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Update and Farewell

Much has changed.  Florida was wonderful, a much needed respite from what I’d come to know as daily life.  In fact, the time away gave me exactly the time I needed to rest, recover, rejuvinate, and re-evaluate my life circumstance.  Came home and quit my job… traded it in for an office manager position so my body wouldn’t be so taxed.

As for the medical issues, I’ve gone through a wide array of tests and potential conditions, but when it was all said and done, it seems my issues are female issues – possible side-effects of the partial hysterectomy I’d had ten years ago, mis-firing ovaries, cysts, and a return of endometriosis (sp?).  There’s a possibility I’ll go in to complete the process and have both ovaries removed… but I’m not rushing into it, and there are other things that have priority.  Now that I’m not as stressed, not as physically exhausted, and have a job/schedule I’m much more pleased with, I’ve re-gained the lost weight, the headaches have ceased, and I seem to be doing much better.

The blog is going to be dormant.  I’ve lost much of my life’s work thanks to a computer crash and my own ignorance in not backing up my files.  I’m leaving this blog up for the time being — I’ll need to extract my work from it and save it in personal files; but I won’t be updating it from this point forward.  I’m going into solitary mode, a place where privacy offers comfort.

I’m grateful to all who have walked this journey with me, offering support, encouragement, and inspiring dialogue.  It’s been a wonderful experience and I’m honored to have crossed paths with truly compassionate souls.

All my best,

W

Gone to Florida

Had an unbelievably bad reaction to the dye I had to drink for the cat scan. Barely made it home that morning and was violently ill the whole day. Still waiting for results from the scan, which I should have by Monday afternoon. Friends and loved ones have been coming to the rescue and making sure we have what we need. My kids have been amazing.

I’ve been invited to a wedding in Florida and a week away to rest, relax, and de-stress. Initially, Id planned not to go, but since I’m temporarily out of work anyway and will be in good company, the kids and I discussed and they encouraged me to enjoy the opportunity and unwind.

The computer will be in the shop for two full weeks… I feel a little lost without it – and yet I understand the Universe wants me to have the down time.

Leaving tonight or tomorrow morning and not exactly sure when I’m coming back – Friday, Monday, or any day in between. Will post test results as soon as I get them.

Everything is changing – changing fast. Nonetheless, life is good.

W

tests

test for Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever came back negative. It’s 6:15 am and I’m on my way in to the hospital for MRI and cat scan. Haven’t taken the computer in to be fixed yet– have to locate the paperwork first. Will post test results and updates as I get them.

well hell

as if the universe is not toying with me enough, my only home computer crashed last night. Am posting now from the iPhone. Have cat scan and MRI thursday morning at 8:30. Out of work until then. T.V.s also on the fritz and iPhone connection is iffy. Thank heavens for good meds that keep me sleeping. Have no idea if, when, or how the laptopp will be fixed. My posts may be few and far between for a bit, but will post medical updates as they happen.

W

Monday Morning

Didn’t even make it through half a shift yesterday.  Fortunately, another server was trying to pick up a shift, so I let him have mine – and then I called my mom from the break room, crying.  She advised me to go ahead and get today’s shift covered – she had a feeling I’d drive all the way down there, have the same issues, and have to drive all the way home – a major waste of gas, plus an inconvenience to my managers if they’d have to cover my shift with no notice.  I took her advice and had them cover today, but that just leaves me sitting here feeling guilty for not providing for my family.  If stress has anything to do with my current health situation, then this is NOT helping my case in the least.

I’m supposed to get test results today – and I plan on calling them every hour on the hour beginning at 9 a.m., which is about 20 minutes from now.  If this is what I’m dealing with, the Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, I mean, then I want to grab the bull by the horns and begin treatment aggressively and immediately — and if that’s not what I’m dealing with, then I want to figure out what the F is going on in my system so I can get it fixed!

The meds they have me on help to a degree – it doesn’t remove the headache all together, it just numbs it up a bit – and the muscle relaxers knock me clean out (so I can’t take those at work) – but even sitting here in my desk chair I feel like there’s a water baloon stuffed under my rib cage – I can physically feel it.  I feel it when I lay down…. I just want to know what this is and be done with it so I can return to my life.

I hate writing the whining poor me posts, but it’s all I can do at the moment.  I don’t have the energy to get into a Daily Dose, or to work on research for articles – although it’d be wonderful if I could be productive in some way while I’m not working at the restaurant.  This would be the perfect time for me to get some of my website content ready… if I could focus on anything!

I am blessed in that I’m surrounded by people who care, who would go out of their way to make sure we have what we need or to offer a bit of comfort. 

The dogs can sense that something’s wrong, and all four of them have been clinging to me for the past three days, especially Sirius.  They had been trained to stay off of my bed, but Sirius now jumps up there any time he thinks I’m headed that way – and if I do lay down, he tucks himself in to my abdomen, while Bella-Beltane tucks herself against my back.  They sandwich me.  And if one of them moves to go get a drink or a snack, the other two dogs fill in, Odin taking the abdomen, Honey taking the back.  I appreciate their healing energy and the constant love they surround me with.

I hate feeling incapacitated!

 

Nonetheless, life is good.

W

Today’s Tao: Emptiness

The Gentlest thing in the world
will override the strongest.
Emptiness pervades everything
though it has no substance.
By this I understand the value of non-action.

To teach without words and
to be useful without action:
Few among us are capable of this.

All life is filled with the emptiness and the gentleness of Tao. With great care all things are sustained, nourished, and preserved, but Tao has no substance. It surges, it wells up, it pours through, it expresses itself in life, but it has no substance.

Allow yourself to be hollow and let Tao course through your veins. Let it burst in your heart. Let Tao overflow into every askpect of your being.

Allow Tao to flow. Cooperate with it. Enjoy it.

Tao is free. It moves at liberty through all. But we have learned to obstruct the flow of Tao. We think that whe know when we do not. We think we can control when we cannot. We get in the way of Tao.

Stand back. Let Tao move. Let Tao have a place in your heart. Let it move through your actions. Let Tao speak through your words.

To be empty is the gift of the few. To experience this emptiness is the benediction of being human. It is the greatest joy, the most fulfilled state. Move toward this emptiness by allowing small moments of it to sweep through you. Make as much space in your life as you can for the experience of Tao.

Source: The Tao Box, Adapted and Interpreted by Priya Hemenway

 

This card tells me I need to spend a bit more time in the wilderness – perhaps hug a few more trees, sing with the birds, and re-attune myself with Mother Earth and the natural elements.

Here’s what the book says:

Card Meaning: Spend time outdoors, among the flowers, plants, and trees. Nature has powerful gifts that she wants to share with you, including ideas, information, and healing energy.

Description: When you are disconnected from Mother Earth, you may feel depressed or lethargic without knowing why. Earth, too, feels distraught when you don’t connect with her on a regular basis. She needs you to be amidst her bbeauty so that she can telegraph information to you. In this way, you’ll know best how to care for your planet.

By drawing this card, you’re being urged to spend time daily (even as little as five minutes) outside in nature. Remove your shoes, socks, or nylons, and connect your bare feet with the soil, sod, or sand. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths as you’re surrounded by the magical energy of nature. Mentally ask the fairies to help you with any issues you may have. Then, open your eyes and look for their flitting light, which is the first sign that you’re seeing the fairies that surround you.

Affirmation: I love being outside in nature. I feel energized by the sunshine, fresh air, plants, and animals. I take excellent care of every living being, including myself.

Source: Healing with the Fairies Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue, PH. D.