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Archive for September, 2008

The 48 hours have been exceded, and I’m still waiting for word from the doctor. Took the right medicine to work yesterday, but also made an executive decision not to wear a bra.  I figure with the tank top, the Oxford, and the apron on top, no one would notice, and I’d not suffer.  I was right – no one noticed. The medicine and lack of bra helped, but not 100%.  Fortunately, we had someone scheduled to come in and give us breaks at five o’clock, but no one wanted breaks, so he’d have driven to work for nothing.  I asked if he’d be interested in finishing my shift, and he was delighted — and the manager was very understanding and allowed it with no problem. Came home, took pills, passed out. Same as yesterday, woke at about ten, took another dose, passed back out and didn’t wake up ’til 8:30 this morning.  At least I’m sleeping these days, which is more than I can say for what August and the first half of September offered.

I’ve a friend at work I’ve mentioned more than once – the girl who is helping me get business off the ground.  I do believe I’ll call her Sorscha from this point forward.  She and I were talking in the break room yesterday, and she’s the one person I feel really close to that I can go “shields down” in front of.  We were talking about how I’m managing and I was really making a joke out of my situation – that I haven’t managed to go to the store and we’re out of everything.  I made the joke that the kids were using shampoo as body wash.  When I left work that afternoon, there was a card stuck in the steering wheel of the jeep that read, “Who loves ya?!”, and in the passenger seat was a grocery bag with shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and hair spray.  I cried – but it was a combination cry – the kind that makes you feel like shit for not being able to provide what needs to be provided when it’s needed, coupled with the kind that just squeezes your heart because you know you have genuinely good friends who care.  It’s not so much that I couldn’t afford to provide as much as it is that I just haven’t felt like I could go anywhere.

I cancelled all of today’s tarot readings.  Even if I could have driven from place to place, or had a central location to do readings from (which Indigo offered when she read of my situation), doing readings takes a lot of personal energy; it is a “psychic connection” even though I’m using the cards as a tool, and I just don’t feel I’ve got that extra personal energy to share today.  Everyone was very understanding and told me to let them know when I’m feeling better and they’d reschedule.

Baby girl showed me a science project when I got home last night.  Her assignment was to make a model of an atom.  She used aluminum foil, glitter-painted buttons, weed-wacker wire, and a hot glue gun.  Her results were stunning! She didn’t ask for help from anyone and worked diligently on it for days.  I’m so proud of her.  She sure does take her education seriously and she’s adjusting marvelously to high school.

Rhythm came into my room after I’d settled in bed, sat on the edge and asked, “How ya feelin?”

“Like ass,” was my reply, but I grinned and thumped his leg when I said it.  He then proceded to tell me how much money he’s earning for college by maintaining a 3.7 grade average or higher.  Our schools have a system now that each quarter that has a 3.7 or higher gpa, the student receives scholarship funds – and the higher the gpa, the more funds they receive.  Furthermore, that scholarship duplicates each year of college, so if he earns $2,000 in scholarship funds, he’ll receive $2,000 for each year of college. Being a Junior this year, he’s quite focused on his formal education — and on his dreams of studying abroad in Japan. He’ll do it, too — I know he will.

I’m in a strange place today.  My mind doesn’t feel like studying. I’ve got all these books here and until now have had such a desire to drink them down, but my head just doesn’t feel like doing it today.  It’s not because of pain, I just feel a block, like the universe is saying, “Not now, kid. Not now.”  I also don’t feel like playing SIMS2, which is totally out of character for me.  I’m a SIMS2 addict.  I’ve got three numerology reports to do, and five tarot readings to transcribe, but I’m just not in it today.  I suppose it’s meant to be a day of rest.

Will do the daily dose and see how I feel when it’s done.  I’ve not taken any meds yet, so I’m thinking perhaps when the cards are on the table, I’ll medicate and go back to bed. *shrugs*

I feel like I’m in some strange limbo.  Nonetheless, Life is good!

W

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I over-slept again, which is and isn’t surprising.

I wasn’t able to pull my full shift yesterday. Not only does my entire abdomen swell and “pull” while I’m working, aggravated intensley by wearing a bra, but I also took the wrong medicine to work and had nothing on hand to tame the headache.  I swear, when I was in the break room in the back of the building, I could hear a fork scrape a plate at table 214, which is in the second dining room, far right corner of the front of the building. Sounds from the dish room were piercing, and each time I walked into the front dining room, I felt like I was being bombarded by a million screaming voices.  I was in tears most of the day, with permanent crease down the center of my forehead from squinting – not from poor vision, but pain. I was scheduled to work ’til 7, they let me go at four.

I took off the bra in the jeep, which seems to have become habit, now.  It’s like tying a rubber band around a water balloon – it just puts too much pressure.  As soon as I got home, the kids tucked me into bed, brought me medicine – and that was it, I was down for the count.  Woke at ten just in time to say goodnight to the kids, take another dose of meds, finish my traffic school course (YAY! It’s done!), and then passed back out by 12:30.  It was after 8 when I woke this morning.

While I napped last night, I had several incoming calls from friends and people who are concerned.  I slept so solid I never heard the phone ring, but the voicemails were extremely touching and provided a bit of comfort when I needed it most.

I should get blood results today or tomorow. I’m hoping for today.  I just want to know what it is that I’m dealing with here. It’s hard to brace yourself for a blow when you don’t know where the blow is coming from, or aiming toward.

Will try to pull my own weight at work today and push through the whole shift. I’m scheduled for 9 hours, and Thursdays are usually my best money days.  Then, I have two days in a row that I don’t have to be Wendi the Wonder Waitress.  I do have Friday booked for readings, and I think I’d be okay there since it’s mostly sitting. My only concern is the driving, as driving seems to aggravate this thing. I may end up cancelling those appointments, which burns my ass because I’ve been working so hard to build a client base, and some of these clients are new.  On the same token, if I push myself too hard, who knows how long I’ll be out of commission.  I guess I’ll play it by ear throughout the day and make my decision by day’s end.

No time for the Daily Dose today – plus, I’m resisting it a bit, I think – but will get back to it as of tomorrow morning, provided I feel okay and don’t overlseep.

Life is good.

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So, I finally made it to the doctor.  It was about ten after five when we walked through the door at Urgent Care.  By five-thirty I had all the paperwork filled out, and then it was a waiting game.  I suppose it was somewhere around six when they called my name.  The kids gave me the inquiring eyes: “Should we come with you?”  I made bug eyes at them, which meant, “Don’t be ridiculous! Of course you’re coming!”

We get nestled into our room and the nurse begins her investigation, taking note of everything I said.  I figured it’d be a while before the doctor came in, but it was actually very quick.  I liked the doctor.  It was a young woman with a short haircut and big eyes.  She had a warm smile, and her concern for me was obvious.

Sometimes you go to the doctor and they make you feel like you’re an inconvenience, or like there’s really no reason for you to be there.  They don’t listen, they cut you off in mid-sentence, or they just treat you like you’re ignorant.  This woman was none of those things.  She listened intently to everything, asking a few questions along the way.  Then, she made me giggle with her choice of words.

“Okay, I’m just gonna look at your little belly.”

“Now I’m gonna look in your little ears.”

“I’m gonna take a peek at your little face.”

Everything was “little”.  I thought that was cute.

When it was made clear that I had a run in with cancer ten years ago, the concern was obvious.  She decided it’d be best to start out with a full blood screen, and a few x-rays.

The x-rays came first.  A much bigger, much less friendly woman came into the room and instructed me to follow her down the hall.  The room she took me to felt like a freezer, it was so cold!

“Take off your jeans, put on this gown, lay down on the table.”

I slipped out of my jeans, unfolded the paper napkin she called a gown, and then wondered… “Hmmm, does it open in the back, or in the front?” I debated for a moment, standing there shivering in my panties, then opted for opens in the front because it was my front they were x-raying, so it seemed logical.

The woman calls out to me from behind her glass window: “Are you ready?”

“Maybe.” I reply.

“Maybe?” She responds.

“Yeah. Which way is this thing supposed to open, in the back or in the front?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Well, how do most people do it?”

“Most people have it open in the back.”

I giggled.

She came out from behind her glass window and proceded to wrap and tuck my “gown” around my hips and tummy on the ice-slab she called a table.

“It doesn’t matter, Hon. You’re so tiny we could wrap this thing around you eight times and still have left overs.”

I was shivering.

She went back behind her glass wall and said, “Okay.  Take a deep breath in.  Hold it.” She makes a loud click sound, then says, “Okay, you can breathe.”

She comes back to the ice-slab, takes something out of it, and says, “Okay, we’re probably done. Just let me check this real quick. Stay put. I’ll be right back.”

While she was away, my whole body started tremmoring.  Teeth chattering.  I thought I was gonna freeze to death.

She comes back with a bit of a different expression on her face and says, “We’re gonna do one more… a little lower this time.”

I knew right away she’d found something.

She sends me back to my room and I instantly ask my son for his hoodie.

“Mom, you look ridiculous!” he says, then does an impersonation of me shivering.

“Well,” I said, half giggling, “I had to take off my pants….”

Before I could finish my statement, the boy interrupted, “That’s not part of the x-ray procedure, you know.”

The three of us cracked up.

“They found something, you know.” I said, point blank.

“How do you know?” My daughter asked.

“I can just tell. Trust me.  I don’t know what they found, but they found something.”

Everyone exchanges glances, then my son says, “Don’t worry.”  Then, he and is sister entertain me by doing goofy dances and playing music through their ipod headphones. A few minutes later, the nurse came in to draw blood.  Rhythm left the room for that part, but Stinkerbelle held my hand and let me bury my face in her shoulder.

Five minutes after that, the doctor was back.

“Well,” She starts, “If it’s okay with you, I’d like to schedule an MRI and a CAT scan – we really need to take a closer look at you, and we’re not equipped to do that here in this office.”

“Okay…” I say it, but we all understand it to be more of a question.

“Your x-ray came back showing something that I believe is your kidney.  I’m saying kidney because…” And she goes on to describe the differences between the smooth edges of the kidney vs. the jagged edges of other internal organs as they appear in x-ray, then she continues, “… but I question whether or not this could actually be your kidney.  It has to be, I think, but if it is, it’s extremely enlarged.  I mean really enlarged.”

“Okay, what causes that?” I ask.

“It could be a mass inside the kidney; but it could be that you’ve got compounding problems here, which is why I’d like to do more tests.  I’d like to make sure you don’t have any tumors or abnormal growths in your head causing your headaches, and really make certain this is your kidney I’m seeing.”

In the mean time, she’s given me two medications: a muscle relaxer and something for the headaches.  She said we should have results of the blood tests in 24-48 hours and when they call with those results, they’ll have a time and place for me to go have the MRI AND CAT scan done.  She said if I feel I can handle it, I should be able to work, but that I should listen to my body and if I feel it’s too much, then honor that and don’t go to work.  Of course I’m going.

So, I’m a bit on edge, yes.  They seem to be leaning toward thoughts of cancer.  I took both medications just as I pulled into the driveway, and it’s the first relief I’ve had from this headache in days.  The kids are concerned, but supportive and encouraging – and my mom was Johnny on the spot meeting me at the pharmacy offering to pay for my prescriptions ’cause she knew I couldn’t afford them.

So the diagnosis is incomplete, but a large mass in the kidney is what’s suspected, and they’re looking for tumors in the head.  Groovy.  In the mean time, I’ll continue to serve the beans ‘n’ greens with a smile and hold to my personal motto:

Life is good.

*big breath*

W

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Mighty Tao is all-pervading.
It is simultaneously on this side
and on that.
All living things come from it,
and all are in its care.
It works, it finishes,
and knows not the name of merit.
In love it nurtures all things,
and claims no excellence therein.
It knows neither ambition nor desire.
It can be classed with the jumblest of all things,
for all things finally revert to it,
and are not thereby increased.
Tao can be mentioned with
the greatest of things.
And the Sage
understands humility in this.

Tao is a mighty teacher, and those who learn through observing Tao grow humble in their hearts. Watch, and you will see that Tao is continually providing for everything. Tao infuses what is great and what is small with the same nurturing energy. Tao does not discriminate, nor does it forget. Tao tends carefully to everything.

Sometimes the most difficult thing to appreciate is how much creativity is brought to making your life beautiful, how much love is given to your existence. If you tend to find fault with things, relax. Let yourself be taken care of. It is sometimes too easy to want to fight or to think that things are against you. Fighting makes you feel separate and powerful. It distracts you from feeling loved.

Approach Tao with humiity, and you will see that life is complete and undivided. Move toward Tao and you move towards perfect balance. Contemplate Tao and you become one with all of existence.

Source: The Tao Box, Adapted and Interpreted by Priya Hemenway

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So I’m just sitting here plugging along at my daily dose, pondering the messages coming through, trying not to worry about the day ahead, knowing full well that I’ve lingered so long in my own thoughts that finishing traffic school or typing reports is not going to happen before I head to town to visit the doctor.  Just as I’m floating on these lucid mystical thoughts, the dog alarms go off.  All four dogs at once barking like mad.  Something irregular has penetrated the energy of my home. 

Could it be the man to read the power meter? Is it time for the water meter to be read? Is the postman at the mailbox? Is the old farmer at the door?  Such disruptions are uncommon.  But the dogs continued barking, whatever intrusion this is has turned out to be more lengthy than the simple reading of a meter, yet there’s no knock at the door, so ’tis no visitor seeking me out.  What is this?

One dog (Bella-Beltane) runs into my room, nips at my knee, and runs at full speed back to the front room, as if to say, “Hey, Mom, come look! Come look!”  I can hear Sirius’s bark change directions – now echoing down the hallway toward my sacred space, as if to say, “Mom… get out here, now!”

Okay, okay… so I get up, walk down the hallway, and see all four dogs gathered at the front window, heads high, tails stiff, on high alert. 

I look out the window… and there’s about a dozen wild turkeys hanging out in the front yard, looking right at me.  The dogs barking through the open window did not deter their being here.  That being the case, I decided I’d confront the wild creatures.  I opened the front door and slipped out without letting the dogs get past me.  There I stood on the front porch – in my black tank top and elmo boxers, uncombed hair, bare feet.  The turkeys stood and stared at me in unison.

“Hello, Turkeys!” I say audibly.

They stand, they stare.

“Don’t I scare you? Aren’t you going to run?”

They stand, they stare.

“Okay, Turkeys.  I recognize you.  I know your message.  Thank you for bringing thanksgiving to me today. I am grateful for your energy and for your visit.”

With that, the lead turkey seems to nod, and they all turn and walk very calmly to the bottom of my hill and cross the yard, beyond the neighbor’s fence toward the creek. Behind them, a hawk circles and I see (with my third eye) the Environmental Awareness fairy waving at me, grinning.

Turkeys are one of my animal totems, guarding the “Within” position.  They protect personal truth and sacred space.

The message of the turkey is gratitude, thankfulness, and a giving spirit. It’s the desire to share what is harvested, and to be thankful for the bounties received.

According to the book Animal Speak by Ted Andrews, the keynote for Turkey is: Shared Blessings and Harvest.

I’ve written out the description for Turkey from the Medicine Card deck when it appeared in my totem spread. Here’s that message:

Within: The Within animal teaches you how to find your heart’s joy and how to be faithful to your personal truths. It is also the protector of your sacred space, the place that is yours alone and is never shared except by invitation.

turkeyTurkey (Give-Away): Turkey is actually thought to be the Give-Away Eagle or South Eagle of many native peoples. The philosophy of give-away was practiced by many tribes. Simply stated, it is the deep and abiding recognition of the sacrifices of both self and others. People in modern-day society, who have many times more than they need, should study the noble turkey who sacrifices itself so that we may live. In Turkey’s death we have our life. Honor Turkey.

Spectators unfamiliar with the cultural phenomenon of the pot latch or give-away ceremony are often mystified by it. A tribal member may gladly give away all he or she owns, and do without in order to help the People. In present-day urban life, we are taught to acquire and get ahead. The person with the most toys wins the game. In some cultures, no one can win the game unless the whole of the People’s needs are met. A person who claims more than his or her share is looked upon as selfish or crazy or both. The poor, the aged, and the feeble have honor. The person who gives away the most and carries the burdens of the People is one of the most respected.

Turkey was the medicine of many saints and mystics. Celebrate if you have Turkey medicine. Your virtues are many. You have transcened self. You act and react on the behalf of others. You aspire to help those who need help. This is not out of some sense of self-righteous moralism or religious guilt. Help and sustenance is given by Turkey out of the realization that all life is sacred. It is knowing that the Great Spirit resides within all people. It is an acknowledgement that wht you do for others you do for yourself. Turkey medicine rests in true ego, in enlightenment. Doing unto others and feeding the people is the mesage of all true spiritual systems.

Depending on how Turkey is aspected in your cards, you are being given a gift. This gift could be spiritual, material, or even intellectual. The gift may be great or small, but it is never insignificant. Congratulations. You may have just won the lottery. Or the gift may be a beautiful sunset, or the smell of a fragrant flower. On the other hand, you may feel the “spirit of giving” growing within you, and wanting you to share with others.

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This card strikes me as odd today – except, perhaps, in relation to my dreams.  Actually, though, on first instinct, I “heard” her tell me to choose the location of my shop wisely because the environment I set up in will have much of an impact on how the energy flows in the building itself.  While I was typing the messages for the King of Pentacles, I started daydreaming about the decor of the shop – of having murals painted on the walls and celings.  I was seeing the Zodiac on the ceiling.  Somehow, that daydream, the location and decor of my physical business, seems connected to this card.  I’m not sure how or why, I’m just stating my gut reaction to it.

I generally guide people to pay attention to their surroundings when this card surfaces – to be attuned to the messages of animals, to be aware of their treatment of the environment, or to notice things in their environment that have changed or might feel unsettling.

The last time I drew this card was when I was looking into buying a house, and I haven’t drawn her since.  When I was looking into buying the house, I paid close attention to environmental issues.  The house I was looking at actually had a gas line running between it and the house next door – with huge pipes and valves protruding from the ground.  It was an eye-sore that someone had attempted to shield with strategically placed fences and vining plants.  The house I was also looking at was located near a dog food plant, so there was the constant “aroma” of dog food in preparation.  Those two factors alone probably would have made me very unhappy (if not unhealthy!) in the long run, so it doesn’t surprise me that the house I was choosing did NOT become my house.

Here’s what the guidebook says:

Environmental Awareness

Card Meaning: The Fairy kingdom is very concerned with the health of Mother Earth. By drawing this card, the fairies are recruiting you to become involved in environmental matters.

Definition: You have the power to make a huge impact on our planet. Earth is a living, breathing being, and the fairies are calling upon you to help her. Your contributions could include recycling, picking up trash while on your nature walk, switching to environmentally friendly cleaning products, becoming a vegetarian, or educating your children about the fragility of nature.

When you spend time outdors, mentally ask the fairies for guidance on how to make your special contributions to Mother Earth’s well-being. The fairies will give you answers in the form of thoughts or feelings, by arranging a synchronistic opportunity, or by helping you use your unique talents to help educate others about environmental concerns.

Affirmation: It feels good to nurture my planet with loving care.

Source: Healing with the Fairies Oracle Cards by Doren Virtue, Ph. D.

Afterthought: Naturally, I was thinking T when I was daydreaming about the murals on the wall.  That’s what he does.  As a general contractor, he does lots of things – but his gift with visual art is absolutely amazing and raises goosebumps on my arms.  I’ve seen his work – he’s incredible, and if I were to choose someone to bring to life the visions in my head in the form of visual art in my shop, he’d be the one I choose, without question.

The other night, I did a reading for a new client, one who has since become a weekly standing appointment, and with whom I’ll be working closely long term. One of his greatest gifts is interior design, and it was discovered in his reading that his greatest attribute might be in “going green”.  Incorporating environmental awareness into his designs, and his forte is bringing the elements of the outdoors in.  I noticed when visiting his house that each room was an expression of nature.  His living room was safari, with fabrics, textures, and prints that reflected the animal kingdom.  His kitchen, however, was designed in florals.  Each room had a different theme, but each theme was tied together by the common thread of nature.  This is a concept I’d love to have applied to Enchanted Elements.  I don’t want it to be a store or an office, I want it to be an experience – and if I could apply T’s gift with visual arts and E’s gift of environmentally friendly interior design with the elements, I’d have the perfect environment for doing my work.

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I’m going straight to the sources today without preceding with my own notions. 

From LearnTarot.com:

Enterprising
makes any venture successful
finds opportunity everywhere
attracts wealth
takes an idea and makes it work
is a natural manager and businessperson
has the Midas touch 

Adept
is informed about practical matters
has a wide range of natural abilities
has quick reflexes
is skillful with his or her hands
handles any situation competently 

Reliable
meets all commitments and promises
assumes responsibility
is dependable and unfailing
can be counted on in a crisis
serves as a rock for others to lean on 

Supporting
encourages the accomplishments of others
readily jumps in to help
is a philantropist
gives generously of time and attention
sponsors worthwhile projects 

Steady
works toward a goal with firm resolve
avoids mood and behavior swings
has regular habits and activities
maintains a calm, even approach
is a stabilizing influence

The personality of the King of Pentacles is a combination of the positive earth energy of the Pentacles suit and the active, outward focus of a King. He might as well be called King Midas as he turns everything he touches to gold (riches of all kinds). He finds opportunity everywhere and succeeds at whatever he sets his mind to. He is enterprising and adept. Whatever the task, he handles it competently, drawing on his wide range of skills and practical knowledge. He’s a jack-of-all-trades – and master of all as well. He is always dependable and responsible. Others rely on him completely because he never fails them. He gives generously of his time and resources because he knows that by giving more, you receive more. He encourages others in their accomplishments and lends his support whenever it is needed. He has a steady and even temperament that adds an element of stability to any situation. When he has set a goal for himself, he pursues it with firm resolve until he’s successful.

In readings, the King of Pentacles asks you to take the kinds of actions he might take. For example: keeping a comittment, fixing something that’s broken, making money, or sponsoring a new enterprise. This King can also represent a man or woman who is acting as he does, or an atmosphere of steady, reliable competence. In a reading, he tells you that his special energy has meaning for you at this time. Let yourself be inspired by this King in whatever form he appears in your life.

From Aeclectic Tarot:

KINGS

Kings. Although they come last, they really should come first, as Kings are where the Court Cards start. They are the fire – their element – the passion, the driving force. This is why Crowley has them as Knights instead, riding on horseback (rather than sitting passively on a throne), filled with energy, moving, leading. Kings are related to the Emperor, and like him they are planners, motivators, commanders, and creators; the one who rallies everyone together to form the kingdom. (Think Henry V.) The Queen is the one who will make it real, and the Knight/Prince will take it beyond the castle walls. But without the King, it won’t happen at all.

Thus, Kings in a spread can indicate motivation, a beginning or start of something.

King of Pentacles

Drawing up plans for a new business, new thoughts on how to make money or craft something. Perhaps building a new house.

. . .

The thing to remember with the Kings is that while they are powerful motivators, they are still “in the crown” – in the head. They can move mountains with their enthusiasm and energy and light a fire under almost anything. But they can’t make it real all by themselves.

Like all court cards, the King cards are most likely to be people. These might be men the Querent knows or the Querent himself if he’s an adult male. It may signify the kind of man he is, or the kind of man he is at this time or in this circumstance.

All Kings have high aspirations, they dream of having the best “kingdom” in the land. And they expect loyalty, especially from family and friends. They are men of influence, and leadership; others come to them for advice. They can be stubborn, absolutely sure that they are right.

King of Pentacles

Call him the “Tough Old Farmer” and his Kingdom is his “business” or farm. Proud and self-reliant, this respected man is likely a civil servant, architect, engineer, manager, farmer or, surprisingly, entertainer. Wherever he is, he worked hard to be in charge and in charge he intends to stay. Although he can seem cold and aloof, he can also be strangely charming and funny, telling the most amusing tales at the dinner table. And he is, underneath it all, kind and loyal. If you need help, he will help and never ask for repayment. But if you help him, he’ll repay you as soon as he can; he doesn’t like being beholden to anyone. He will always provide for his family, do his best for them, stick by them, and expects them to be equally responsible, hardworking and disciplined. Much like his queen, he hates being embarrassed and has a hard time forgiving any one who causes him embarrassment, be they family, friends or enemies. Likely, no one he cares about will ever be told that he loves them; the best they’ll get out of this King is “I’m proud of you.” Which, from him, is his highest compliment.

From Solitary Witch: Book of Shadows for the Next Generation by Silver Raven Wolf:

Experienced, successful businessman or leader. One who saves and is reliable, steadfast, and often resourceful. Good planner. Down-to-earth personality.

And, from Numerology and the Divine Triangle by Faith Javane and Dusty Bunker:

As a temporary vibration: Promotion, risks, assistance. This is a master number period which requires more and, in return, gives more that any other number vibration. You can expect to elevate your present status. Money, position and influence are yours. The rewards are in exact proportion to your previous output and, if this has been substantial, you will revel in the riches life gives you.

Influential people, especially of the opposite sex, will help you advance your position. You will have the power you desire in your chosen field. Maintain a practical approach to all affairs. Share your good fortune with others; you can afford to be generous now. However, extravagance and unwise speculation can lead to losses, so keep a balance. Marriage under this vibration is fruitful and successful.

Tarot Symbolism: The king is dressed in a robe decorated with grapes; they symbolize fruitfulness and plenty. The Taurean symbols decorating the throne indicate money, possessions and material gifts. The buildings shown are not merely houses, but are castles of substantial size. Luxury is also evident in the heavy carving adorning the throne, and the golden crown topped with a wreath of roses, the symbol of elevated desires. Since the roses are on top of the crown, at the highest point of the fiture, they indicate that the desires have been fulfilled. The mace in the king’s right hand is a symbol of authority and power. The golden pentacle in the left hand shows an ability to handle money wisely.

Astrological Correspondence: First decan Capricorn. This decan is Saturn-ruled and is the midheaven of the natural zodiac. It relates to honor, fame and ambition. If Capricorn, or any cardinal sign, is on the midheaven in your individual horoscope, some sort of prominence is indicated, depending on details in other parts of the chart. You have a talent for leadership and organization. You are persevering and thorough, thrifty and industrious, systematic and orderly. Education and the arts are important to you. You have good taste and conventional manners. You are the aristocrat of the zodiac, the most noble of the numbers, expressed in high and serious goals.

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As promised, I called the doctor yesterday morning.  I told them I was being referred by my mother, and they told me they could get me in within about two to three weeks, then asked what I needed to be seen for.  I explained to the receptionist about the severe headaches, occasional nose bleeds, rapid weight loss, and the swelling in my right side.  She said, “Okay, we can get you in today. How soon can you get here?”  But when she realized I was a new patient, she went back to her original tune, “We can’t see you for at least three weeks.” She then encouraged me to go directly to the ER.

I’m not going to the ER. Instead, I went directly to work.  I worked the full day, almost.  By six-thirty, my entire right side was tight, solid as a rock.  I’d noticed some strange interactions – like, the headache was a constant presence, but mostly a “numbness” or “tingling” rather than pain.  But whenever I’d pick up a tray (with my left hand), I could feel a cold tingling shoot up my back and into the base of my head. It felt like cold water.  The headache would intensify the entire time I was holding the tray, but as soon as I’d set it back down, I’d feel the “cold water” slide back down my back until it was gone.  I tried to eat, but didn’t get along too well with the grilled chicken I’d ordered and mostly just pushed things around my plate, forcing in a few bites along the way.  At about six-thirty, when I went to pick up an iced tea pitcher, I felt a “pop” just under my rib cage. It wasn’t painful… just weird.  Then my whole abdomen started to swell.  They let me go home.

When I got home, both of the kids were concerned and wanted me to go to the ER, but I suggested we wait and carry through with our original plan, which was to go to the urgent care center after they get home from school today.  We discovered that if I lay down, the swelling and tighness subside.  It’s when I stand up or am in motion that it seems to be aggravated.  The “ball” or “mass” that was under my rib cage seems to move.  Last night, it was lower in my torso, near my belly button, off to the right a bit.  My mom came over and pushed things around, wiggled things up, and the knot disappeared all together.  Later that night, when I was sleeping, it came back out… under the rib cage again.  So, it moves, hides, then resurfaces.  It’s not painful, though – it’s just “weird”.  There is a tenderness to touch… but it’s more like nerves or pinched nerves than it is a pre-existing pain.  You have to touch it in the right spot for it to hurt, but if untouched, it’s just “there”.  So, when the kids get home this afternoon, we’ll drive into town and visit the urgent care to see what’s going on.  Meanwhile, I still have this stupid headache.

Gonna push through a Daily Dose this morning, then wrap up my traffic school.  Tonight, I need to type up the reports from last week’s Tarot Readings and numerology, because I’m already booked full for this Friday. I’d like to get last Friday’s business in order before this Friday accumulates more.

Haven’t studied at all this week, or worked on my articles.  Part of that is just because of the headache, and the stress I’m carrying around.  There are so many things I’m worried over right now – the Jeep, the dogs, the bills, the lack of groceries, the romantic situations, the business, my health conditions, work issues, etc. — it’s hard to be creative under that mountain of stress – and I’m sure that stress is responsible for some if not all of my physical issues.

Nonetheless, life is good.

W

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Last night’s dreams were off the hook! I slept solid, though I didn’t go to sleep until late… nearly 3 a.m. – and with headache still in tact.  But the dreams were wild…

The first thing I remember is bringing in a grip of new animals, most specifically cats and birds.  The cats were like the return of all the cats I’ve owned before but no longer have.  I saw Cleocatra, the first cat I had in my adult life who ran away after her litter of kittens had been distributed to other homes (probably too early).  I saw Bagiera, the black cat I had to have put down because of feline lukemia.  I saw the four kitty sisters – Opal, Topaz, Garnet, and Peridot.  We had all the cats in the back kennel – and the new birds (exotic birds, including one as a gift for my mother), were in cages in the house.  What I remember is being at the kennel, on the outside, in the back yard – when I heard a sound – heavy slithering and breaking branches – coming down the hill.  I turned to look and saw an alligator.  I hollered to the kids and started running, trying to make it to and through the sliding glass door before the alligator could get me. This sucker was huge – at least six to eight feet in length – and fat, but quick. It chased me through the yard, snapping it’s jaws at me, but I made it through the door in time, just barely.  We caught it’s snout in the door as we were trying to close it.  Rhythm was going to try to “kick” the snout out to finish closing the door, but I cautioned him against it.  The alligator stayed and watched me, scratching at the door, snapping its jaws.  It wasn’t interested in anyone other than me. It wanted to eat me.

Alligator and/or crocodile are not in my Medicine wheel cards, but I do have them in the book Animal Speak by Ted Andrews. He lists their keynotes as, “Primal energies of birth, motherhood, and initiation.”  It has much to do with ingesting knowledge slowly, and using wisely new wisdom that is coming forth.

The next segment of the dream had Rhythm killing two of my cats.  I had come in from somewhere (dunno where) and he told me straight away, “I had to put down Bagiera and Topaz”.  I asked what he meant by “put down”.  He said they scratched him, so he considered them a danger and put them down.  Apparently, we had the tools on hand for injecting the animals with a final dose? I was extremely upset and asked him why he didn’t wait for me, why he didn’t ask if I was okay with it, and how he’d feel if he came home and found out I’d put his dogs down.  I was terribly upset, crying and hysterical over the loss of these cats.

Cats, according to Animal Speak by Ted Andrews, have keynotes of “Mystery, magick, and independence.” However, in the myths and legends of time and cultures past, cats were also associated with fertility.

The book, A Witch’s Book of Dreams by Karri Allrich says this about cats: “Often a favorite familiar of the Witch, the feline is mystery and knowledge, an ally, one who shares secrets. Independent and beautiful. Feminine instinct, a hunter, a seeker of comfort. Inscrutable. Do you have a cat in your life? this dream may reflect an aspect of your own feline instinct. If the cat is wounded, a part of your instinctual feminine is wounded. Are you rescuing the cat (your natural instinct)? Feeding it? (Nurturing your intuition?) If the cat has given birth to kittens, renewed feminine instinct/intuition is being born within you.”

Well, in my case, the cats were being killed – this particular book also suggests that every person we see in our dreams is merely a reflection of some portion of our own energy – an element of ourselves being shown to us in a different light.  That being the case, Rhythm in the dream would be an aspect of myself – the “Masculine” aspect, the “man of the house” part of me.  Therefore, the masculine urges in me are feeling threatened by the feminine instincts and trying to stiffle them. I can see how this might be true in my current circumstance, particularly in relation to love and romance.

As for the exotic birds, there was one specifically that was a gift for my mother.  It seemed almost reptillian, though, which is weird.  It had the wings of a bird, but the head and tail of a lizard.  It was copper in color, but had tropical colored feathers on its torso and wings.  Mom opened the cage door, the creature climed up on top of the cage door, but mom started waving her hands frantically and trying to “rush” the bird, forcing it to climb on her hand.  I remember telling Mom, “Give it time, Mom. Let him get used to you. You’re going to scare him.  We don’t know yet if he bites.  Ease off.”

The next part of the dream had me working in some sort of store – not the magick shoppe, I don’t think – but some sort of hodgpodge of retro relics and antiques, to carnival type foods – cotton candy, candied apples, etc. There was also an element of catering as I had a dessert case with samples of a wide variety of elaborate desserts and appetizers.  There was one person from work in the dream – a guy who recently moved, so I know i won’t be seeing again.  He was cool because he had a lot of metaphysical tendencies and we had some great chats and shared a few insights in the break room while he still worked there.  I’m not sure what his energy represented in this dream.  He was in no way a romantic connection – just a cool character, an old soul, and a great thinker that I loved to chat with.

In the dream, I was just closing up the store for the day.  I remember saying, “It wasn’t a bad day.”  Then, I flipped the sign on the door from “Open” to “Closed”, and as soon as the “closed” sign was showing, I woke up.

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Preface: I wrote this last night in a fit of anger. I thought I’d found certain truths that matter of factly indicated deception.  Then, I re-thought it in the face of what I recognized as my own paranoia.  Then I wondered if I’d reached such a state of confusion that I could no longer tell the difference between intuition and paranoia, or if I’d become so clouded that I could no longer separate my own opinons from those of others.  I felt guilty for having written it, and took it down.  This morning, as I read the description of Weasel, I realize this poem describes weasel energy precisely!  I still don’t know if what I’m feeling is intuition that’s warning me, or paranoia that’s keeping me from seeing the reality of a situation.  I still don’t know whether or not I should be trusting, or if trusting would paint me to be the fool… again.  And, while I wrote this last night, I had one situation in mind – one “trigger” that penned the thoughts.  However, this morning, I can see several situations to which this might apply.  That being said, in the spirit of being completely open and honest with myself, I’ve decided to re-publish this piece.  Yes… I’m confused inside myself, and torn between past, present and future pains and promises.

Surely, You Jest! (Almost the fool… again)

I was a fool for you once…
Unabashedly, unequivocally,
Undeniably, unstoppably the fool
For you… once.

I will not be a fool
For you again.

So smooth are the words,
So cleverly formed,
So expertly delivered –
That any of three or more maidens
Would by them be wooed…
For who among us doesn’t dream
Of being swept off her feet
By a gallant and chivalrous knight?

I swooned for you once.
Nearly twice…
I will not swoon for you
Again…

So long had it been
That the pain had nearly faded –
Or it faded, at least, in the midst
Of the deeper pain I was feeling
In the moment…

But one moment of weakness
Does not make me a fool.
I was a fool for you once.
I will not be your fool again.

I know how to look
I know where to look
I know when to look
When it’s clear I’m being deceived –
And it’s clear… so clear… that deception is at hand!

And in spite of how much
I’d have rather believed,
Truth rears its head yet again
And all I can do is laugh…

Laugh ’til I cry
’til I laugh again.

Men!

Surely, you jest!

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