Archive for the ‘17. Journal’ Category

Update and Farewell

Much has changed.  Florida was wonderful, a much needed respite from what I’d come to know as daily life.  In fact, the time away gave me exactly the time I needed to rest, recover, rejuvinate, and re-evaluate my life circumstance.  Came home and quit my job… traded it in for an office manager position so my body wouldn’t be so taxed.

As for the medical issues, I’ve gone through a wide array of tests and potential conditions, but when it was all said and done, it seems my issues are female issues – possible side-effects of the partial hysterectomy I’d had ten years ago, mis-firing ovaries, cysts, and a return of endometriosis (sp?).  There’s a possibility I’ll go in to complete the process and have both ovaries removed… but I’m not rushing into it, and there are other things that have priority.  Now that I’m not as stressed, not as physically exhausted, and have a job/schedule I’m much more pleased with, I’ve re-gained the lost weight, the headaches have ceased, and I seem to be doing much better.

The blog is going to be dormant.  I’ve lost much of my life’s work thanks to a computer crash and my own ignorance in not backing up my files.  I’m leaving this blog up for the time being — I’ll need to extract my work from it and save it in personal files; but I won’t be updating it from this point forward.  I’m going into solitary mode, a place where privacy offers comfort.

I’m grateful to all who have walked this journey with me, offering support, encouragement, and inspiring dialogue.  It’s been a wonderful experience and I’m honored to have crossed paths with truly compassionate souls.

All my best,


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Gone to Florida

Had an unbelievably bad reaction to the dye I had to drink for the cat scan. Barely made it home that morning and was violently ill the whole day. Still waiting for results from the scan, which I should have by Monday afternoon. Friends and loved ones have been coming to the rescue and making sure we have what we need. My kids have been amazing.

I’ve been invited to a wedding in Florida and a week away to rest, relax, and de-stress. Initially, Id planned not to go, but since I’m temporarily out of work anyway and will be in good company, the kids and I discussed and they encouraged me to enjoy the opportunity and unwind.

The computer will be in the shop for two full weeks… I feel a little lost without it – and yet I understand the Universe wants me to have the down time.

Leaving tonight or tomorrow morning and not exactly sure when I’m coming back – Friday, Monday, or any day in between. Will post test results as soon as I get them.

Everything is changing – changing fast. Nonetheless, life is good.


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test for Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever came back negative. It’s 6:15 am and I’m on my way in to the hospital for MRI and cat scan. Haven’t taken the computer in to be fixed yet– have to locate the paperwork first. Will post test results and updates as I get them.

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well hell

as if the universe is not toying with me enough, my only home computer crashed last night. Am posting now from the iPhone. Have cat scan and MRI thursday morning at 8:30. Out of work until then. T.V.s also on the fritz and iPhone connection is iffy. Thank heavens for good meds that keep me sleeping. Have no idea if, when, or how the laptopp will be fixed. My posts may be few and far between for a bit, but will post medical updates as they happen.


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Monday Morning

Didn’t even make it through half a shift yesterday.  Fortunately, another server was trying to pick up a shift, so I let him have mine – and then I called my mom from the break room, crying.  She advised me to go ahead and get today’s shift covered – she had a feeling I’d drive all the way down there, have the same issues, and have to drive all the way home – a major waste of gas, plus an inconvenience to my managers if they’d have to cover my shift with no notice.  I took her advice and had them cover today, but that just leaves me sitting here feeling guilty for not providing for my family.  If stress has anything to do with my current health situation, then this is NOT helping my case in the least.

I’m supposed to get test results today – and I plan on calling them every hour on the hour beginning at 9 a.m., which is about 20 minutes from now.  If this is what I’m dealing with, the Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, I mean, then I want to grab the bull by the horns and begin treatment aggressively and immediately — and if that’s not what I’m dealing with, then I want to figure out what the F is going on in my system so I can get it fixed!

The meds they have me on help to a degree – it doesn’t remove the headache all together, it just numbs it up a bit – and the muscle relaxers knock me clean out (so I can’t take those at work) – but even sitting here in my desk chair I feel like there’s a water baloon stuffed under my rib cage – I can physically feel it.  I feel it when I lay down…. I just want to know what this is and be done with it so I can return to my life.

I hate writing the whining poor me posts, but it’s all I can do at the moment.  I don’t have the energy to get into a Daily Dose, or to work on research for articles – although it’d be wonderful if I could be productive in some way while I’m not working at the restaurant.  This would be the perfect time for me to get some of my website content ready… if I could focus on anything!

I am blessed in that I’m surrounded by people who care, who would go out of their way to make sure we have what we need or to offer a bit of comfort. 

The dogs can sense that something’s wrong, and all four of them have been clinging to me for the past three days, especially Sirius.  They had been trained to stay off of my bed, but Sirius now jumps up there any time he thinks I’m headed that way – and if I do lay down, he tucks himself in to my abdomen, while Bella-Beltane tucks herself against my back.  They sandwich me.  And if one of them moves to go get a drink or a snack, the other two dogs fill in, Odin taking the abdomen, Honey taking the back.  I appreciate their healing energy and the constant love they surround me with.

I hate feeling incapacitated!


Nonetheless, life is good.


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Medical Update

Good news and bad news.  The good news is, it’s not cancer.  Blood tests came back showing everything was normal, for the most part.  No thyroid problems, no diabetes, no cancer, etc.  However, the doctor has sent my blood back to the lab for one more test.  She believes my symptoms are consistent with Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, and since I do have an odd-scarred tick bite on the artery on my neck, it’s a reasonable conclusion.  I won’t get results until Monday.

Rocky Mountain fever is caused by a tick bite – and while it does often present a rash, a rash does not always have to be present – and the lack of rash can make it difficult to diagnose.  Early symptoms include fever, sore throat, flu like symptoms (all of which I’ve had within the last three months since I got this bite), and as the condition spreads, can cause severe headaches, loss of appetite, weight loss, muscle pain, etc.

Here’s the hard part.  If untreated or not caught early enough, it can lead to kidney failure, lung failure, heart failure, and meningitis (water on the brain/spine) – and in some cases, though rare, can be fatal.  Because my kidney is currently in the condition it is, this would indicate that we did not catch the problem soon enough to treat it with simple oral antibiotics, if that is, in fact, what I have.

So, we can rule out cancer and sigh a sigh of relief – but, I’m not out of the woods just yet.  Something is causing me to drop weight drastically and my kidney to go haywire.  I won’t know until Monday whether or not we’ve found the diagnosis, or if we’ll be back at the drawing board trying to find out what’s causing this.

I spent the entire day in bed today, which sent a lot of people into a panic.  Apparently, where I’d set my cell phone, it wasn’t getting signal, so I never heard it ring and wasn’t being notified of text messages.  I awoke at 2:30 and called the doctor, and while I was on the phone, all the messages came through.  By the time I reached my son, he said he was about 20 seconds away from calling 911.  In fact, he’d already called Atlas, who tried to reach me from Vegas!  They’d also called my mother, so she was worried and trying to reach me from work.  I’m so sorry I sent everyone into a panic, yet was so grateful to realize how truly loved I am, and how carefully my loved ones are watching over me.

For now, I’m taking another dose of meds and falling back out.  Monday seems so far away.  I just want to know what it is I’m facing!

Nonetheless, life is good.


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The 48 hours have been exceded, and I’m still waiting for word from the doctor. Took the right medicine to work yesterday, but also made an executive decision not to wear a bra.  I figure with the tank top, the Oxford, and the apron on top, no one would notice, and I’d not suffer.  I was right – no one noticed. The medicine and lack of bra helped, but not 100%.  Fortunately, we had someone scheduled to come in and give us breaks at five o’clock, but no one wanted breaks, so he’d have driven to work for nothing.  I asked if he’d be interested in finishing my shift, and he was delighted — and the manager was very understanding and allowed it with no problem. Came home, took pills, passed out. Same as yesterday, woke at about ten, took another dose, passed back out and didn’t wake up ’til 8:30 this morning.  At least I’m sleeping these days, which is more than I can say for what August and the first half of September offered.

I’ve a friend at work I’ve mentioned more than once – the girl who is helping me get business off the ground.  I do believe I’ll call her Sorscha from this point forward.  She and I were talking in the break room yesterday, and she’s the one person I feel really close to that I can go “shields down” in front of.  We were talking about how I’m managing and I was really making a joke out of my situation – that I haven’t managed to go to the store and we’re out of everything.  I made the joke that the kids were using shampoo as body wash.  When I left work that afternoon, there was a card stuck in the steering wheel of the jeep that read, “Who loves ya?!”, and in the passenger seat was a grocery bag with shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and hair spray.  I cried – but it was a combination cry – the kind that makes you feel like shit for not being able to provide what needs to be provided when it’s needed, coupled with the kind that just squeezes your heart because you know you have genuinely good friends who care.  It’s not so much that I couldn’t afford to provide as much as it is that I just haven’t felt like I could go anywhere.

I cancelled all of today’s tarot readings.  Even if I could have driven from place to place, or had a central location to do readings from (which Indigo offered when she read of my situation), doing readings takes a lot of personal energy; it is a “psychic connection” even though I’m using the cards as a tool, and I just don’t feel I’ve got that extra personal energy to share today.  Everyone was very understanding and told me to let them know when I’m feeling better and they’d reschedule.

Baby girl showed me a science project when I got home last night.  Her assignment was to make a model of an atom.  She used aluminum foil, glitter-painted buttons, weed-wacker wire, and a hot glue gun.  Her results were stunning! She didn’t ask for help from anyone and worked diligently on it for days.  I’m so proud of her.  She sure does take her education seriously and she’s adjusting marvelously to high school.

Rhythm came into my room after I’d settled in bed, sat on the edge and asked, “How ya feelin?”

“Like ass,” was my reply, but I grinned and thumped his leg when I said it.  He then proceded to tell me how much money he’s earning for college by maintaining a 3.7 grade average or higher.  Our schools have a system now that each quarter that has a 3.7 or higher gpa, the student receives scholarship funds – and the higher the gpa, the more funds they receive.  Furthermore, that scholarship duplicates each year of college, so if he earns $2,000 in scholarship funds, he’ll receive $2,000 for each year of college. Being a Junior this year, he’s quite focused on his formal education — and on his dreams of studying abroad in Japan. He’ll do it, too — I know he will.

I’m in a strange place today.  My mind doesn’t feel like studying. I’ve got all these books here and until now have had such a desire to drink them down, but my head just doesn’t feel like doing it today.  It’s not because of pain, I just feel a block, like the universe is saying, “Not now, kid. Not now.”  I also don’t feel like playing SIMS2, which is totally out of character for me.  I’m a SIMS2 addict.  I’ve got three numerology reports to do, and five tarot readings to transcribe, but I’m just not in it today.  I suppose it’s meant to be a day of rest.

Will do the daily dose and see how I feel when it’s done.  I’ve not taken any meds yet, so I’m thinking perhaps when the cards are on the table, I’ll medicate and go back to bed. *shrugs*

I feel like I’m in some strange limbo.  Nonetheless, Life is good!


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