking me about the Jeep and whether or not I’ve had her fixed, and then said, “Make sure you take care of that little one.” And looked at my tummy.

Let’s recap – I cannot have children! I’ve had a hysterectomy, but some of the cards last week indicated new life, and the dreams are crazy full of babies.  Babies in dreams represent new energy, new beginnings, innocence, and dependency. 

Anyway, no time to go into all of that today… as soon as the uniform comes out of the dryer, I’m outta here. And mom sent me the number for her doctor, so I have to call there before I head out.

Of all days I wish I had time to do a Daily Dose, this is it.  It’s Mabon, Fall Equinox, the first day of Autumn.  It’s also the day we have our new VP in the store, so the day is bound to be high tension. Also today, the Sun shifts into Libra from Virgo, and I’m hoping that Libra energy restores a bit of balance to things in every day life.

Time to call the doc, pin the hair up, get into uniform, and head out…

Life is good.

W

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A Night Cap

Well, this turned out to be a long and semi-painful day.  It was nice not having to go in to work until two, but we were busier tonight than we have been in a long while, and although I was scheduled off at seven p.m., they kept me until nine serving tables, then ’til ten doing sidework and rolling silverware.

I’m not sure if it was all the touchy-feely going on yesterday, or if this problem is just “new” (doubtful), but it felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to my right side.  Each time I’d reach with my right hand to pick up a stack of plates, I found myself gritting my teeth and forcing a smile to hide the wince that was fighting to break free.  When I finally got to the Jeep, the bra had to go… immediately. Even that caused major irritation.  Then, when I got home, I noticed there actually is bruising – not bad, not terribly black and blue, just a bit purple-ish in some areas around my ribs.  And that knot in my upper abdomen is ever present.  Was planning to call the doctor first thing in the morning, but have been asked to go in to work early.  We’ve got a new regional vice president and he’s spending about 6 hours at our store tomorrow, so they want to over-staff and have everyone on egg shells.  I told them I’d try… but going in at 9 a.m., which means leaving the house by 7, is a bit difficult when I didn’t get home until eleven the night before.  And tomorrow was already scheduled as a 9 hour day without me going in early.  If I add two, that puts me there for eleven hours… and I’m just not sure I want to do that while my body is in a state of rebellion. So, I’ll likely opt out of going in early, will do my daily dose, see if I can get in touch with a doctor and hopefully get an appointment for Tuesday.  I really don’t want to go to the ER for something like this – nor do I want to pay the $200 ER co-pay.  I’m off Tuesday, so it’ll work out perfectly if I can get someone to see me then.

I did manage to eat today… and did more than just push my food around on my plate.  I didn’t eat a ton, mind you, but enough.  Still, I know one meal a day is not the healthy approach – and waiting ’til 6 p.m. to eat it is even worse… I just don’t seem to have much of an appetite these days. It has nothing to do with concern for my weight – I have had no desire to lose weight or “diet”. I just don’t feel hunger like I used to – and when I do feel hunger, I’ll get food, take two bites, decide I don’t feel good, and be done with it.

I’d love to stay here and unravel the rest of my thoughts… there are so many of them, but I’m pressed to fire up that stupid traffic school course and get it done with, especially since tomorrow’s such a long day and I’m hoping to be out to see the doctor on Tuesday.

Nonetheless, life is good.

W

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Coffee Thoughts – Sunday

I’m surprised I didn’t wake up terribly hung over.  It’s been so long since I’ve had any adult beverages — not that I ever had a problem with it, but I just reached a point where alcohol didn’t do anything for me, and I prefer life with a clear view.  But last night was somethin’ else and it was the only thing I could think of to help ease the pain.

I passed out cold right after I made my last entry, which I think was somewhere around ten p.m. – I woke up at about three, head-ache still in tact, with the added nausea of, “Good God, girl, how much did you drink?”  I didn’t vomit or anything, just had to sit through a few major waves of maybe.  With a double lined trash can next to me, I pulled up the traffic school course and ploughed through another hour.  If all goes as planned with no more net issues, I should be able to have that finished by tonight. I need to – not only is it stressin’ me out knowing it’s there every day, but I’m almost out of the time allotted for finishing it.  I’ll be so glad when that’s over!

Went back to bed at about four-ish and had no problem going back to sleep.  However, I did wake up twice more.  Seems the headache is worst when I lay on my left side, or have my head turned to the right (when I’m on my stomach).  At one point, I realized I was sleeping in fetal position with my right elbow pressing into my right side… and I wonder if that may be part of the problem.  Maybe it’s just tender and knotted because I’m pressing in on that spot unknowingly with my elbow while I’m sleeping.  I dunno.

It was 9:30 a.m. when I finally gave up on sleep and fetched a cup of coffee.  The headache was still present, but fading.  Now, at 10:30, it’s more of a numbness than a pain… and although it feels funky, I can handle it. It’s not overbearing or all consuming.

I know much of it is stress related, including the weight loss.  Things at work are getting pretty bad. The economy is kicking our asses – everyone’s hours have been cut and the tips are dropping drastically.  I’m usually scheduled for 37 hours or so each week, and by week’s end, clock a total of 39 or 40.  Last week, I noticed they were giving early outs, cutting the floor much earlier than usual.  On one hand, I enjoyed it because it gave me a few extra hours in the evening to get things done, but on the other hand, I was aware of how much money I was losing.  This week, they just blatantly cut the schedule and I’m only scheduled to work 28 hours.  Yeah, we’re not gonna be able to survive on that.  Not even close… especially with tips being as bad as they have been.  What’s worse is that the entire town is like that… and jobs are not readily available.  Any server position is going to be the same situation because every restaurant in town is feeling the same pressures – tips dropping and hours being cut. I’m not really trained or qualified to do anything else, so of course, the need to get my own business up and off the ground is pressing on me.  I want to do it right now…. and I’m trying to figure out a way that I can actually do it by January 1st.  I’d love to have a “grand opening” on New Year’s Day.  Getting the license won’t be the issue – it’s finding and paying for a centrally located building and then being able to meet overhead costs.  I’ll have to do some serious thinking and planning over the next few weeks before I’m able to determine if it can be done.

September is almost over, thank Heavens.  It has been much harder on me than I’d anticipated.  I seem to be fluctuating between realities – past, present, future.  Everything is still in major transition. Everything is changing.  My heart is divided and doesn’t know what it’s supposed to be doing.

I’ve a short shift today, which is different for a Sunday.  Instead of working twelve to fourteen hours, I don’t have to go in until two, and I’m scheduled out at 7.  Have to go to the market after work ’cause there’s nothing in the fridge or cupboards right now. *sigh*

Gonna go work through a Daily Dose, then take a long, hot shower.

There’s a portal right in front of me… I can feel it.  I have a feeling that within three days, things will look very different than they do right now.  Some of the blanks are about to be filled in, missing puzzle pieces are about to show up.  I can just feel it.  I don’t know what it is… but it’s something.

In spite of the pains and problems, the stress and the instability…

Life is good.

 

W

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The pain is such today that I cannot run, cannot hide, cannot paint on a pretty face to fool the world into thinking I’m fine, fine fine.  It huts… and it’s cracking me into a million pieces.

My son says he knows, tries to remind me, but in the face of this pain, I do not care from whence the source comes –  be it premotionion headache or otherwise…the fact is, the pain is bigger than I am.  And if this is some truth trying to reveal itself to me, I’d rather be blind than to feel this splitting open of my own self.

Something is wrong… and I don’t mean something small or insignificant.  Ya know, I’ve known for a while that these headaches were increasing… coming more often, more intense in depth and length.  I’ve also noticed a major loss in weight.  Anorexic? Nah… not trying, not concerned, don’t think about it.  But tonight, after weeks of avoiding truths, I stepped on my mother’s scale and could only say, “Holy shit. Really?”  From 136 to 123 in less than a month.  Ruh roh, that’s a problem.I woke up in pain.  I tried the usual – stretching, bending, rocking…. the pain increased.  I was due to go out with my mom and did not want to be a fuddy duddy stick in the mud, but for fuck sake, this pain is something else.  I went out anyway.  Looked like crap – stuck a baseball cap over unwashed hair, slipped into a pair of jeans and a tee, and called it done.  The day wasn’t so bad, nevermind the ever increasing splitting pain in my head.

When I got home, I tried to take a nap.  Sleep usually cures what bothers me… but I couldn’t sleep.  The pain was such it kept me awake.  Finally, when I’d reached my witt’s end, I called for my daugher.

“Baby girl, I will pay you… just please, please, rub some of this tension out of my shoulders and tailbone.”

We made a discovery I wish we hadn’t made.

On my right side, between my rib cage and hip bone, is an “abnormality”.  We both knew it the second she found it.  No doubt it was the source of my head ache.  It felt like displaced bone, or like a mass – from the outside. From the inside, it felt like tied nerves, knots, electrical wires gone haywire.  Without my permission, my legs kicked and body folded any time she’d touch the spot.  It’s quite clearly connected between my back and my stomach.  I have no idea what this is.

Out of concern, we agreed to call Rhythm in for his assessment.  His concern scared us both even more.

“Mom? Something’s not right. You really need to go get checked.”

Three votes unanimous, we called my mom to come over.  Stinkerbelle gave her the tour of my torso:

“First, feel this side, Mammaw.”  My daughter guided my mother’s hand over the left side of my body.  Then, my daughter says, “Now compare it to this”.

I flip over on the bed, exposing my other side, and my mother’s eyes transform from curiously confused to seriously concerned.

“Do you still have insurance?” She asks me.

“Yeah, through the ex, but I can’t afford any kind of co-pay right now.”

We all agreed, this needs to be checked out.  It’s either bone displacement or some kind of mass that has my entire upper right side in knots.  My lower left side is just as bad, from tailbone to ankle.  It’s as if my hips “slipped”{, the left side dropping, right side elevating, and every nerve between here and there being pinched.

My mom then talked about my weight, stating her concerns about how fast and how much I’ve been losing.

“I’m not trying, I promise” I say to her in all honesty.

We agreed that I’d follow mom next door to her house and get on her scale.  We were both in shock when we saw the 123 pop up on the screen.  I stepped off and back on just to make sure.

Mom poured me a glass of wine and ran a bath for me, thinking part of my problems might be stress and tension.  I soaked in a hot tub and polished the entire bottle, minus one glass that mom had, of white zinfandel.

It’s been months, if not nearly a year, since I”ve had any kind of alchoholic beverage, but I needed something to kill this pain in my head.  It’s unbearable, literally.  I could rip my own hair out.  I soaked in the tub and stretched left and right, constantly aware of the mass in my side and the pain ripping through my head.

My son reminded me: “You know what these headaches are, Mom. Something’s going on.” Still, though, the abnormality in my right side concerns him as well, and he, too, is encouraging a doctor’s visit – even though right now we’re struggling to even put food on the table.

I’m not sure if I’ll go to the doctor or not.  I do know, however, that the bubble bath worked wonders, and the tipping of the bottle has me temporarily feeling no pain.

If I wasn’t so fubared in this moment, I’d go through my archives and take note of every time I said I had one of these headaches.  They’re becoming so much more frequent. But now is not the time.  In fact, now is the time to kiss the kids goonightand pass the F out.

Something is so wrong….

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A long but fruitful day…

I slept better last night than I have in months.  There’s a sense of peace I’d been lacking, an un-filled void that, for the first time in ages, did not keep me awake last night growling with hunger pains. I felt content.  It was like the feeling of coming home after a long, painful, and treacherous journey. 

I woke in a strange place.  The fog has lifted, but the mists are still thick and I know there is much to be done before I can again see daylight… regardless of the road I choose to travel.

I drew my morning cards, but left before I was able to tie them all together with the day’s correspondences in a daily dose.  The day was strange because it started out booked solid, then two appointments cancelled, but then two people called wanting to know if I could squeeze them in.

Good things came from today on many levels.  First, I was able to secure two standing weekly appointments.  One client I had done a reading for before, her first one.  During my learning process with numerology, I offered her a numerology report which she received with much gratitude.  I’ve had her booked for this appointment for a few weeks, and there were specific things this time that she wanted to look at more closely.

When I do the first reading for a client, I actually do ask them to release all of their own ideas or expectations.  I prefer they don’t have a single focus or a question on their mind.  Why? Because sometimes we may think we know what our issues are, but in truth, there are underlying layers that have more of a long term effect on us, layers that can actually influence what we think we may know about ourselves and our desires.  For the first reading, it’s best, in my opinion, for the Universe to decide which topics should be brought to light.  For the first-time client, it’s an introduction to me, to my personal style, to the cards I use, and to the process – so I think it’s best left “un-navigated” by preconceived ideas of what answers are sought.  However, after the first reading, I encourage the client to get more specific – especially in cases where the first reading really hits tender areas or provokes tears.  It’s surprising to the client sometimes what will trigger tears in them… and they’ll say, “Wow… I had no idea that was even in there!”  – “In there” meaning in their heart, or in their thoughts.  And by “tears”, I don’t mean painful or unhealthy tears — I mean the cleansing kind. Those are the tears that flow when someone has been repressing an issue, has been in denial about an issue, or has confused issues internally.

Anyway, this specific person had quite a few different areas she wanted to hit on, but I advised her to choose only one.  We talked for a little bit about which one should take the spotlight, or how several of the “questions” may actually be tied together.  We settled on one topic, and agreed I’d come back the following week and we could address the second issue.  She then asked how often we could do it, and I replied that it could be done as often as desired and productive, provided we weren’t asking the same question or focusing on the same topic each time.  I don’t recommend revisiting one topic more than once per month.  So, she asked if she could just have the same spot each Friday until we’d worked through some of the problems. 

The appointment right after hers went much the same way.  That client had never had a reading before, but is naturally receptive and has had several … supernatural/paranormal/magickal experiences and has had no idea what to do with them or, in some cases, how to make sense of them.  We agreed, at the client’s request and NOT my prompting, that I’d reserve that spot for weekly visits. To be honest, I hadn’t even considered standing appointments – not that I wasn’t open to the idea, it just hadn’t occured to me.  I was thinking more of a monthly thing, but for someone who is currently puzzled or facing obstacles in several categories of life (ie. love, work, health, family, location, etc.), it does make perfect sense to have more frequent visits, each one covering a different area. I’m really glad they thought of it!!

Between appointments, my phone was ringing in abundance.  More people wanting to schedule appointments.  I was beyond tickled to be filling up dates in my calendar weeks in advance.  It’s happening much more quickly than I’d anticipated, especially since I”m working strictly on a referral basis only, with no marketing or advertising at all – although I should have been prepared for it because my own readings and universal messages have all been pointing in this direction telling me to brace myself for the wave of energy that’s about to come as all my work and efforts are about to return to me.

After my scheduled appointments, I went and visited a friend of mine who is actually working very closely with me on turning this into a tangible, licenced, full-time operating business.  I may have the spiritual gifts, the learned knowledge, the wisdom that has come from years of practice, and the intuitive inclinations – but she’s got an incredible business sense and office management skills.  When I first approached her with my ideas, she was 150% supportive of my “going for it”.  But it was only a week later I approached her and asked her if she’d be interested in maybe working for me, as an office manager.  Tonight, though, it became clear that she may well be more than an employee and take on the position of partner.  We haven’t discussed all the details yet and are being careful not to run before we can walk, but we’re considering every possibility from all the angles.  Regardless of whether it’s as office manager or business partner, she’s eager to work with me and believes I’m doing what I’m meant to be doing.

All appointments and visits completed, tack on an additional hour for the drive back to my house from town, and it was 1:30 a.m. when I arrived back home.  Wow. All in all, it was about a twelve hour day.

The readings were all on target – and the clients were all very warm and receiving of what I was there to offer in the way of insights and spiritual guidance.  I drove home feeling assured that the Universe is placing me exactly where I need to be, with exactly whom I’m supposed to be with, to do exactly what it has designed for me to do.  If this continues at this pace, I’ll have to add Tuesdays to my availability… and if I can get one more day like that where I’ve got people waiting and trying to book, or booking standing appointments, that’s when it will be time to walk away from the restaraunt and burn my ugly brown aprons.

Have an event to attend with my mother tomorrow and am looking forward to it.  Her company picnic is being held at a local park and I’m going to enjoy the time outside.  It’ll be my opportunity to rejuvinate in nature’s care, yet also socialize at the same time, and spend the day with my family.

I believe Saturdays will be the days I opt not to draw my own cards or do a daily dose.  I think I need one day of just absorbing/processing/releasing. That’s not to say I won’t blog or write poetry or spit out a few coffee thoughts… but the power-packed personal meditations will be put on pause, just for that day.

There’s lots on my mind tonight… more than I could express, more than I care to express openly.  Life is changing; it’s changing fast, and I’m enjoying the process.

I’m exhausted, but in a good way – and will rest my head on my pillow tonight with peace of mind and a warm heart.

Life is good.

W

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Yesterday was one of those days that wiped me out.  As opposed to the physical exaustion of the busy days, yesterday was extremely slow at work, as have been all the days of this week.  There’s a “drain” that happens when work is slow and money is low – but pressures of life remain high and demanding.  It’s that urgency of feeling like you must do something to improve the circumstance, yet feel stuck in the circumstance you’re in.

I’ve lots to say about work today, but no time to say it – and that’s probably for the best.

I came home thinking I’d finish that stupid traffic school course, but the problems with the internet abound.  I couldn’t get the heavy program to load on my computer.  It took an eternity just to get my blog to load, but I managed that, wrote out my tired thoughts in poetic form, then went directly to bed and fell immediately to sleep without delay — a nice change from recent nights.

I dreamed about business.  I was in meetings with clients.  I dreamed of doing their numerology charts, taking prints of their palms, doing their Tarot spreads, and scheduling follow up appointments.  When the alarm went off at six this morning, I hit snooze twice because I preferred where I was to where I knew I needed to be.  The dreamworld was much more fitting of a reality than the one to which I awoke. When I woke, I thought of yesterday’s lizard – and hoped I’d been dreaming my future.

I’m in a very obvious state of transformation and I feel like I’m living life from under water.  There’s a strange resistence to everything, a slow-motion feeling – and I’m struggling to come up for gulps of air.

Today’s my Friday at the day job… one more day to push through, and I hope today stays in standing with the other Thursdays, which are generally my most financially lucrative day of the week.  I’m excited about tomorrow… my first full day of meeting with clients on my own.  I’ve got the whole day booked, so I’ll be leaving early and getting home late.  I know it will be a healing experience for me and I’m looking forward to the energy surge.

Off to do the Daily Dose, then shower and change for work.

Life is difficult… but good.

W

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Had a difficult night last night.  Was irritated because I was supposed to switch Internet companies yesterday – a bundle package with Broadband, Dish T.V. and home telephone.  The technician showed up at about noon and the first words out of his mouth when I opened the front door were, “Ya’all don’t get Broadband out here through our company.”

I ended up cancelling the whole order. There’s only one company that offers Broadband where I live, and I’ve got them… and they suck! *sigh*

Tried to lay down for a nap, but the phone kept ringing… verification calls from the cancelled order.  Really, people?  Three times you have to call just to ask, “Do you really want to cancel your order?” Ugh!

When the phone quit ringing, I tried to lay down again.  This time, the dogs went nuts.  Barking, yelping, whining… what the hell?  I yell out the window a few times, which usually quiets them down, but they kept on.  Something’s out there.  I get out of bed, slip on my son’s flip flops which were conveniently left where they don’t belong by the front door, and headed out to fetch the pups.  They ran from one side of the kennel (the inside) to the other (the outside), all attention focused on one spot.  I see Bella-Beltane in attack mode… tail wagging frantically, front legs bent with paws pinning something.  Nose to the ground, ass in the air.  Sirius doesn’t care, but Odin runs in the opposite direction as Honey dances in circles hoping Bella will share.

“What have you got, Bella? Let it go!”

I walk to Bella… it’s a turtle, tucked safely in its shell.

Turtle magick, eh? I make mental note, but don’t bother to look it up or post it.  I only envy its ability to crawl into its own shell.

Back in the house with all four dogs, I tried to finish my traffic school… ya know, the online course – but, of course, my Internet connection sucks and the course kept freezing in Lesson Two, Section Three.  I repeated the same section six times, and it kept getting stuck in the same place.  Clicked the “life support chat” icon.  Window pops up, “Hi, this is Brenda. How can I help  you?”

“Brenda, my course keeps freezing in Lesson Two, Section Three.”

No reply.

“Brenda?”

No reply.

“H E L L O!”

No reply.

Ter-friggin-riffic.

Sat at my desk staring into space for a long time.  I had tons of books I could have read, but was uninspired to read a single one.  Had two numerology reports to do, didn’t do them.  Finally, I wrote a bit of poetry (which seems to have been inspired by yesterday’s Tarot Card), then put myself to bed where I’d procede to toss and turn until the sheets, blankets, and pillows were on the floor.

Dreamed I was driving up a mountain.  The color and context of the mountain were unique.  Soft sand, the color of … darker than mocha but lighter than chocolate and a cross between gray and brown.  The sand was mesmerizing… captivating.  It held my attention.  There were stone caps on the mountain – and by stone, I mean crystal, but the color of Coca-Cola.  Light reflected from the crystal caps and I was bedazzled. Bewitched. Intrigued. It was a hypnotic effect.  Two times within the dream I nearly drove off the road.  Sirius was in the car with me, also entranced by the sand and the crystal capped mountain. It was seriously hypnotic and took my attention off the car. I had to struggle to stay focused and on the road.

At the top of the mountain was a school, and I was called to the principal’s office on account of my daughter.  She wasn’t in trouble.  On the contrary, she was being acknoweldged for outstanding behavior.  Her class had taken a field trip to a mall.  Two of her friends wanted to steal books from the bookstore.  Stinkerbelle refused.  Angry and frustrated with her “friends”, she walked away.  The two other girls got caught stealing. 

The dream flashed.  I was with my ex-husband, scouting apartments.  We were arguing and he kept telling me how expensive I was, how many sacrifices he’d made for me and my kids, and how much he didn’t want to stay in the state we were in.  I told him to leave.  He did.  The apartment he left us in was a bit run down, but had potential.  They didn’t allow pets and I was trying to figure out how I could convince the landlord otherwise, or hide my dogs, ’cause I wasn’t about to part ways with them.

The alarm went off, and I woke up with thoughts of the crystal peaks and strange colored sand, knowing that there was significance to them that I do not understand.  It reminded me a little bit of that one movie… Strange Encounters, is it?

Kids just left for school, first cup of coffee has been consumed, and I have about 2 hours and 20 minutes to do a full daily dose before I have to shower and leave for work.  Long days today and tomorrow, then a full day of readings with clients on Friday.  Company picnic with Mom on Saturday, then disgusting fourteen hour day Sunday at work, and another long one on Monday.  Sirius to the vet on Tuesday, and the cycle repeats.

Going to refill the coffee, then do the Daily Dose.

Life is good.

W

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Well, since the blog didn’t end up getting deleted, which I now know was because the “confirm” email was sent to an alternate email address I’ve not checked in eons — and since the blog has been left mostly unattended, I decided I’d spend a bit of time and energy getting her back in shape today.

Based on viewer/friend feedback, I have separated the Daily Dose categories.  The Daily Dose category now only holds posts with the full daily correspondences, as opposed to duplicating each tarot card and fairy oracle.  I’ve created individual categories for the Tarot Card of the Day and the Fairy Oracle of the day, and have also added two new features – Animal Medicine Cards, and Tao cards.

Because my “faerie tales” articles were buried beneath months of Fairy Oracle daily draws, and because I intend to write about more than just faeries, I have re-named that category, calling it Otherworldly Enchantments, and have moved the articles here, separating them from the Fairy Oracle card posts.

In going through my archives, I noticed that when I began the Daily Dose posts, I often titled the posts, “Daily Dose: Today’s Tarot” and included the date, but did NOT include the title of the card.  The same was true with the Fairy Oracles.  So, I’ve gone back and edited the titles of all of the posts in the Tarot Card and Fairy Oracle categories so that the title reflects the card drawn.  This makes it easier for seeking out specific cards, and in tracking patterns or repeat cards.

I’ve revised, retitled, and moved the “About” page.  It’s now called the “Welcome” page. This includes a brief introduction and a full tour of Autumn Sunrise: The Road Home. 

I’ve removed the animal totems from the bottom of the sidebar.  While they served a purpose for me, they were confusing to others and took up un-necessary space.  I’ve still got a full post on my personal totems and what they mean tucked within the Know Thyself and Animagick categories.

I’ve added a “Divination” category to house my writings on tarot, runes, palmistry, numerology, and other divination subjects.  The content in this category is limited as of yet, but I intend on adding to it in the near future.

It felt good to give the blog a little love today.  Now, having had a long nap and a big bowl of macaroni and cheese, it’s time for me to finish my traffic school course.

Life is good.

W

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Mamma’s Medicine

It was late when the phone rang, which usually only means one thing.  Atlas needs me.  Atlas is the eldest of my three children – and probably the one I write about least often these days — not because I’m not inspired to write about him, but because he is not an active part of my daily life.  He’s almost twenty, lives back in Vegas, and we’ve walked separate paths for about six years, now.  We went through a painful separation when he was fourteen – one that wounded us both more than either of us would realize – and yet, one that would bring us closer together, with more respect for one another than we’d have had any other way.

We have a psychic connection, much like I do with my other two children, and like they have with each other.  We’ve always spoken openly and honestly about our “being”, who and what we are, and what we feel we need, and what we need to do with our lives.  I’ve never placed any sort of religious boundaries, social expectations, or other limitations on them… other than the limitations life has placed on us all, including financial struggles through their early years. Atlas and I don’t speak every day or every week, and sometimes we may even lose a month or two without verbal contact – and yet, there is an inexplicable and undeniable connection between us.  Often times, I’ll hold the phone just before it rings, knowing he’s going to call – or, I’ll ring his phone and he’ll answer, “How did you know I needed you?”

Mamma knows.

So it was late when he called, and I could tell right off that while nothing specific was detrimentally wrong, something with him wasn’t right.  He needed to talk.  He was “stuck” in his life.  He’s overcome the financial burdens – by leaps and bounds.  In fact, he’s considering a future in being a financial advisor because not only has he done so well in making a whole lot of something out of a whole lot of nothing, but he’s also earned himself supervisor positions at the bank he’s worked at for a while.  He drives a brand new car and just bought his first house.  Finances are not his issue.  Still, he felt a bit “lost”.

He recently ended a three year relationship, which was, I believe, a wise choice.  He loved this girl, I know he did, and he did everything he could to be a good man for her.  But she was not nearly as mature as he is, couldn’t relate to him on his own level, and continued stepping in huge piles of proverbial manure that he’d have to bail her out of and clean up the mess.  But, nonetheless, he was feeling what he described as (get this!)… a void.

Mamma knows!

He knows going back isn’t the answer – always forward, never back.  He knows he made the right choice, but he can’t seem to get un-stuck from his own mental block.  He said he didn’t really feel depressed as much as he did just stuck… as if the unstoppable force met up with the immovable object. (good way to state that, son!).

Once he’d told me the symptoms, I gave my own inquiry.

“Are you reading anything?”

“Not at the moment.”

“Are you studying anything, learning new a new trade or craft?”

“No, not really.”

“Are you drawing/sketching anything?”

“No.”

“Are you attuned to music?”

“I’m bored with music.  It all sounds the same.”

“Aha! I’ve got it. You need to stimulate your brain, and at the same time, provide yourself with a creative outlet.  If you give your brain something to chew on, and your creativity a place to go, you’ll be unblocked.”

I suggested a few books.  I suggested a few art-related projects (that incorporate the design and decor of his new house, even!)

It was as if a light switched on in him.  Then, I got to be quiet and listen to him get inspired, talking about the things he can and wants and will do.  Then, we talked about relationships, and he ended up paying me one of the greatest compliments of my life.

We talked about our mysticism, about the different ways our minds work, and about how hard it is for us to find partners with whom we’re compatible.  He said, “I feel like I have to dumb myself down to talk to people and I can’t stand that.”

I understand completely.  I asked him if he’d considered dating older women since the girls his own age seem stuck in college lifestyle and don’t take things too seriously.  He’s aged beyond his years, has accomplished more than most, and is very determined to continue the upward climb in life.  He agreed, someone a little older than nineteen or twenty may be a good option for him, and then he said something that melted my heart.

“I really would like to find someone who looks at life the way you do, Mom.  You are open to life, not close-minded.  You live consciously, aware – and even though you make mistakes or get hurt, you really do try to do what’s best, right, and good — not just for yourself, but for everybody.  I want someone whose mind works the way your mind works.”

*thumps chest*

We talked a lot about relationships – what we’re prepared to put into them, and what we’d like to get out of them — because we both seem to be going through very similar events right now. Then, I said, “I actually just got done writing a poem called The Void just as you called.  Interested in hearing it?”

He actually got excited.

First, I explained to him the magickal meaning of crow – and its ability to see past, present, and future simultaneously.  Then, I read him the poem.  One led to two as I read him Autumn Leaves, and two led to three as I read him The Winds of Change.  Three led to epiphanies.  I’ll explain.

When we were talking earlier about our metaphysical tendencies and financial status, we talked about my magick shoppe – about how to go about funding it without loans, how to network, and what my ideas are for working on a referral only basis with clients, etc. – I described to him the spiritual portfolios I want to create for each client, and how the actual magickal merchandise would just be an extention of the services provided, which are the core of the company.  We also talked about the fact that my writing has always been my creative outlet, how I invested twenty years to making a career out of it, and then changed — wanting to write for myself, for my own purpose, or for specific subject matters rather than writing for the sake of being a writer.  The byline is less important.  The fame is less important.  Now, I just want to share.

Well, after I’d read him my poetry from recent experiences, he had his own advice for me!

“Your style has changed.”

“Yes, it has. It’s not the same rhyming style or rhythmic patterns I stuck to in the past.”

“It’s more natural. It’s more free-flowing. It’s more real.”

“I appreciate you seeing and saying that.”

“No… I mean think about this.  For as long as I’ve known you, which is all of my life, you have ALWAYS written your way through any personal transformation or hardship you’ve experienced.  Any life-changing episodes, you’ve written them out.”

“Yes. That’s true.”

“Okay… and what we can see if we look at your writing as a whole, instead of piece by piece, is your own personal evolution on paper… where you wrote out exactly what you were experiencing in the moment – and your various styles of writing are reflected in that.  You’ve got pain, acceptance, resistence, peace, challenge… all of it, in varying styles – like photographs of the energy of the moment of experience.”

I raise my eyebrows.  I never thought of it that way.

“Here’s what you should do.  Here’s a little project for you.  Go back through all of your writings, over all of the years.  You’ll know right away when you find your ‘transitions’ and ‘transformations’, and you’ll notice the varied styles.  Pick the very best pieces from those experiences, and for God’s sakes, don’t edit them.  Don’t you dare change one single word.  Don’t look at yesterday through the eyes of today and try to re-shape it.  It is what it is… and that’s the magick of it.  Then form them all into a collection, make multiple copies, stick a letter on the front saying what it is and why it should not be edited… keep it raw, keep it real.  It’ll be like a poetic photo album of words.”

“Great idea!”

“I’m not done.”

“My bad… go ahead.”

“Expect rejection… you know that.  My English teacher from my sophomore year, whom I just went and revisited, has several books published.  His first book, he got hundreds of rejections for.  He kept sending it and kept sending it.”

“Right, I’m aware of the process.”

“Just lemme finish.”

“K, sorry.”

“The one that finally did get accepted came with a ten-thousand dollar advance!”

“Whoah.”

“Mom?”

He must have been able to tell that I wasn’t connecting the dots he was connecting in his own head.

“Yes, Son?”

“That could be your magick shoppe right there.”

Whoah!

Two and a half hours later, having covered more topics than I can account for here, it became clear that we gave each other some pretty good medicine this evening.

Tomorrow, he’s going to the book store and the music store to feed his need for mental stimulation and a creative outlet.

Tomorrow, I’ll be re-reading all of my old poetry to see if there are enough pieces and parts of me to make a whole.  He might be onto something here…

Life is good.

W

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