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Archive for July, 2008

All sheets, pillows, and comfortors were on the floor when I woke this morning, and I found myself lying on a bare mattress, shivering. We don’t have air conditioning.  All I had was open windows and a few fans. That’s one of the differences between Vegas and Kentucky.  In Vegas, it doesn’t matter what time of day it is in summer… you sweat! In Kentucky, the mornings are cool all year round.

In my dream, I was taking a tour of a huge house.  It had recently be redesigned and I was there to be shown the “after” version.  I remember getting lost in the house it was so big.  There were several sets of stairs, at least half a dozen bathrooms, if not more, and just as many bedrooms.  There was a den, a library, and a few additional “sitting rooms” aside from the bedrooms.  There was a swimming pool. I remember thinking it was very Feng Shui the way the stair cases were rounded instead of at a straight angle.  The archways were too, as was the furniture – round, not square. Soft, not rigid.  The colors were a combination of warm and cool, but each was as comfortable as the last, and all were inviting.

Clearly, it wasn’t my house – nothing about it was similar to mine, nor did it match any home I’d considered buying. However, I do know that when you dream of being inside of a house, you’re actually traveling inward, visiting your own inner sanctuary – the temple of the soul.

It was a clear reflection – an awareness that I am currently under construction, being remodeled from the inside out – not necessarily in need of repairs, not out of order, but being improved upon – providing a platform for better energy flow.

There were a few outside triggers for the dream.  Naturally, the last thing on my mind when I went to bed was this house and how much work it’s going to need if it’s ever going to feel like home.  I was also thinking about the house we didn’t get and how it will never be home.  I’ve decided I’m okay with that – because as much as the kids fell in love with that house, there were a few things about it that fell short in my book.  It didn’t have a front porch – and I’m so all about front porch sitting!  It didn’t have a fireplace, and even though I could have had one installed, I just felt like the next home I purchased will have a fireplace.  The other outside influence was the movie Fracture.  The house featured in that film was much more of a mansion – very modern and upper scale, clean cut.  T and I talked about its shape, its style, and what we did or didn’t like about it.  It took me a few minutes to put my finger on it, but then I said, “I don’t like it because it’s too straight-lined.  Everything is square or flat – even the swimming pool.  Too “block” like.  Nothing “flowed”.

So, I awake with the understanding that while everything is changing, everything is staying the same – and in that paradox, I’m being remodeled.  New interior design.

Okay… I’m good with that.  I always appreciate a good opportunity to evolve.

When I woke, I realized I’d overslept by an hour.  While dreaming, I managed to turn off my alarm clock. I have exactly one hour to whip through a Daily Dose and make my bed – then it’s hit the showers and off to work.

Life is good.

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Where do I begin?

*sigh*

Whenever I set my sights on a thing, particularly if I engage magickal influences, I leave a loop hole.  I state my desire, I work with the energies of heaven and earth, I focus my intent, I set my will… and then I say, “… if this is for the best.”  I know that the Universe knows things that I don’t know… and that sometimes, what I think is for the best — isn’t.  Most often, that realization comes in light of consequence, in retrospect, painfully and costly, and a little too late.

For example, I often wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t moved to Tulsa back in 2001.  What if I’d just stayed in Vegas and pushed through the turmoils.  How different would things have been?  Maybe if I’d never moved to Tulsa, Atlas wouldn’t have left the family.  In retrospect, I can see how irresponsible that move was.  I had just turned thirty, got divorced, lost my house, got in a car accident, then got laid off from my job.  I couldn’t afford the rent on the apartment the kids and I moved into.  I had to give up my brand new car as a voluntary repo because I couldn’t afford the payments.  That’s when I got the wild and crazy, wacky and zany idea to just throw caution to the wind and get the hell out of dodge.  It’s when I realized for the first time that I wasn’t rooted in Vegas, wasn’t anchored to anything.  Of course, I didn’t have a plan, barely had a dollar in my pocket, sold off most of everything we owned, and took off on a whim and a prayer. If I had known in foresight what I learned in hindsight, would I still have gone? I think not. Don’t get me wrong – we learned a lot from our Tulsa days, and we created a lot of memories.  We learned how to be survivors.  For the most part, we learned to stick together through thick and thin, no matter what.  We learned that happiness isn’t in what you have, but in how you live day to day.  We may have been broke beyond belief and in utter financial dispair… but we laughed together, we played together, and we gave each other strength.

This week, I’ve been writing an awful lot about love – defining it, understanding it, avoiding it, succoming to it, resisting it, craving it, denying it.  In the end of my round-about soul searching ways, I decided that I was actually in a very healthy place.  I’ve finally reached a place where I rely more on foresight than I do on hindsight.  I’ve reached a place where I respond to life with patience rather than impulse… in regard to love, anyway.  But tonight, I have to ask myself if Love was really my topic, or if, subconsciously, I was being led to a much bigger lesson.

I know, I know. These thoughts are misfires and confusing and leading from where to what?

Here’s the deal.  Rex called today.  I did not get approved for the home loan. We won’t be moving after all.  The lenders would not consider the child support/survivor’s benefits my children receive as part of my income because my children are too old.  Within four years, they’ll be legal adults and no longer receiving that income.  Considering a home loan is a minimum of fifteen years, but more likely thirty, it makes sense to me that they’d rule out that limited-time income.  The bad debt I accrued in Tulsa and just prior to Tulsa is still on my credit report and causing damage.  Even though I’ve spent the past year (post-divorce) re-building credit and taking care of old debts, the debt/income ratio is still too much of a risk for a lender to consider a loan for that amount. There’s nothing more that can be done.  I need to work at my job for at least one more year to show a two year work history with one employer.  I need to have established good credit for more than a year to balance out the bad credit that still lingers.  It makes sense.

It makes sense, but that doesn’t make it any less painful of a reality… and even though in my head I could justify how a move could have, should have, would have been possible — I have to admit that there was a fear of not being able to make ends meet once I bit off that big of a bite. My current home may be in a major state of disarray, but it’s paid for — in full.

There are a lot of things I’m feeling right now, and the tears are flowing freely.  Initially, I wanted to have a temper tantrum and swing fists at the Universe.  I wanted to shout that I deserved this, damn it, and that I did everything right.  But… then I have to realize that there’s a reason I leave that loop hole of “… if it’s for the best.”  Then I started thinking about all the things I’ve written about love and knowing what I’m getting myself into before I jump blindly — some how, those thoughts are connecting in my head. 

I feel guilty for allowing my children to get their hopes up.  I permitted us to look at houses when I knew we weren’t ready, and I allowed them to walk into one they could “feel” would be “home”.  I was so sure we’d make this happen that I even brought home boxes and allowed them to start packing.  Then I had to call them and admit to them that I had failed… I wasn’t able to pull it off.  I was wrong. *sigh* — I let them down.

Fuck.

They’re good kids; they’re brilliant minds – they’re good sports and they know, like I do, that if it didn’t happen, there’s a reason… whether something bad would have happened to one of us there, or I couldn’t afford the payments and we’d lose it, or whatever scenerio our minds can’t wrap around – there’s a reason we’re being held where we are.

I went to T’s after work to watch a movie.  Any distraction from my own thoughts was welcome – and he was a wonderful host – not just to my being in his house to watch a movie, but in knowing how I was feeling and how to respond to it.  He spoke my own language in reminding me that there’s a reason it didn’t happen, offered me comfort and assurance by speaking of things he could and would do to improve the condition of the house, provided an excellent movie to entertain my brain, and even brought me to hysterical laughter at one point (and I do mean a giggle fit that felt incredible)… and when the movie was over, he walked me to my car, cautioned me to watch for deer in the road, and I headed for… “home”, whatever that means.

The moon taunted me on my drive.  A quarter gone, the color of a glowing squash, it looked as of the black of sky was taking a big bite out of her.  She hung low in the sky, heavy. That’s when the tears started to swell in my eyes, but I fought them off (for safety purposes) until the Jeep was in the driveway, keys out, break on.  Then, I just sat there for a minute… looking at the tattered porch.  Then, I cried.

Rhythm met me at the door, embraced me in a hug, and did his best to be positive and uplifting. “Don’t worry, Mamma.  We’re fine where we are.  Things are gonna work out. It’s okay.”

I have to wonder if I misread this morning’s Tarot card.  Maybe that Ace of Pentacles being inverted was trying to tell me I WASN’T about to get what I wanted… that the dream wasn’t going to manifest.  Then again, maybe it was right on target in letting me know there’s divine intervention going on here and that my needs are being met… just differently than I’d have envisioned.

I dunno… I just feel a bit lost, confused, and stuck at the moment.

I don’t know why the universe is making me stay put.  There was a powerful line in the movie tonight.  The movie was Fracture, and the line was, “I haven’t worked as hard as I have to stay where I belong.”  T chuckled and said, “That sounds like you!”

Enough said. 

Alright, Universe. You win.  You get your way. I won’t lash out. I won’t rebel. I won’t throw a temper tantrum. I won’t do anything stupid (although I do remember a time when this blow would have been enough to make me smoke a fatty and empty a bottle!).  No numbing, no running.

Ah… maybe I’m on to something.

No running.

Why did I want to move in the first place?  The valid reasons were to be closer to work so I’d not have to drive 35 miles each way and spend a fortune in gas; to allow the kids to be in a community – a neighborhood, rather than stuck in the boonies.  To be in a home that didn’t require so frigging much to restore.  But the real reason is… I wanted a fresh start, a clean slate – to leave the energy and memories of this house behind — to get the hell out of dodge, just like I did when I moved to Tulsa.

*sigh*

Maybe I’m being challenged to create that clean slate from where I am – to do it from the inside out rather than trying to sweep what is under the rug and exhange it for something better.  Maybe this is what that Inner Power fairy oracle was leading to…

… and maybe I’m thinking way too much when I’m way too tired and need to just give it up, surrender to it, and go to bed.  I’ve a nine-hour work day tomorrow.

BUT…

in spite of it all, and in spite of the challenges, and in spite of my own self…

Life is good.

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Today is:
July 23, 2008

*Harvest Day

Today’s Tarot: Ace of Pentacles, Inverted
Today’s Fairy Oracle: Inner Power

TODAY’S THE DAY: An Interesting Note – Alignment

Wednesday:
Governed by Mercury – study, travel, divination, wisdom

Colors:
yellow, brown, white, topaz

The Moon:
3rd quarter waning in Aries
(Pisces to void-of-course @ 1:39 a.m. US Central, entered Aries at 3:22 a.m. US Central)

Waning Moon: Waning moon is when the moon appears to be shrinking in the sky, the last two weeks of the moon’s twenty-eight day cycle. Each night the light of the moon gets smaller and smaller until ultimately, the moon appears invisible and is completely out of sight. During this two weeks, it’s best for doing magickal workings to rid yourself of things, to cast away negative energies, or to break habits. If you want to keep your nails short, trim them during waning moon. Want to slow the growth of your hair? Cut it during waning moon. Want to end a certain relationship? Waning moon is best. Quit smoking? Lose weight? Waning moon lends its energies to these types of magickal workings.

Moon in Aries: You may be inclined to speak your mind more openly and aggressively, but expect others to do the same, and don’t be surprised if opinions conflict and tempers rise. Great ideas may spark, but the flames are quickly exhausted (no long burning embers here!), so jot the ideas down while they’re free-flowing, and manifest them later when the moon/sign combination is more in favor of long term results. Harness the spontaneous energy brought by the moon’s visit with Aries, but resist the tendency to be impulsive or headstrong. Emotions may run strong, but reason is required, so work at maintaining balance between heart and mind, without letting them go to war with one another.

The Sun:

Leo, The Lion (My time to shine!)

The Sun Rules the Sign of Leo

  • On the downside:  You may have a heavy ego, and you can be arrogant, vain, and extravagant.
  • Your good qualities include:  A strong vitality, honorable, creative, generous, dignified.
  • Developing your own self identity and mode of creative energy expression will be your ongoing life’s work.

Leo has a great deal of self confidence but they also have a great fear of being ridiculed and made to feel disgraced. While Leo is very affectionate there is a tendency to have things their way and may rapidly lose interest if they are challenged too often for the leading role. They will have to learn to discipline themselves against their overall enthusiasm for living life to the fullest, which is to say, dangerously on the edge. The creative urge in Leos should never be stifled as to do so a good deal of potential will be wasted.

  Leos are found as painters, actors, or sculptors; but not all Leos are in the public arts, no, rather they can be found in the throes of creation doing their projects on the kitchen table. They have an infectious vitality that lights up their lives like an inner sun and illuminates not only their lives, but the lives of those around them. Lack of fulfillment in life, professionally or personally, can destroy these bright and shinning people and cloud their personalities.Leos need control in their lives to be really satisfied so organization is absolutely essential to their peace of mind.

  A leo should cultivate a flexible mind as they do not always ‘know best’.

Only when this trait is cultivated can the characteristic Leonine warmth, generosity, and desire to really understand others be fully indulged.

 

  The lions love and adore children as they bring out the inner child. Leos are surprisingly sensitive and easily hurt, but they do have a tendency to dominate and this should never be underestimated. It is always meant well as they only want to bring out the best in the people they care about, or work with. They also tend toward impatience and they should make curbing these traits a lifelong objective. Born leaders, they can take command of a situation in any emergency and see it through to its completion. The enthusiams they acquired in childhood will generally last a lifetime and may even dictate the career one would choose.

 They can be too status conscious, causing themselves much anguish when, or if, they cannot keep up with others in their immediate circle. They can also be quite overbearing and vain when they feel they are being challenged. On the other hand, the lions make great lovers and parents, giving more to a relationship than most of the other signs. They are good honorable persons and good providers.

Source: http://www.starlightastrology.com/leo-sun.htm

Today’s Horoscope for Leo:

Quickie:
Everyone is in the mood to compromise, and one of your friends has a great idea.

Overview:
Someone new breezes into your life today and might give you reason to rethink some deeply held opinion. It’s a good time to open up to your friends and maybe take a new direction in life.

Daily Extended:
You and your friends are a little bit out of synch with each other, but not to worry — this dissonance might create more fun than frustration. Everyone is in the mood to compromise, and one of your friends is going to come up with a great idea. They will help make things better than they’ve ever been! It’s going to be one of those days when you fully realize how lucky you are to have such fantastic people in your life. Show them how much you care.

Daily Flirt:
You feel pretty settled in at least one area of your life — but someone comes along today who spins you around one more time. It shouldn’t be a bad thing, because you’re sure to find the new way a little better.

Daily Couples:
Whatever you do with your honey today, you’re bound to have a good time. The two of you can find a way to make even laundry night seem fun. As long as you’re together, the activity is secondary.

Daily Singles:
Your talent to have a good time out of anything makes you the go-to person when people are dying of boredom. Use this to your advantage to wow someone new. Keep the positive vibes going and encourage others to laugh in the face of ennui.

Career & Finance:
All that glitters is not gold. You’ve already learned that lesson. But just how that manifests itself is always a bit tricky. It’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s just glittering. Trust your instinct.

Horoscope Source: http://shine.yahoo.com/astrology/

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Inner Power

Inner Power

This made me smile… wide.  Isn’t she just radiantly beautiful? I love this card.  She gives me warm fuzzies and chilly willies all at once.

I’d mentioned recently that over the weekend, T helped me with a reading.  Since my return home, I’ve drawn some of the cards that surfaced in that reading, including the Seven of Swords and the Beauty Fairy Oracle.  Today’s fairy was also a part of that reading, and it encourages me to believe in and USE my own inner power to generate the desired changes and provide what I need. This is a card that makes me cry healing tears.  I needed this card today.  Not only is it perfectly synchronized with the Ace of Pentacles drawn this morning, but it also corresponds with my recent thoughts and ideas in regard to my goals, dreams and aspirations – providing what I can through tarot readings, preparing to move to a new house (which is still pending!), and considering the possibility of opening my own magick shoppe, not to mention the books I’d like to write.

Here’s what the guidebook says:

Card Meaning: You are now allowing yourself to experience and express your true power. The fairies ask you to affirm, “It is safe for me to be powerful!”

Definition: You have within you all of the power of the Universe. No one is more powerful than you. As a spiritually minded being, it’s impossible for you to misuse or abuse your power. Your guides will bring you opportunities to use and expand your power in ways that bring great blessings to you and the world.

Heaven needs the lightworkers of the world, including you, to realize and utilize their power. By drwing this card, you’re being asked to release any fears you may have about being powerful. You’re asked to keep your self-esteem high by honoring yourself, taking excellent care of your physical and emotional self, working on your dreams and aspirations, and spending time in prayer and meditation. The higher your level of self esteem, the more comfortable you will be with your power.

Affirmation: It is safe for me to be powerful! I have all the power of the Universe flowing through me and supporting me.

Source: Healing with the Fairies Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue, Ph. D

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Ace of Pentacles

Ace of Pentacles

 

Aces represent the very best a suit has to offer, the un-tapped, raw energy of the suit.  Pentacles represent money, the coming together of a process, or other earthy gains.  The Ace of Pentacles, when upright, indicates that everything that’s needed is being provided, along with a little bit of divine intervention. It’s golden opportunity.  When inverted, it could indicate that either the energy of the card is just beginning to manifest and hasn’t peaked yet, that it’s a waning energy that’s on its way out, or that there may be a lack of faith in regards to believing that what is needed will be provided.  When upright, I get a jolt from this card… an excited wiggle because I get excited for the person who drew the card (even and especially if it’s myself!) because I know that the quarrent is about to receive a much needed hand. When inverted, I’m inclined to advise to have faith and trust in a higher power, in Universal wisdom, and know that everything will be taken care of.

Here’s what the other sources say:

From Solitary Witch: Book of Shadows for the Next Generation by Silver Raven Wolf:

Abundance; wealth, a monetary contract; accomplishment; good news; a new start, especially in financial and property matters; gifts; positive material gain; new business proposition.

From LearnTarot.com:

using material force
focusing on concrete results
having a real-world impact
working with the physical
achieving tangible results
improving the body/health
becoming involved with nature
 
prospering
having the means to reach a goal
enjoying abundance
drawing to you what you need
flourishing
seeing efforts rewarded
increasing assets
experiencing growth
 
being practical
using common sense
getting down-to-earth
taking advantage of what works
being realistic
grounding yourself in the real world
accepting the tools at hand
 
proceeding with trust
believing in the good faith of others
feeling safe and protected
knowing you have total security
operating from a known position
having a support system
knowing the situation is stable
consolidating a firm base

The Ace of Pentacles is a symbol of possibility in the area of prosperity, abundance, trust, security and groundedness. In readings, it shows that a seed of productivity has been planted in your life although you may not yet recognize it. When the seed sprouts, it could take almost any form. It might be a feeling of centeredness, desire for results or need to focus on practical matters. On the outside, it could be an offer, gift, opportunity, encounter or synchronistic event.

When you see this Ace, examine your life to see how its solid energy could work for you. Now is not the time for fantasy, drama or daring. It is a time to be real and centered. Seek out comfortable, reliable experiences that make you feel secure. Build a foundation of trust in your life both within and without. Your common sense will tell you what to do. Focus also on the natural world to help you stay grounded. Enjoy your body and all the joys of material existence.

The Ace of Pentacles can be a sign that you will be able to make your dreams real. Your ideas are ready to be turned into something tangible. Figure out what will work and make it a reality. You can now attract all the wealth you need to get your projects going. Tap into the material force of the Ace of Pentacles, and all your enterprises will flourish.

And from Aeclectic Tarot:

ACES

Aces are the root force. They are the spark. Relate them to the Magician, who presents the tools to the Fool. They have no purpose yet, but are filled with raw potential. They are the active energy of the suit ready to be used. They can also indicate direction or season, though which stands for which is often debated. Here are the “usual” directions and seasons. If, however, they don’t feel right to you, the reader, use whatever works best.

Ace of Pentacles

North/Winter

New luck, health or money for a new “job”. There is no desire to burn, or flow or fly; here is a physical need to be grounded, to do solid work, make, create and touch. Like a seed in the ground, there is a desire to sprout roots and just become. The pentacle is taken in hand, and, for now, the querent wants only to have it solidly in his pocket.

These are the aces, the raw or initial passion, feelings, thoughts and needs that can be directed into something more. They represent hope, a possiblity, an action to take. The Querent can use them, or leave them behind. Choose wisely what you take up from the Magician’s table for each has its pitfalls as well as pinnacles.

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And it was a strange one.  I spent way more time than usual this morning with my own thoughts, but it felt good to sink into myself and nestle there for a while.  The dream I’d had spawned quite a bit of reflection and introspection – thoughts on love, defining love, confusing love, giving and receiving love.  Those thoughts stuck with me throughout the day as I questioned my own understanding of the perplexing emotion, and the experiences I’ve had with it to date.  If I’m to be perfectly honest with myself, even though I’ve been married (more than once), been in several long term relationships, and went through the motions thinking that what I was feeling was love, the truth is I don’t think I’ve ever been truly in love.  I thought I was once… I mean really gave more of myself than I thought I had to give.  Allowed myself to need in a way I’ve never needed, took down all my shields and guards… then found out it had all been an illusion…. so at this point, I have no choice but to admit that for as much as I felt, I wasn’t in love with a person as much as I was with an idea, and a false one at that. I’m sure that’s what that fool represented in the recent past position in July’s Tarot reading – and until now, I’ve been afraid to admit it.  So the one time I truly thought I was experiencing real love – not puppy love, not “comfort” love, not “attention” love, not “lust” love… but real love…. never existed.

I never hesitated in saying it once I thought I was feeling it.  Trust me… if something’s on my mind or in my heart, I pretty much put it out there – quite literally for the world to see.  I’ve written all sorts of poetry expressing what I thought was love, and never hesitated in being the first to say what I felt.  Something is different now, and I’m not sure what it is.  At first, I thought it was just downright fear.  Fear of being hurt, fear of being rejected, fear of being vulnerable.  But, the more I think about it, the more I realize it has very little, if anything, to do with fear.  What it has to do with is making sure I get past the illusions, not getting sucked in by “new” sensations. It’s about me truly understanding where I am, why I’m there, what I’m feeling, why I’m feeling it… and dissecting it from all angles, waiting it out, seeing how life unfolds.  If I’d taken the time and insight to do that in the past, to truly evaluate each situation and weigh out the pros and cons and think through the possible consequences, I could have avoided a whole lot of emotional chaos.  For the time being, I’m perfectly content with taking a bold step in saying I am most definitely and undeniably twitterpated.

After I delved into my own thoughts this morning, I gave myself a much needed break and did something I rarely do… I went back to bed! I set the alarm, giving myself an additional hour and a half to sleep.  When I woke, although I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish, I rebelled against the list and, instead, got lost in the virtual world of SIMS.  That’s a red flag for me now… getting lost in SIMS.  It means I’m feeling like things are out of control in my own reality and I get lost in a virtual world where I can play the role of God and change things at my own will, whether it’s redecorating a house, changing a job, getting or losing a pet, or sending my SIMS out on first dates.  I knew when I’d lost two hours to the game that I was in spiritual trouble.

Just then, T called.  He wanted me to leave early so I could stop by a shop he’d been in that morning to look at something he thought would be appreciated by one of my offspring.  He told me to meet him at his place and I could follow him to the store and go from there to work.  With that, I did a quick change, threw my hair in a pony tail, and set out for the afternoon.

When I’d arrived at T’s, he was working on fixing the breaks in his son’s car.  His son, who was supposed to be helping him, disappeared.  As T laid himself down on cusioned trash bags on the ground to crawl under the car, he said, “When I tell you to, climb into that seat there and push on the breaks.”

We did a series of, “Push… don’t let go.  Hold it.  Okay, now pump them.  Let go.  Push down.  Pump. Hold it.”

It was something so simple… yet, in the moment, I appreciated the way we communicated.  Simple things.  Simple things. (Exhale).

When finished, he climbed into his truck and I climbed into my Jeep and we headed to the shop he’d spoke of.  He was exactly right in his assessment of the item and its intended recipient.  Hold the item until Friday… then I’ll go pick it up.

I went from there to work, which was an odd shift.  First of all, it was a short shift – and I hate the short shifts.  I live 35 miles from where I work… it’s not worth it for me to drive 35 miles to work 3 1/2 hours for less than forty bucks.  But, I do it anyway… not always, but when there’s a need.  Today, there really was no need because it was incredibly slow.  Not only was it incredibly slow, but the mood of the dining guests seemed extremely somber.  Even the manager noticed, “Gee, you walk into the dining room and everyone’s faces are like this…”  She makes a morbid face, we all nod, and go about our miniscule tasks.  I was rolling silverware.  On Weekdays, no matter how short the shift, we’re required to roll forty pounds of silverware.  On weekends, it’s sixty.  I rolled my forty pounds, which filled two plastic containers.  My name in each container as required, lids on as required, I was told to put the cases on the scale to weigh them before turning them in.  As I lifted the cases to put them on the scale, the bottom of one cracked and came completely apart, cascading my silverware to the floor… unusable.  Everyone stopped and waited for my reaction. They all know what a pain in the ass it is to roll forty pounds and that I’d not be able to turn in the twenty pounds I’d just lost… and all I could do was laugh.  The manager had mercy on me, though. “Unroll them all and take them to the dish room and I won’t make you re-roll them.”

*sigh*

Because it was so slow, we all got turned loose early.  I called T just to let him know I was on my way home and to see how the rest of his day went… and we decided I’d stop by his place on the way to watch a movie.  Instead of a movie, we ended up watching a few episodes of the Three Stooges, and an episode of the Simpsons.  As he reached for the movie, I reached for my phone to check the time.  Too late… no time to put in a movie. It was already ten thirty.

While I was at his place, I grabbed hold of his Medicine Wheel animal cards.  I like to draw one every time I’m at his place since I don’t have a deck here to incorporate into my Daily Dose.  The card I drew tonight was the Bear… Introspection.  It spoke of going into the inner cave and hibernating while in search of life’s bigger truths.  I laughed out loud.  Nothing could have been more appropriate.

And so another day becomes a yesterday while tomorrow waits in the mists to manifest.

Life is good.

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As I was doing the Daily Dose this morning, I realized that I’m about to encounter a unique alignment – everything will be as it was on the day I was born.  The Sun will be in Leo, the year according to Chinese astrology is the year of the rat, and the moon will be in Aries – everything aligned exactly as it was on the day of my birth. 

2008 is the year of the rat.  As of today, the Sun shifted into Leo.  As of 3:22 a.m. tomorrow morning (tonight), the moon shifts into Aries (my Moon sign), where it will stay for the remainder of Wednesday, all of Thursday, until 6:30 a.m. Friday.

If I’m not mistaken, the Chinese zodiac sign only comes about once every twelve years… since I’m about to turn 36, this would be only my third alignment with all the elements in place – Leo, Rat, and Aries, and I won’t experience it again until I’m turning 48.

I wonder if this has anything to do with my current “shift”, introspective tendencies, and sense of transformation.

Well, where was I twelve years ago? 1996. Interestingly enough, I got married that year (Year of the rat is supposed to be a good time for marriage, even though I was divorced by 2001).  I also discovered that year that I had cervical cancer and would engage in a two year battle for my life.  I had surgery every three months for the following two years, which ultimately led to a hysterectomy when I was 25 – April of 1998. It was a time of MAJOR transformation, soul searching, and trying to find and define the value of my own life and my purpose for living.  The daily threat of death has that effect. 

So if I’m right in thinking that this alignment has something to do with my current emotional/mental/spiritual state, then all I can do is hope that this time, the cycle takes it a bit easier on me!

Just a thought.

W

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